A Review (written by a patronising dipshit)
This book was a strange one for me. I usually have a pretty clear idea of if I enjoyed a story or not by the end, but this, this has really stumped me. Whilst there are elements I enjoyed up to where I've read, there are also parts I'm not really a fan of. A chapter for me was a kind of roller coaster with many ups and downs. Some sections would intrigue me greatly and then others would leave me bored or confused.
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The world itself, for example, the Demon's Domain, is very unique and I like how much it differs from our own. It shows a lot of creativity to be sure, though how it's presented is less so. Rather than showing the world in an interesting way, like showing us its elements first hand. Damien will frequently halt the story in order to explain the world's mechanics to us. It's the classic issue of show and tell I see many writers fall into. And I believe you could grab the readers attention more by utilising the former.
Another issue I want to bring up is something that I haven't seen many others talk about, but I still felt I should bring it up regardless. Certain members of the world, more specifically lower class and elder demons. Have names that I believe could be changed. I just believe there must be better ways to refer to elders other than disabled. Or for the lower class to be called the ningers, which is way to close to a racial slur for my liking. Now, I don't think you've done this on purpose by any means. But I still think it might be an idea to look at these terms again and give them a little rethink.
Apart from that though, there are a few spelling errors and grammar mistakes in the chapters. Nothing too bad, but I did also notice that you misuse some words occasionally. That and there's a little bit of repetition on the side as well. "Anyway" is used to open many sentences, usually after an exposition dump for example.
Now, my next issue is based on something that occurred quite a lot whilst I was reading. But I've chosen to pick out a specific moment, as this review is already long enough as it is. The issue I'm talking about happens midway through the fifth chapter and involves Damien's cat/companion Yehain. Throughout this chapter, she begins to call out to him telepathically and when he eventually reaches her. And also after running around manically, which somehow doesn't grab anyone's attention. Which is an issue in of itself. He finds her and it's revealed her eyes have been "sewn". This caught me off guard and was genuinely shocking. But later she is said to open her eyes and I was left confused as to how that was possible. I even went back to check if I'd read it correctly and when I did so, it just left me feeling more confused than before.
So, from what you've read of this review. I imagine you'd think I hated this story and honestly, I didn't. But for me, whilst I find some concepts as well as some of the imagery you conjure up, to be very interesting. I can't look past the issues I've mentioned without feeling disingenuous. But I hope you do carry on writing this story. Writing is a harder task than most assume and I commend you for what you've created. And I hope that this review can potentially help you grow and improve your craft. I wish you luck and happy writing!