Lio Voltage

A story that pulls you in!

MicMac: I am intrigued by the characters already! I love the names and the mannerisms they have. The way you describe the scenery is impressive, not overdoing it where it slows down the rest of the story, just enough for me to picture and fill the rest in with my imagination. Right off the bat, though, I notice some missing commas, ex: "...as if to engulf the scene before him[,] 'A vast and..." "...and his consort, the Duchess Clarvita[,] nodded..." "...favorite concubine[,] Astrada, her eyes cast..." "...only the individual[,] visual sharpness of the..." "In purgatory[,] two giant discs... the shadowed colors of flame[,] dominated the sky." How you write this really is beautiful so far, the way you begin with a pretty depiction of a ruler and his kingdom, then the otherworldly landscape of Purgatory, leading to a dark depiction of terrified, condemned souls.

A good, original start

First of all, I really appreciate the creativeness of the plot. However, the way you write as of now makes it a bit confusing and difficult to read. But that's okay! You can always get better at writing, you have the most important part down, which is your imagination- which honestly a lot of people are lacking these days. You might want to add to your summary, it is intriguing, but, I didn't understand how it applied by reading the first chapter. You should let readers know what to expect and provide some clarity. I have some recommendations when it comes to writing style and grammar: "...as the lights are piercing into his eyeballs, [inflicting] a burning sensation." "...throwing them in the air, showering himself with the [OMIT: grass'] fragrance." (since you already mentioned he likes the smell). "...a gust of strong wind blows [past his cheeks] and the [blades of grass that were once soft seem to become real knifes, grazing] his skin." "There had always been a breeze, or so he [thought]," (you can use past tense here because it pertains to a breeze that occurred at a previous time). I noticed words such as "abruptly," "expanse," and "huddle(d)" used multiple times in the same few paragraphs. What I like to do is note this and either google synonyms or think of a replacement, such as: "Annoyed, he turns over, away from the sound, and [curls up]." Also, author's notes distract from the story, I would implement them into the story itself, ex: "...I just mashed up [some Graya,] and asked the neighbors for... seasoning." Graya is a slightly salty, starchy vegetable that grows naturally in seawater." And it would be better not to mention what "kapa" means, and just imply it with the girl's body language and how the other character's react to it. I made a lot more notes, but I don't think I'll have room to put them here, lol. So, if you want more help I would be happy to chat through something like Discord. Other than that, good job! It gives me vibes of an anime movie called Patema Inverted, you should watch it if you haven't, I watched it on animedao.com which is free.

Intriguing!

I commend your use of vocabulary! I feel it's rare these days to find writers who use more diverse words. I assume you wrote the whole book and then submitted it all at once, so revising it might be a pain. I'll note some errors I noticed in the first chapter. I believe sentences after quotes should be capitalized, but I may be wrong, it might look better though! Ex: "[T]he man said as his gloved hand tightened around her throat." "...[C]alled Mr[.] Pudica, the town's butcher." Other edits I recommend: "As he neared her[,] Freesia lifted the poker..." "...she quickly dropped her eyes to the gore-[riden] cobbles at her feet," rather than "splattered." "Six paces to her left[,] her brother's body..." "Now, back [to] your son," He said." "I'll tell you nothing!" [S]he shouted[,] "Nothing!" Also, I was wondering if this was a fanfiction? Since I noticed the excerpt of something at the beginning. Anyways, I like it so far! It reminds me of a gory, more serious version of Willow, the movie my mom got my name from. You should watch if you haven't seen it before~ Could probably find it for free online.

What an interesting plot!

Roxas7500: In the first paragraph, I notice you use the work black repeatedly in each sentence. What I do is Google synonyms or think of variants for a word I catch myself using too much. You could say "charcoal," "opaque," "dark-as-night," "obsidian," etc. Also note that when you use more than one adjective, separate with commas if it's harder to imagine reading aloud. Ex: "A black[,] scaled hand..." I like the way you describe the mysterious young lady in the beginning. You could think of a more creative way to say simple things to keep it interesting, such as "The voice that rang/echoed prior made a snorting sound that soon dissipated in the void." Rather than "The first voice made a snorting sound." The concept of these entities having worlds of their own, with a mission that a habitant must accomplish so the entity can evolve, is really intriguing! Again, noticing the word "lady" used a lot, you could switch it up with "maiden," "damsel," or "goddess". Some other recommendations, ex: "...one black eye with a [slit] pupil glared at her from the right side of his [visage]." "'You think I'm way behind the others?' [the] voice growled, less [emotionless] than it had been..." "...she put a less-than-convincing[,] calm smile [across her lips]."

Good potential, cabin in the woods vibes

First, I wanna say I think the dialogue and the connections between your characters is very good. However, watch your grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I use google docs, which is free, to help identify my errors. I believe there is also a free version of Grammarly. Maybe use first person present tense, (am, is, are, etc.) to make readers feel more like they're inside the story, which is a nice touch for horror. I would also use a series of symbols to indicate long passages of time, otherwise it's confusing. When using adjectives, make sure it fits the noun, ex: "All I wanted to do was take a[n everlasting] nap." rather than "huge". Also, note when sentences should end and split apart with periods and semicolons, ex: "...My best friend asked me from across the table [insert period] We were in the cafeteria waiting for our next lecture... [insert comma] which wasn't for another 20 minutes." And try to imagine commas being placed where there are pauses as if you are reading it aloud. I know the technicalities are tedious but it makes a huge difference! It'll be much easier and more pleasant to read~