I really loved the intruduction . Writing in third person , just to switch to a first person in the next given oportunity. Details about a main girl protagonist are so welcoming, in this case served in smaller portion. Giving a little bit of info just to make a reader interested, but leaving the rest for latter. Onother thing you do so well, is discribing her physique. Readers like to know approximately how do characters look. Now to a part you need to change , which is not a major wory is punctuation and grammar. Well more punctuation than grammar. Like for instance you wrote "eye liner" instead of "eyeliner" . Then there is so many missing dots ,and commas when u have separate clausules after and,but, after , when, of, . Those are usually words that indicate separate lines. Like for instant:
Read the story now
Lizzy took her purse on the way out, but she forgot the wallet on a table.
Get it .
Its a part when you are transitioning to a diferent situation in sentence. Sorry if i explain it rugh , but English is not my first language.