Marty Kate

Redmond, Washington

I am older than most of you, just another eccentric femal author with cats

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does nothing for me

This story is a mass of horrible ideas with good intentions. She joins a beauty pageant to get the boy she likes to notice her? How shallow can you be? Why not just get him to like her by being herself? I have no use for beauty pageants or the people who participate in them. And yet another story about an awkward girl with a mother deserted by a father. Too many clichés in this for me

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Needs work

This needs a lot of work--I'm going to be honest here. You need to clean up your grammar--bad grammar can be distracting, though I notice they're people who don't seem to care. Another technical problem I have with this this is your "POV" change method. You don't head a POV change like a chapter, you write it in a manner that makes it obvious that another person is speaking. There are some great writing books out there, some of whom focus strictly on POV--you should check one out.

For me, personally, You made the initial story about Emma too long in the story's beginning.. Try and find a way to shorten it and then get back to it. It made it rather confusing--is this Emma's story or Scarlett's story? I think the story belongs to Scarlett, so get her in there earlier.

There is so much going on here that it gets a little confusing at times. Like I said, I think you need a re-write, and from my personal point of view, I don't understand why you chose the ending that you did. To me, anyway, it didn't seem to make sense.

As I said a couple of times, this really needs a re-write. If it sounds harsh, just remember that I'm probably a lot more experienced than you, and that other people have been harsh and honest with me. It's the critics that make us a good writer because they challenge us to do better. My "Ghost Girls Chronicles" received a lot of criticism as well as praise when I first posted it on URBIS (which is defunct now) and I can honestly say they helped make me a better writer

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just wondering

when you chose the name "Kael" did you think about how close it was to Superman and "Ka-el"? That's the first thing I thought about when I saw your character's name. That kind of stood out for me.

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Need some writing classes

Never and I mean never do point of view switches by going Damien: Bella: I see so many people do this and it drives me crazy. If you're good enough writer to indicate this by your narrative, you should either, a' not write, or be, break it up into chapters and have the new character start telling their story. What would be even better would be to switch it to third person so you could make a smooth transition, which yours is not. Please think about this.

And why do so many people write fan fiction about "TWilight", it's one of the worst books ever written, but appeals to young teens allowing Stephenie Meyer to make a lot of money

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OCD?

Is this a story about someone who is OCD? Sorry, not that appealing,. Her obsession with her palace is just, well, tedious. I would have preferred a story about a dragon

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