Kilombero

A wandering grandmother, who writes, paints and generally agonises about the universe, how much sugar to put in my coffee and whether I ought to get out of bed in the mornings...

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Grammar Punctuation

Half Orphan

HI Arya - thanks for your story. A good read - with great bathos. From the get-go I wanted to know the end...how it resolved, whether Ash found her nirvana...
The only possible gripes I have are that the storyline jumped around a little with no clear indications of where it was leading - so I had to stop to regroup my reading to follow more easily - and I would have liked a little more punctuation, perhaps. Sorter sentences. Shorter sentences would have made the whole more "tense".
I would have liked more descriptive words in some instances - there were opportunities for you to have "painted a more colourful picture" for me - and I truly wanted that. I could see the mother - but I wanted to see her better, to fully grasp her pain and apprehensions, the lack of hope in her. The same with Ash - she is a strong character and a strong woman -caught in her culture and defined by things beyond her control. I would have liked some "meatier" sections describing her thoughts / reactions.
On the whole, though? A great story and I enjoyed it immensely.
Thank you

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Review of In the Distance, I exist

Hi there

Thanks for the opportunity to read your story - I admit it took an interesting turn when you noted that Ella "felt pain" - I went back and read again to see why that would be: I was intrigued.

In general, most enlightening and well worth the read. Being a bit of a grammar Nazi, I would like to point out a few places you could fix things up: - my general comment is that perhaps your sentences are too long which then results in sometimes incorrect punctuation. Perhaps try to shorten (and so tighten) your sentences - and check punctuation.

An example would be:
...not yet found, today though, there would was...

Perhaps you needed to have a full-stop after "found" and started a new sentence on "Today"?

In the paragraph containing the sentence "...another , room told to..." you need to check all the punctuation. I battled with the flow of your writing because of this and I really wanted to read more and not stay stuck trying to figure out what you were telling me......

The odd spelling error as well - Mother's face was TAUT not taught...

I do hope you don't mind my comments - use them, lose them *smile* - I enjoyed your writing but really needed to be able to flow with it a bit more.

Well done and keep it coming.
Many thanks
Kerry (Kilombero)

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