Magnus_K

Calgary, AB

21 y/o, Spotify: nocturnalic Follow4Follow. He/Him/His. R4R: interested in: YA, LGBT, Romance, musicals, self-discovery, mental health.

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Deviant

Blurb: 2/5
-Overuse of descriptive words possibly. I’m not sure it's concise, I don’t really have a good sense of the characters or what is happening in that particular scene.

Page 1: 12/15
I feel like I’m reading Shakespeare except I could understand Shakespeare more. I feel like the section before “Today, my sister died.” Is unnecessary and confusing.

Chapter 1/Prologue: 14/20
I feel like we are jumping around a lot. From present-day to six months ago to an hour ago. The word Gucci feels out of place with the old-timey vibes I’m getting from the story. I feel like we should at least know the main character’s name by the end of the blurb rather than the first chapter. Do Hysteria and her sister and parents not have a good relationship? It just feels like they’re not really grieving after her loss, also how did she die?

First 1/3 of book: 15/20
-Is the story supposed to be in first person or third person, I feel like we are switching back and forth between the two. I wasn’t expecting Maribelle to play into Xavier’s game but it’s interesting, and her comment about craving love, because she has none, is different. Switching perspectives at the end of Ch. 2 is interesting but I feel like it should be a separate chapter. I also find the fact about smiles interesting a unique, it makes you think about people’s facial expressions.
If you want to use a quote from the book as a blurb, I feel like this would be a better quote:
I follow him directly to the edge of the building enclosed by a concrete and metal railing. In stupefaction, I watch as he steps onto the rail, restricted no longer. Safe no longer, too.
“You’re insane, Xavier! What if you fall?”
Deliciously irresistible, the addictive signature smile of Xavier Blackthorne hits me full force as he purrs, “And you’re hysteric, Belle! What if you live?”
A smile of my own captures mem and I dare to live, I follow.
You learn the characters’ names and are pulled in to wonder what their relationship is and what is happening.
I understand you are trying to convey the letter with the change in font but I find it kind of hard to read and that pulls me out of the story. I find the characters unique and you can definitely tell the brothers’ personalities apart. I also like the way you describe loneliness in Ch.5. Why did someone attack Mirabelle? How did Mirabelle recover so quickly? Why didn’t Xavier tell her about his sister, and yet she knows about his brother? I’m not sure there is clear antagonist or conflict, I’m also not completely sure where the plot is going. I understand Colette was a cruel, manipulative person and I understand why Mirabelle is the way she is because of Colette’s treatment towards her when she was alive.
What is a black swan descendant?

Ending: 6/10
-Too fasted paced maybe? I feel like I am missing a significant amount of details that would make the story make more sense. Mirabelle goes from not knowing the Blackthorn brothers to liking one and then the other. Did Mirabelle accidentally kill Coco or intentionally? I feel like it’s obvious that she would cheat on the Blackthorne brothers now that I know about her love affair with Coco’s lover. I feel like a lot of background details are revealed in the later chapters that might have explained Mirabelle’s actions in earlier chapters but I’m not exactly sure the reveal helps in that context.

Overall Writing Style: 7/10

Editing/ Technical Style: 18/20

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Seven

Usually, having a dream sequence or waking up from a dream at the beginning of a novel is cliche but it definitely works and is interesting in your case. I find the main character Gaia and the fact that she has a mother with an apocalypse bunker interesting, but I feel like the mother if she truly knew something was wrong or even just felt something was wrong would try a little harder to convince her daughter to come home, and not just allow her to brush it off so easily. You have good descriptions of the world and a unique concept and interesting characters that all draw you into the story. I would suggest giving a more detailed synopsis to draw more readers in, tell us a little bit about the story and the characters, and I spotted a few misspellings in chapters two and three. Keep up the good writing.

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Discovered Undercover

It has an intriguing plotline, especially considering they're are sending one of the previous victims of the drug lord into the field to find out who he is, (I like that this is addressed). You should separate the dialogue from each character so we can keep track of who is speaking. Shorter paragraphs, being met with a wall of text can be both daunting and confusing. You should show more than tell, like when she's going from the car to get into the elevator, maybe she could a sinking feeling about getting on the elevator. Acronyms, (like FBI) need to be in all caps. I only noticed a few spelling errors, other than that, keep up the good writing.

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Choose Me: Reddie

You have a good descriptive summary that draws in people and fans alike. Good context, emotional portrayal, and descriptions of how they would all feel after Stan's and Eddie's deaths, and then him coming back to life. The song playlist sets the atmosphere of the chapters. Good pacing for a slow burn story. Good portrayals of Eddie's and Richie's personalities. I don't read a lot of fanfic but I enjoyed this one and will continue to read it. Some pointers, in the earlier chapters you might want to make some of your paragraphs shorter, some are quite long, other than that I only spotted some minor grammar errors. Keep up the good work.

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Ray of Sunshine

Issues: Spelling, grammar, spacing, punctuation, missing periods and question marks and commas, unnecessary spaces after quotation marks, past and future tenses: ex: make and made or will and would. Capitalization of names, i.e. Dark, Ray, and Janny. Making sure whether something should be singular or plural, i.e. cares or care, or inside or insides.
The spacing of paragraphs is also vital for readers to make sense of where one idea ends and the next begins, as well as where one line of dialogue ends and the next begins. More description of surroundings, also known as floating heads, when you know what a face looks like but not the body, clothes, or surrounding environment, maybe use more color, this is only an issue in the first couple of chapters.
I also feel like Dark wouldn’t have been charged with attempted murder because it was self-defense and he was a minor.
Isn’t what Dark is saying to her about hiding from the world contradictory? He hid in the woods and behind a mask from her in the beginning. Would it really be that easy for people who have been through traumatic experiences, to be honest with another person they barely know? Would they really trust someone to hold up the deals they are making with each other? I believe you meant to use scalding instead of scandaling in chapter 11, too.
If Ray has experienced trauma and has abandonment issues I feel like regardless of what Kevin told her, she would have some common sense and not let him into the house.
The plot is interesting, and so is the title and characters’ portrayal in the storyline. The symbolization of light and dark is also an interesting concept and gives you a starting idea of the characters and their personalities. Keep up the good work, all of us need improvement in the beginning.

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Sinister

The main character Levy seems interesting, but I spotted some inconsistencies in the story, the brothers' ages, some missing or wrong words, and spelling errors and feel Levy's body is overemphasized in the first chapter. Continue working on the story, I think you could use more description in both your settings and characters, too.

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The Sound Of Silence

An interesting and different concept. The story seems to go beyond telling a simple story from beginning to end and has a meaning or lesson that is taught throughout it. I did spot a few grammar errors and missing words but other than that it's quite driving and keeps the reader hooked.

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Reminiscent

The plot, characters and their development are all eye-catching. It is very realistic and relatable which drives a reader to connect parts of themselves with the characters. It reminds me of Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. The only thing I think you could improve upon is the longer paragraphs, it is easy to get lost in a long wall of text. If everything in the paragraph seems necessary you may want to split them up into smaller paragraphs. I look forward to the rest of the story.

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Just As You Are

Cover + Title: 3/5
Not the most unique, the title draws me a lot more than the cover, which considering the title is normally the first thing you see isn’t necessarily a bad thing but the cover could be more eye-catching. It is a picture of a teenage girl but considering it’s a romance/drama I feel like it could relate to the romance part more.

Blurb: 2/5
You are introduced to the characters but I’m not sure what the plot is and who’s interested in who and who has drama with who.

First Chapter: 7/10
I’m am drawn in by Lucifer and Zel’s chemistry as siblings and Zel’s fixation on Mika and belief that if she is in his life something bad will happen to her. I’m not sure the prologue is necessary or makes sense, you could just start with first chapter. Each character is distinct in their own way and description of Lucifer and Mika are unique and I can envision the scene and characters.

Midpoint: 12/15
It is clear who likes who and that the characters are growing and changing. Kiki is becoming more open and social. Zel and Mika have acknowledged their feelings for each other but not the reasons why each other might want or not want to be together. I don’t know where the psychic powers storyline is going but I feel it does add to the characters and story. I think it’s interesting that Zel sees himself how Ian thinks of him at the beginning, I feel like Mika does a complete 180 when she says Zel needs to love himself or get out of her life, I mean it’s a healthy boundary but it just seems really sudden and unrealistic in a teenage relationship. I’m not completely sure where either the romance or drama or psychic power storylines are going at this point but that might keep the story on its toes, although I’d still feel like there could be a little explanation on its origin or why it’s vital. I also feel like Ian needs to stand up for himself and tell Rachel he doesn’t like her or her advances are just going to continue, since she can’t take the subtle hints she might need a clearer one. Rachel is really scary, I’m surprised she didn’t hurt Kiki more physically with the knife considering the opportunity and emotions. She does feel like a realistic and good villain in this plot line along with Zel’s mother.

End: 12/15
I feel the main points of the story were wrapped up nicely, the characters’ past trauma, their growth to become better people and change. The only thing I’m left wondering about is the twins’ father. The mother was concerned about them meeting him and they nothing ever came of it after that conversation, why bring it up if nothing is going to become of it or the worry she had about them isn’t going to be mentioned again? I feel like we need more of an explanation of the psychic powers the twins have as well, does their father have a similar sense? Is that where it comes from?

Fundamentals: 17/20

Writing Style: 13/15

Plot: 14/20

Characters: 13/15
The characters are all distinct, one thing I have to mention though, why is Mika called both Mika and Lilliam? I know it’s her middle name but one or the other should be used, not both, I also understand only people close to her use it, like Zel, but in that case he should use it all the time not interchangeably. The scene from chapter 10 where Zel collapses in a bed of flowers and Mika tries to bring him back to reality reminds me of a panic attack or PTSD flash back. I think it helps us understands Zel’s trauma and why he fears harm will come to Mika. I feel like the way Ian also sees Zel, I can understand his fear, but most people who get hurt by someone normally don’t take it out on innocent people, I know we see mass shooters and serial killers on the news and we think of those people because normally those people were hurt by others but there is a higher statistic of people hurting themselves when they abused or just staying in that situation until the person that is abusing or hurting them ends them. Mentally, physically abused people or mentally ill people, (because Zel obviously has trauma) are not always dangerous, I am happy Kiki is attempting to make Ian understand this.

World Building: 11/15
I can imagine the physical people and buildings but a certain place isn’t mentioned. Descriptions about people and the school and the scenes are good and unique. I don’t mind that a specific location isn’t mention, I don’t always specify a city or town in my stories, as I feel more may able to relate in the sense that you don’t have to imagine living in that specific location or country or someplace similar. One issue I have is how are these students just able to run off, out of class without the teachers complaining or parents being called? I feel like the name of the school should be mentioned more, I still couldn’t fully remember the name by the end of the story.

Personal Enjoyment: 6/10

110/145

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Breathe

Title + Cover: 3/5
Interesting and unique, it kind of reminds me of the castle in the sky movie. Title and author are both clear and present. I’m not sure how the title relates to the story other than it being a nuclear war and the world would need to recover after it and being able to breathe/live where you once could and now can’t thanks to the nuclear exposure might have something to do with it?

Blurb: 4/5
I am drawn in, there is world building as well as character building, the characters are introduced and you can feel the pressing issue of choosing sides and fighting for what is right as well as the turmoil between the two main characters.

First Chapter: 7/10
Chapter 1 seems more out of place when you jump years back in the past in the following chapters. You can sense the conflict between the two main characters and the betrayal Mina feels by Caleb using her, yet she still seems to have hope for their feelings/relationship. I like how the characters are introduced but I believe more description could be useful to paint a fuller picture of the scene. I do find the scene an odd starting point, even though old friends or lovers commonly meet years later, I feel like providing an age context might help us envision the characters and the times the events they are describing could have happened.

Plot: 17/20
Description and world building are more apparent in Ch. 2. I feel more connected to the characters by this chapter and like it provides context. You can see the effects of the nuclear war on the world more via acid rain, protective coats and the sickness and having to take pills and the pills only being provided to those with a stable income. If you’re not contributing to society why would the government support you essentially is the motto, like with the homeless and drug-addicted in our world.

Characters: 12/15
Characters are distinct and each serve a purpose. I understand Mina wanting to support Caleb and being torn when she told by Susan that the people Caleb is associating with have hurt people and he could end up hurting people. You don’t want to believe the people you love could hurt others and that’s normally why parents and friends of criminals have a hard time believing they did it even when all the evidence points towards them and sometimes they will continue to defend them even when it makes them look bad.

World Building: 7/10
As I said with the acid rain and protective coats and pills, you can see the effect the war has had on the world and how much technology is valued when it is found via the computer. I understand Caleb’s interest in exploring ruins and discovering things from previous generations, the records and albums and band shirts. I also can see how the sickness has effected those who have unfortunate circumstances such as the girl with the sickness being told she can’t have pills. It’s not survival of the fitness, it’s survival of those who can afford it and are granted it thanks to their status that they are born with, just like people who are born with a higher status have more opportunities in our society.

Writing Style: 8/10

Fundamentals (Grammar/punctuation): 18/20

Person Enjoyment: 4/5

80/100

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True Colours

Title + Cover: 4/5
Cover is unique in color and perspective, both title and author are clear and present. While it is an interesting title, I’ve heard the saying before and seen it used before in songs and stories. Normally it is used in context to a person’s personality rather than love though.

Blurb: 3/5
I’m not sure I’m drawn in to the humour part of the story, it more seems that the main draw is the main character’s romance. I’m not sure we’re given a good sense of the characters and are made to connect with them.

First Chapter: 7/10
It’s interesting being from a cat’s perspective, it shows an animal’s emotional intelligence and that they like humans can understand grief and pain. I like the fact that despite the cat only seeing in black and white the descriptions are good and evident.

Plot: 16/20
I’m not sure there should be such a major time jump or if the first chapter is even necessary, maybe it could be relayed through the characters as we learn about them. I guess it could be used to provide context but it just feels like we’re being throw from one time to another.

Characters: 13/15
I like the characters both human and feline. They all seem to have unique personalities and temperaments. I find it interesting that Sasha gave up his dream after being in an accident, many people tend to wake up after their life is threatened and realize they could be wasting their lives and they should do what makes them happy. I can see the contrast between him and Hazel though, because she was sent off to pursue her dream. I like Tiffany’s personality and advice to Sasha and Sasha’s clumsiness when he throws the cake on Hazel to catch the cat.

World Building: 6/10
I like the introduction of the bakery and its significance and how it brings in more characters and ties the story together.

Writing Style: 8/10

Fundamentals (Grammar/punctuation): 18/20

Person Enjoyment: 4/5

Overall 79/100

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The Shadow Men

Cover: 4/5
Title and author are both present and clear. The cover does relate back to the title and genre as there is a man shrouded in shadow and it is a thriller/fantasy.

Title: 3/5
Not unique but not deterring. It does surround the main mystery/topic but since we don't know its literal by just looking at the cover we might not take it that way at first

Blurb 6/10
Possibly too short. We don’t learn much about the main character other than she’s had a hard life. The blurb is supposed to hook us in and get us reading, I don’t know if I would be hooked after a few sentences.

First Chapter: 12/15
In the first paragraph, I feel like we are being thrown into the middle of a scene without much explanation. I feel we need more context as to what is going on. As I continue to read I feel like I am getting a lot of information thrown at me and I don’t know the reason or why it is relevant. Starting with a dream is common place but I’m wondering if these dreams are dreams as they seem to have real effects on El, she wakes up in a weird place, injured. Chapter could be shorter for readability. Description is good, I feel connected to the character we are introduced to and they all seem to have unique voices and personalities.

Grammar/Punctuation 23/25

Writing Style: 17/20

Plot: 12/15
I like El and Dillion’s chemistry. Dillion seems like a really nice guy and like he might understand El in that sense that neither of their lives are perfect and neither are their parents. Money can’t buy you happiness is clear as despite having it his parents live separate lives. I feel like a lot of people with had lives strive for stability and to not have to worry about where their next paycheck is coming from or if they’ll be able to afford to eat, it makes El relatable, again. In the third chapter why did he call her Ruiz? Who exactly got murdered in the courtyard? I don’t think it was stated or explained and it’s confusing me because I feel like we are supposed to have more context.

Personal Opinion 4/5

Overall 81/100

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Soren

Cover 2/5
Kind of plain, well it does relate back to the secondary theme of romance by having a couple, I don’t know if the cover would draw me in and make me want to read at least the blurb, as normally covers/spines are the first thing a reader sees. Username is not present on the cover so if I happen to forget the title of the book and was looking for it, it may be difficult to locate through other means.

Title 3/5
I am assuming the love-interest’s name is Soren, well it is a unique name, it doesn’t draw me in as a more unique title might.

Blurb 7/10
Maybe too long. It does leave with questions that may make you want to read it though, like why wasn’t Luna allowed outside well her siblings were? Why is she an anomaly? Why did her family lie?

First Chapter 13/15
Interesting descriptions and characters. I have more context in knowing who Luna is, having read Spirit of Fire. But most people can probably guess she wasn’t born from two residents of the shadow realm as she looks different than her siblings and they called her “half-breed.” Their personalities are unique, characteristics are evident and the power the father has over the children is evident as all of them act scared when he enters the hall.

Grammar/Punctuation 24/25
Grammar and punctuation are good in general. Paragraph lengths are good, dialogue is separated and includes quotations. Dialogue tags are different when the situation/ people who are speaking change.

Writing Style 18/20
-Luna is unique and the descriptions of the manor and Shadow realm are unique and different, being the sun isn’t present or visible. The little things that Luna appreciates like the people’s laughter and the fact that she thinks one little look at the outside world won’t hurt her, plays into her naïve she is, which is understandable as she’s never left the manor.

Plot 12/15
The fact the she noticed the people’s differences and similarities right away shows how used she is to how the people around her look, it reminds me of a young child exploring for the first time. You can tell she has trauma from how cruel her family has been to her with the way she responses to Soren when she meets him. I am surprised by how easily she trusts him but that might just add to the nativity factor of her limited experiences with others. The juxtaposition between the manor and Soren’s village is evident and you can tell the effect Luna’s family’s treatment of her has had when she interacts with others. I understand Luna’s disconnection from her family, with them not accepting her or treating her like a person and showing her love and understanding and her wishing for something real like what Soren and his mother have.

Personal Opinion 4/5

83/100 Overall

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Spirit of Fire

Blurb: 3/5
Too short? Doesn’t offer a lot of specifics. Doesn’t specify conflict. Maybe tell us a little more about the world.

Page 1: 10/15
Dream sequence and waking up, maybe cliché. I understand the dream is supposed to be a warning to future events but it kind of disconnects me from the character and I don’t know if it adds much to the first chapter other than a sense of foreboding.

Chapter 1: 12/15
Good character and scene/environment descriptions, might be a little too detailed, though. Separate, defined personalities. Saffire is relatable, in the sense that she doesn’t think she is “leader-material” and that she doesn’t want to be responsible for leading people astray or failing them.

First 1/3 of book: 16/20
Chapters too long? Paragraphs could be shorter? I like the scene when Jaxson appears after the ceremony, it was both suspected and a surprise, like I expected he’d be mad that they picked her and not him but to show up directly after and inside the HQ was a surprise. I enjoy when people use multiple perspectives and when it doesn’t distract from the story. Seeing Coburn’s perspective is interesting and makes him more likeable, relatable and human. From Saffire perspective he seems so mysterious and quiet. Antagonist seems pretty clear, whatever killed Ryker (maybe Nox and Midnight?), (I just think it’s funny that one of my characters in one of my books is also named this) and is threatening their world and Jaxson intentions in the future. Seeing Ana from Coburn’s perspective makes her seem more personable too, you can see she cares for people like Ryker. You can definitely sense the love and trust that Coburn and Saffire had and continue to develop during the fifth chapter, after finding out about Coburn’s sexual assault I understand why he’s so distant from others, that trauma most likely hurt his trust with others and he mentioned made him feel weak, as a male who was sexually assaulted by a woman, which is a touchy subject in society. Going back and facing her time and time again probably isn’t helping either. It makes sense that Nox or Midnight would be able to possess or take over Jaxson, with his temper and the added anger from not being chosen as the Spirit of fire makes sense. Distinct and developed characters. Plot is starting to emerge. Plot is slowly being driven forward.

Ending: 7/10
The slow burn in terms of romance seems to pay off. I also like the combination of learning Ana and Ryker’s relationship as Saffire confesses her feelings for Coburn. The way Ana talks about Ryker also reminds me of my character by the same name. There is a small gap where Saffire and Coburn go from being in his bedroom to being in the main room but it isn’t told they moved locations or it isn’t made obvious. I happy to see Jaxson’s character development of apologizing for his emotions and actions even if he believes they weren’t totally his fault. Didn’t Katya already know about Coburn and Saffire before Ch.18? I think Saf went to talk to her about it. Saf only learned she could make fireworks in Ch.18, her mother didn’t teach her, that a small plot I noticed in Ch.19. The more I read the more real and relatable the characters feel. The time gaps bother me a little bit. I understand the chapters are long but it’s odd to just have week gaps, too. I have a slight issue with us jumping from Midnight and Nox can’t leave the shadow realm to they have left the Shadow Realm. I think the possession scene would be more interesting from Saf’s perspective, too. I do like the mystery of their father disappearing just after attacking Saf’s parents and becoming too weak to get back to the Shadow Realm and then the eclipse giving him his power back. One plot hole that might be glaringly obvious is how often eclipses happen. You are suggesting one hasn’t happened in thirteen years. But eclipses, at least a solar one can happen at least every six months, well full eclipses happen every eighteen months and lunar eclipses once every two and a half years. At least in relation to their father being able to travel back to the Shadow Realm, I understand the twins could have been waiting and training to possess people before traveling Earth.

Overall Writing Style: 7/10

Editing/Technical Skill: 17/20
Some missing words, punctuation, and reusing of shudders and shivers in the same sentence in Ch. 12 but other than that, it’s pretty clean of spelling mistakes and grammar errors. Consistent switching of POVs between Saf and Coburn.

Overall Score: 86/95

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The Willow Rise Six

Blurb: 2/5
Run on sentence, multiple capital As in the Summary alone, hard to get a grip on the concept from the summary. Only Bill Daniels is name dropped in the summary but then we are introduced to Waylan in the first Chapter. The summary feels kind of rushed, like a lot is trying to be told in a short period of time rather than trying to just grip the reader’s attention enough to get them to read the book.

Page 1 – 10/15 /Chapter 1 – 13/15:
-Good descriptions. Griping and emotional, the scene where Waylan attempted to let the young Indian girl go free but the Sergeant ended up shooting her sticks with you. The first chapter sets up a background while leaving you to wonder what was so important in Waylan’s belongings.

First 1/3 of book: 17/20
-Unique, defined characters.
-Lots of introduction to characters, slow burn? Might want to include that in the summary?
-Chapter 4 seems to be when we finally get a grip on the characters and setting being consistent.
-You can really tell Levi has a gambling problem. It feels like Levi’s second chapter is more focused on Daniels and the councilmen then Levi himself but I do like the premise that the money is driving him to do anything and considering his gambling addiction it makes sense.
-Sam seems like a good counterpart who’s caught up in the villain’s plan.
-Foreshadowing the priest in Levi’s chapter before introducing him in the next is interesting, especially considering how quickly Daniels instills fear in him after he tells him he knows his secret.
-The story is told from many points of view which I like but considering the focal point seems to Daniels and his involvement in all this why isn’t it just told from his?
As you continue to read you are left with enough suspense to keep reading.
Levi shows good character development by going from a confident, sure-footed ally of Mr. Daniels to developing the emotions of fear others normally felt around him.
-When we finally learn about what Peter did it’s like he snapped and was tired of not being able to feel happiness and pleasure normally but you can understand the loneliness and losing of faith he had before then.
In chapter 36, at the end, it is a little difficult to tell what Sam is remembering and what is happening in the current time line.

Ending: 7/10 (Chapter 40)
-It felt like all the characters that were telling the story were supposed to be a distraction so Mr. Daniels could get in and get the paper himself, if he wanted to he probably could have left them to die, and he willingly sacrificed Peter without a second thought, he had to know people were going to die and not just the people they were going to take the paper from but people he brought with him.

Overall writing style: 8 /10
-Foreshadowing, good descriptions, good sentence length, could maybe use more dialogue and exchanges verbally between the characters. Easy to read. Good ability to show and not tell. Just enough information is given to give the reader understanding but keep them wondering and reading. Overuse of redundant tags/actions/descriptions?

Editing/Technical Skill: 14/20
-Consistent perspective, no, but I like the many varied perspectives, it’s a thing I do commonly in my other novels. You get a better understanding of others motives and the story as a whole. Tense is consistent as far as I can tell. No repetitive spelling mistakes but I did pick up on some run-on sentences and grammar errors in sentences and some of your paragraphs could be broken up. Another glaring issue I noticed was the inconsistency of Sam’s age, at first, we are told he is sixteen, then Alice says he is fifteen and then we are told he is seventeen in the fifteenth chapter.

Over All Score: 71/95

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Relatable

As a trans person, I relate to this article on the level that society tells you you need to do these things because you were born a certain sex, and they say you need to wear dresses and have long hair, etc. People should do what they like and feel comfortable doing, not be forced based on roles in society. I do feel it was a bit rambly and that your paragraphs are a little long, though. There were a few sentences that were awkwardly worded too that could use fixing. Keep up the good writing.

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The Boy with the Black Hoodie

Firstly, your grammar needs work, there are missing commas, periods, spaces, and uncapitalized names. The plot is hard to judge since it's only one chapter so far, your descriptions are good and paint a solid picture of the characters but your environment could use more description. Keep up the good writing.

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Wolf Heart

You have good description and background detail about the world. You could shorten your paragraphs, most readers don't like being met with one giant wall of text and it's hard to tell where one idea begins and ends if they're all thrown into one paragraph. I've noticed quite a few run-on sentences, too. When introducing your character, they should be described in separate paragraphs and probably not all at once. The same should be said about world-building. Your dialogue should be separated from paragraphs unless the following line is a dialogue tag or describing what the character is doing while they are speaking. Keep up the good writing.

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High School Love Story

Very humorous and interesting and unique comebacks when the characters are interacting with each other. Considering this is a private school and they've had 5 fights in 2 weeks, why aren't they suspended? I feel like if they were mortal enemies they'd show less empathy for each other, too. Good description and grammar, I know the title is supposed to be a reference to the cliche but it's a bit long and redundant, though. Keep up the good writing otherwise.

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Secrete Colors

The plot itself is interesting, relatable, and current to what is going on in the world. The writing itself has many issues though. You need to break down your paragraphs, try to find the points where you switch topics or the focus from one thing or person to the next. For example: when you are describing each sibling, each of these could be a separate paragraph. Clear descriptions are important to paint a clear picture and set up a story and you have clearly done that but you shouldn't be telling us all this, you should show it at the relevant points rather than just dumping all of it on us in the first chapter. I would also refrain from using acronyms (BTW & IDGAF). You could use dialogue as a better way for us to learn things because things do come up in conversations. The last thing is point of view consistency. Stories are normally written in one point of view, first-person, third-person, etc. To make it easier to follow along and keep facts consistent it is important for this to be consistent. Keep up the good writing.

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Addicted to Velvette

You have very detailed descriptions that provide a clear picture of settings, characters, and props. I don't know if you intended to make it in the poetic formatting of separating every sentence but it does make it a little harder to read. When you are describing one object with many words you need to use commas, I noticed this in the first chapter. Good flow, pacing and length of chapters. The concept/plot is interesting. To make the dialogue more clear you may want to separate it from the other text and paragraphs. Are the italics in chapter 3 supposed to represent past tense or actual thoughts in his head? It's all in one perspective so I'm just a little confused by their use. Keep up the good writing.

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Gray's Story

I feel like you are relaying events as they happen with little physical detail or emotion, what do these people look like? Aside from the Pikachu shirt, clothing and physical appearance aren't really mentioned, I'm having trouble imagining what these people look like. How does the character feel about having all these sisters and that his only brother is leaving for college? You have good chapter, and paragraph length, grammar, spelling, and punctuation, and an interesting concept. Keep up the good writing.

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By Anyone

I liked the story the poetry is trying to tell, the meaning, the symbolism in the poetry, and the title. You could expand in the summary or make the dedication it's own chapter in the beginning, I know it explains why you wrote it and the concept but you could explain who the people in these poems are a bit, too. I would recommend editing the first chapter, too, it's the only chapter I saw with glaring grammar issues. Keep up the good writing.

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Regrets

It has an interesting concept/perspective but I feel like we are kind of being thrown into the deep end going from her being in a coma in the first chapter to her first job experience in the second and third. Maybe you're trying to backtrack and provide context, but you could in fact tell the story backward instead, you start with her in the coma and go back bit by bit from it so we understand how she got here, you may also be doing this, it's hard to judge with three chapters. Maybe you could physically describe the places and people more so we can get a sense of what these things look like, you say the uniform was short, I understand what you are going for, but what color? Does it have frills? How much skin does it show? This can show us it's short and that she's uncomfortable in it rather than you telling us that it's just short. I also find your chapters and paragraphs short. Keep up the good writing.

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Luna's Secret

A good description of the characters physically, you could elaborate on what they are feeling. Some of it seems rushed, maybe you should add more character development so we can connect to the characters. Work on grammar, especially when someone owns something, there is supposed to be an ('s) (ex: my mother's voice). The chapter length seems kind of short and you may want to shorten your paragraphs and separate your dialogue from them. This also makes it easier to read and keep up with who is speaking. Keep up the good writing

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Chased By Alphas

Good portrayal of how society treats women sometimes and the privilege men are given in positions of power. You may want to check grammar and punctuation, there are missing words, periods, and commas. You may want to form paragraphs with sentences that all follow along with the same topic rather than separating every sentence. I feel like this is a little fast-paced and if Wendy was her friend why'd she let them take her or not make sure she was okay after coming out of the office with the boss if she knows what he's like? Keep up the good writing.

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After Time

You have an interesting concept with potential, it's detailed and descriptive. You may want to fix some of the long paragraphs in chapters 2-4. Good portrayal, interesting past and present perspectives, but you might want to make the transition more clear, maybe use italics. I feel like the characters should have a more emotional reaction to impending doom, the trials, and creatures. You should use dialogue tags more so we can keep up with who is talking. I also feel like the story should be a little less relationship-focused if the apocalypse is coming. Keep up the good writing.

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This Book Is Not Just About Brains

Good, eye-catching summary. It reminds me of Warm Bodies, interesting and unique POV, good build-up, detail, and description of world and background of characters. Gives a new meaning to good and evil considering what the government did to their research because they thought they were against them instead of understanding the virus and that it takes time to affect a person. It feels very accurate to how the world would be if this truly did happen. Good chapter and paragraph length, no grammar errors I could spot either. Keep up the good work.

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Pride & Promise

You may want to consider shortening some of your paragraphs so your readers are not met with giant walls of text. Try limiting your paragraphs to eight to ten sentences at max. Lots of context and personality trait descriptions of characters but I don't really know what they look like physically. This can be important if you want your readers to have a clear picture of your character and what they look like. I only noticed minor spelling errors, other than that keep up the good writing.

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Annoying Love Lust

Firstly, I think you could provide a more detailed description of the story to draw people in and make them want to read your story, you may want to provide some simple details about your characters in it, (like their names, that they share a dance class and their relationship at the beginning of the story and maybe allude to why Jekual is different from the others). I spotted many grammatical errors, (missing punctuation, words, sentences that didn't make sense, lack of commas, use of the wrong their, there, or they're). I feel like the pacing could be slowed down, she goes from hating Jekaul to going to his party, to kissing him. Descriptions of the environment would give a clearer picture of your world and what the characters are experiencing. I feel like some of these characters' morals are contradictory to each other, they find the people who are bullying them attractive and she agreed to go to the party without much convincing. Also, why doesn't she trust her friends with what happened to her? All stories have potential, you just have to work out all the kinks, keep up the good writing.

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The Moon's Gift

I spotted many grammar errors in your story, (Missing words, commas, repeated words, use of both current or past tense when it should be reversed), you may want to go over your chapters more carefully. Your chapters could be a bit longer. I don't enjoy werewolf stories that much, but I feel like the unrequited love trope could be more unique to make it stand out from the many other werewolf stories I have seen and read. I also don't think it is necessary to separate every sentence when they follow the same idea. You may also want to check for run-on sentences, I spotted a few. I saw the name Tyler spelled Taylor a few times in the 5th chapter, too. Your descriptions are good, I can get a clear picture of your main characters, you have provided good context for the world they are living in, its rules and elements, and have it made it a little unique by having a tradition for the awakening of the Siren inside of them. Keep up the good writing.

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A Journey of Fajro

The descriptions and details of the world are very vivid and give a clear picture of the characters and settings/environments. I like your unique use of words for describing people, their tone, and the setting. I would suggest shortening your paragraphs and fixing the minor grammar errors I spotted, (capitalization after commas followed by dialogue, more use of commas, and some misspellings). Keep up the good writing.

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Black & White: Sword of Silver

The plot is interesting, considering there are multiple worlds and magic and that one world has forgotten about some of the aspects of the old world well the others have retained the memories and hate for each other. There were some grammar issues, I spotted, nothing that can't be fixed, mainly placements of commas and minor spelling errors. I would suggest making paragraphs longer that follow along the same idea or details and maybe try not to use so many ellipses (...). The first few chapters feel fast-paced and like we are learning a lot quite quickly, maybe spread it out throughout the story more or spend more time in the past and provide more context so we have more understanding, like the Aarohi's husband, they go from meeting, to getting married, to his death in a matter of a few chapters. I also believe dialogue tags would be useful to understand the tone of the characters and so we can keep up with who is speaking. Descriptions of the settings such as the library and their house would also provide a clearer picture of your world. Keep up the good writing.

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Dormant Love

An interesting plot concept considering one has forgotten who the other is and the other thinks they are dead. I spotted a few minor grammar errors, nothing too distracting. Good pacing in terms of progress and the romance aspect so far, too. It will be interesting to find out why they can't use Ander's real name in public and why they get headaches every time they think about each other, maybe it's because of repressed memories or the fact they can sense who the other is. Keep up the good work.

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Mesmerizing

It's interesting because it's set in the past rather than in the present. You have to deal with all the issues of homosexuality not being accepted in the late 1940s. I like the chemistry between William and Jack and the dynamic of having a child in the middle of all of it. It kind of reminded me of my novel, Poisoned Light. Some of the grammar could be worked on, I noticed a few missing words but other than that it's a well-rounded story with a simple ending.

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Interesting

I'm not really into erotica or heavy romance novels, but the​ plot seems interesting and well paced for a longer novel, the grammar in the early chapters could really use some work and setting description could improve as well.

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Emotional

This addresses what it's really like to feel depression, you become so hopeless at a point that you don't think it is worth living and so you decide to end it or attempt to. People usually do regret attempting on their own life. The song you mentioned, Cough Syrup, by Young the Giant, right? I can see the parallels and connections and the taking of one more pill as representation of the line, "One more spoon of cough syrup now," was beautiful, dark obviously, but a good physical representation nonetheless. I also like the subtle mention of the boy being gay, like he made such a big deal of it well he was alive but now that he's dying he wishes he was more true to himself and the person he wanted to be with. Normally, you see that with the homophobic parents after they have lost a child and realized their acceptance could have helped them rather than in the child, but I guess normally you wouldn't hear from the child because of what they decided to do. I did notice a few grammar and spelling errors but other than that it's great. Keep up the writing.

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