luminescent08

Ohio

Aerospace Engineer. Avid Reader. Writer. Painter.

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In Need of some Edits

This story was a bit hard for me to get through. It is a wonderful concept, but there was a lot of information and a lot of grammar errors that made me pause.

I understand the first few paragraphs were about a history lesson, but there was little detail. They were simple paragraphs such as, "the boy did this," then "this happened because the boy did that." I was reminded of "See Spot run. Spot ran fast." I was hoping there would be a little more detail perhaps? Such as where the boy touched the water orb, give a little more description between that moment and the moment the sharks froze.

When the boy fights Lord Ryoula, the fight was a little choppy. The sentences didn't blend easily to keep the flow of the lesson moving. Perhaps split that paragraph up into smaller ones? It was a little long.

Also, by the end of the first chapter there was quite a lot to comprehend. And when you were trying to explain each concept of the story, it almost felt rushed. There wasn't really a moment to actually process, understand, and move on.

When Rosetta was being taught about all of this, was it immediately after being saved from a volcano?? That struck me as a bit odd. Wouldn't she like to have some time to recover from her trauma?

I also suspect the writer to be of a young age with how the story was written. It felt as if the standard of writing were perhaps more of the high school level, if not a bit lower? Taking this into account, I feel the story is a good start to something that can be great in the future. With time and experience, I feel the writer himself will adapt his writing techniques to help mold the story into something amazing. I look forward to that day and hope to give this story another read.

In the mean time, please edit?? lol. Good start!

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A Delight

This story overall was a delight.

I enjoyed the character development of both Kael and Andra. They were well thought out and I felt were developed appropriately and logically based on their past and what obstacles they faced in their future.

There were a few parts where I grew a bit idle because there wasn't enough to keep me hooked to keep going, but I pressed through those moments. In the end, I was pleased I did because I'd find that the next paragraph or chapter held my attention.

I enjoyed the flow of conversations that happened between characters. They felt natural and real.

The plot was wonderful. I think the one criticism I'd have is, more battles please!!! I'd love to read more about the dragons in battle and read more how they work with their riders. Through most of the story you tell of how the riders are so wonderful, and they protect the land. I'd love to read a chapter or two more where you describe a situation the riders were needed. There were a few battles, but personally, I would've loved to read more of them with Andra involved. By the end of the story, her new self was a character to fall in love with.

Great job putting her in different situations of conflict and showing me how she resolved her own issues. Some of the conflict was unexpected, but reading the story I found myself thinking this is actually what probably would've happened. And I enjoyed those moments because they felt more real bringing the book to life.

Overall, I enjoyed it.

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Intriguing delight

Usually, this isn't the type of story I'd find myself reading, but a new thing I'm trying is to have an open mind to different genres.

This story did not disappoint.

Although the start is a bit slow, it picks up when the reader learns of the first case taken on by the wizard. Already, the mystery has been introduced and it keeps the reader searching for clues wanting to know more.

The imagery was well written. A few contradictions in the description of characters, but overall enjoyable. There were times I felt it was forced or perhaps too much, but other times it was spot on..

The relationship between Irulen and Max is interesting. One with an exotic name and the other with the name of a dog, but he's a raven. I like it. I like the overall relationship. Is it weird I thought of Maleficent and her raven when I read he was a wizard with a raven? lol. Kind of reminds me of that.

A huge thing I loved was the suspense in this story. The author did a great job keeping the reader on their toes.

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Unsure???

I am usually not one to read short stories which could explain why I was left with a feeling of 'what did I just read.'

First: I think the best character out of them all was Lyra. She was well developed, courageous, and unexpected for a princess. After I met her, I found myself looking forward to reading more about her throughout the rest of the story.

Second: I didn't really see a plot?? However, again, I am used to reading long stories where there is a beginning, middle, and end. Within this, all I found were a couple of battles used to pull two characters together, introduce others, but then randomly jump to something else. There never really seemed to be a moment for me to catch up to what was happening. It was a large flurry of activity that left my mind spinning.

Third: 'He used his great, big, diaphragm to sigh so joyfully, so loudly, that in fact John heard him over the clamor.' Would this type of description be considered over exaggeration?? Yes, we know his diaphragm is large, but it feels as if reiterating that fact does not help to convey the imagery. Instead, it feels unnecessary.

Fourth: The words spoken by the mage, when he calls everyone fools, gave me pause because I wondered, do mage's really say that? Do they fall into the cliche of saying fools? When I read the words, I imagined Bowser in the mage's place trying to conquer Mario. It felt childish, but this is a comedy and that could have been what you were going for?

Fifth: 'His victims eyes popped loose from the blow and rolled trails of blood along the granite floor.' Loved the imagery here.

Sixth: '"Good observation!" John screamed as he ran onward.' This part seemed rushed and by this point I viewed John as a childish hero. He doesn't strike me as someone to admire, but someone to chastise. Again, this could be something you were going for, but his personality was not one I fell in love with.

Seventh: When John sat in the chair, I almost expected an explanation as to why he was at the castle. A sort of, how I got here memoir, to help clarify what I was reading. Instead, the next sentence rushed into the introduction of the princess and I was like, 'oh okay, were moving on then.' lol. It was one of those moments where I felt rushed through the story and didn't have time to absorb and understand.

Eighth: The one bad thing I have to say of Lyra is how easily she was about to disrobe for the bad guy. Later on she talks of how he is gross and she's glad to be away, but then why, earlier on, was she about to be like, okay lets disrobe without any questions asked?? She didn't protest once to the suggestion and that striked me as odd.

Ninth: When the bad guy screamed he was accosted and needed help, I almost expected him to say "I've fallen and I can't get up!" Mixed emotions. I wanted to chuckle because of Lyra's words, but also I was like meh can't he say something less cheesy?

Tenth: The sleepy stuff. Chloroform. Wouldn't someone using the sleepy stuff know the name of it?? Or was this another moment for comedy?

Eleventh: 'hella pissed.' Did they say hella during this time period? Or another moment for comedy?

Twelth: The no. really. no. really. I couldn't imagine if John was just repeating the word really? Or if he was changing his tone to try and wheedle himself into her good graces. And then the no. ugh. fine. I felt Lyra gave up to easily there. I would've enjoyed it if it had just ended at no, a declaration of her stubbornness and character.

Thirteenth: The strawberry comment gave me pause. Was that meant to be dirty? Seems a bit out of place.

Fourteenth: When was it ever a good idea to drink when you realize the princess has been taken by goblins? I didn't find that humorous. I found it ridiculous actually. It didn't make sense! And it felt as if it were an attempt at something funny, as if the writer read through the story, then said I need something else. And without much thought made the hero drunk for funsies. It wasn't a part of the story I was partial towards. Maybe if they were in a bar and were drinking together, and she was taken from there? It might have flowed better, but the hero now drunk was an abrupt addition and it just didn't flow in my mind.

Fifteenth: If John is talking while drunk, and Minsor and Lyra are close by, how did none of them hear him before he charged into the clearing?? Another thing that didn't make sense to me.

Sixteenth: The last paragraph was a cute way to end.

Overall, it was a meh kind of short story for me. Usually when I read something, I expect it to make sense. If a character does something, there's a reason for it. When some of the characters did things that didn't make sense it was off putting and I found myself wondering, why instead of laughing.

There were some great parts. Great imagery. Lyra was a strong character, but not everything was all there for me.

Thanks.

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