Gina Bull

United Kingdom

Gina Bull | 19 | Writer | Artist | Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/incidus_writes/

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An enjoyable story, but admittedly leaves some to be desired.

The actual structure of the writing was really good; near perfect grammar and punctuation and I didn't notice any spelling mistakes, which is nice to see.

The story itself is actually fascinating. The idea of vampires having beloved's, and the interesting dynamic of a vampire's control being broken, for lack of a better term. It added some uniqueness to the story that I much enjoyed.

However, despite this being a romance, I don't think the actual romance was carried out that well. I didn't feel much for either character, as there was little to no development, and there was no excitement or a feeling that I should ship it, partly because of how they met and the fact that they just kind of jumped at each other lustfully instead of any kind of steady escalation and getting to know each other.

The hunter x vampire trope is actually quite fun, and I like that Romeo and Juliet style difficulty they have to overcome. I just wish it were more momentous. In the end, it didn't feel like a problem at all. I feel like there should have been more scenes relating to Kendra hunting, and like she should have had more of a reaction to Tobias admitting his accidental murder of a girl.

Kendra and Kimberly's mother was a very lacking antagonist. I don't mean to be harsh, but I felt like she had a lot of promise but her writing let it down. She came across more like a kid's cartoon villain, there was no sense of her actually being a danger... And the whole thing with Jude made no sense. (Also, as someone with sisters, I feel like "moron" is hardly the worst nickname two close sisters would have come up with). Even with their mother being a crazy lady, no mother would have no reaction to a guy sneaking into her daughter's bed, naked! I mean that's sexual harassment, trespassing and breaking and entering... So many kinda of messed up.

Their mother would have been a better antagonist had she had legitimate reason in her mind to push them together. Like "Jude is a hunter too, and he comes from a good family... He would keep you safe, and the marriage would raise our status in the hunter community" or something like that. And maybe her intense hate for vampires could come from something like "Kendra, listen to me! My sister was a vampire's beloved, and guess what happened!? It killed her!". She can be a villain, but give her legitimate reasons to be a villain. A good way to think about this is that villains are always heroes in their own story, and are always scarier when they have a genuine reason to believe what they are doing is right.

All in all, I did enjoy this, I mean I read to the end and I don't tend to finish books I really dislike. More so I think this story has a lot of potential and with some editing and subplots that would pull everything together, it would be a great story. Also, maybe mix in some bonding scenes between Tobias and Kendra as well as all the sex scenes. Just so we have a reason to care about them, yknow? Otherwise it ends up reading more like porn without plot, which is a shame considering I think the plot is the best part of this that shows the most potential. You really have done a good job, I just think this would benefit from a redraft :)

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Fantastic Fanfiction!

I seriously enjoyed reading this! The story was original, the writing phenomenal and the pacing perfect. Definitely one of the best fanfictions I have read, and I'm not usually a fan of Thor/OC ships. I definitely recommend this to any Marvel Thor and Loki fans, or simply fans of Norse Mythology.

[spoilers ahead]

It was genuinely really good. The only things I didn't like were:
There is a scene where Thor and Ingrid are fighting, and for lack of a better phrase, he starts grinding against her. She resists, really not wanting it, but eventually "gives in" because he "feels so amazing" the the whole electrical thing, and then they do the dirty. This was an extremely uncomfortable scene as it read more like coerced sex, ie rape, than make up sex. Which is especially uncomfortable considering the story frequently makes Ingrid nearly getting raped the worst thing to happen. So the similarity with a man who is meant to be her lover...not good. I think the scene needs some reworking; rewrite a few sentences, and it will read much more like how I think it was intended.

The other thing I didn't like, was that the blurb makes it sound as if Loki and Thor both love her equally and fight for her, but in the end Loki gets her to kiss him once and that's it. Thor never finds out she basically cheated on him, and she and Loki never speak of it, so it feels very unresolved. A second novella, perhaps?

Other than that, fantastic!

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Mediocre

It's a shame, really. Great grammar, great writing style, very skilled writing in fact, a promising plot....but it descends into the typical, smutty erotica porn, alpha male abuses his mate trope. It's sexist and demeaning and in no way romantic, and sadly entirely average as there are hundreds of stories that use the exact same trope. Please stop romantacising manipulative, abusive behaviour. Thank you.

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Overall Rating
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Average, but shows promise.

I'm going to be honest, even if it means being harsh.
The plot line is a cookie cutter story, that I've read before and has been done better. The typically flirtyassholebadboywithaheartofgold™ and the prissybitchygoodytwoshoesgirl™ hate each other but fall madly in love! It's been done before, it's boring, and it's not even realistic. There is nothing romantic about Drew's actions - he's constantly invading her personal space and basically sexually harassing and assaulting her because she isn't interested, yet somehow this is presented as an ideal, as attractive. Also, Megan is constantly called a bitch and a coward because she's sensible enough to not sleep around with the first hot guy she sees. This is a really annoying representation because it suggests that every and any girl with self worth who values herself and doesn't want to sleep around is somehow lesser. It's that really misogynistic "oh she's a prude" attitude and it's infuriating. Also, apparently Megan is the bitch character yet her sister and friends are constantly insensitive, pushy, cruel, gang up on others and don't give two shits about Megan's own wellbeing and feelings. I'd say they're the bitchy characters.

On the topic of the characters, they are also quite cookie cutter and plain. They feel flat, 2D, and so in line with the trope that I might as well be reading a "how to write a stereotypical romance, the example" book.
It's a shame, because your actual writing ability is really good. Your grammar and punctuation is near perfect and your style of switching perspectives, while it does have room for being refined, is very interesting and keeps the story flowing in a way you don't often see. Also, the first person has emotion in it which many authors fail to portray. You've done that really well and it could really shine, but an unoriginal story with an incredibly predictable plot line is sadly letting it down. At first glimpse, it seems like the story is there as an excuse to write lots of steamy moments. At second glance, it is clearly meant to be a story but it also becomes clearly generic. At third glance, we as readers are bored and looking for something new.

You show promise and I really think you could write something fantastic! But in order to do so I think you need to step away from the tropes and overdone storyline and create a genuinely unique, or mostly unique story that comes from your heart.

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Needs Work


Right... No offence intended, this is just constructive criticism from one author to another. I'll list the positives first. Your writing style is interesting, especially since you begin the story with second person "you see the girl". It surprised me and was the main reason I read further, because you don't see that style often. Your writing skill itself seems quite good, and the grammar is alright in most places! But... Sadly, here's the but. I think the first problem here is that your story is romantacising a relationship between a 17 year old and her teacher. From what I can tell, this story is set in America, meaning that the age of consent over there is usually about 18, making this pedophilia. Even if she is of the age of consent, romantacising a relationship between a teacher and student, or a man old enough to be a girl's father and the girl, is disturbing. There's nothing romantic about it, it's just creepy. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it is. Maybe lower the age of the men in her life to be much closer to her own age, or increase her age a lot. The second problem is more easily fixed, in that you don't seem to be proof reading. One of the characters' names keep changing, which is confusing, and there's a lot of spelling errors. The third problem is that I feel like there's a distinct lack of a story, or rather a reason for the main character to keep going. It feels like this story exists purely to create erotic moments, which in my opinion makes it not very appealing and kind of bland. Please don't be too upset, I'm not trying to be mean. It's just that, I think if you change these things, you stand a much better chance of getting published.

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