martykate

No Sympathy

I don't have much sympathy for your main character. So she has no babies and no husband and she's 22? At least she went to college after that but then she gets pregnant anyway? And she pouts because her best friend got pregnant and she didn't? Carla sounds very self-centered and spoiled. I don't condemn her for getting involved with a friends's ex--I've done it. Also no problem with pre-marital sex but could she have at least used a condom? Don't know if I'll finish it, I don't find I have in the way of empathy for her and I don't think she's a very likable person

Irresponsible

Using teen pregnancy as a story device is NOT okay. Teen pregnancy is never okay. Teenage girls are notoriously irresponsible when it comes to contraception, if not totally ignorant. If you're not going to use contraception, don't have sex. That goes for adults too unless you're trying to plan a baby. You're entirely too glib about this--did you character even think this through? I doubt it. Moral of the story? Don't write stories about teen pregnancy. And BTW I am an adult

review

was a little too predictable. Conflict makes a story interesting, it was pretty obvious from the beginning what was going to happen. A few surprises would have been nice, the story cold have ended the same way

This story should never, and I mean never, have been written

You do not deserve recognition for this story, at all. A girl who is rightfully against beauty pageants and their stereo types is talked into joining a beauty pageant just to get a boy to notice her? Why not do something athletic? Why not enter a writing contest and win national recognition for her talent? Not only do you let a girl who is opposed to pageants and what they stand for enter and win? Pageants are about exploitation and appearance--period--and in the beginning your character knows this. How dare you have her betray herself. How dare you write this story in the first place? And even worse, people are so stupid that they really like it. Shame on you. This story made me really angry

Needs work

This needs a lot of work--I'm going to be honest here. You need to clean up your grammar--bad grammar can be distracting, though I notice they're people who don't seem to care. Another technical problem I have with this this is your "POV" change method. You don't head a POV change like a chapter, you write it in a manner that makes it obvious that another person is speaking. There are some great writing books out there, some of whom focus strictly on POV--you should check one out.

For me, personally, You made the initial story about Emma too long in the story's beginning.. Try and find a way to shorten it and then get back to it. It made it rather confusing--is this Emma's story or Scarlett's story? I think the story belongs to Scarlett, so get her in there earlier.

There is so much going on here that it gets a little confusing at times. Like I said, I think you need a re-write, and from my personal point of view, I don't understand why you chose the ending that you did. To me, anyway, it didn't seem to make sense.

As I said a couple of times, this really needs a re-write. If it sounds harsh, just remember that I'm probably a lot more experienced than you, and that other people have been harsh and honest with me. It's the critics that make us a good writer because they challenge us to do better. My "Ghost Girls Chronicles" received a lot of criticism as well as praise when I first posted it on URBIS (which is defunct now) and I can honestly say they helped make me a better writer

just wondering

when you chose the name "Kael" did you think about how close it was to Superman and "Ka-el"? That's the first thing I thought about when I saw your character's name. That kind of stood out for me.

Need some writing classes

Never and I mean never do point of view switches by going Damien: Bella: I see so many people do this and it drives me crazy. If you're good enough writer to indicate this by your narrative, you should either, a' not write, or be, break it up into chapters and have the new character start telling their story. What would be even better would be to switch it to third person so you could make a smooth transition, which yours is not. Please think about this.

And why do so many people write fan fiction about "TWilight", it's one of the worst books ever written, but appeals to young teens allowing Stephenie Meyer to make a lot of money

OCD?

Is this a story about someone who is OCD? Sorry, not that appealing,. Her obsession with her palace is just, well, tedious. I would have preferred a story about a dragon