Great Idea-Continue Working on Structure
A very emotional story. There are parts of the text written with beautiful phrases and other parts of the text that need to be restructured. For the author being so young, this is a wonderful start and first draft. I think if she works on restructuring her sentences and making the story flow neatly together, this will come out lovely. (Trust me, my work needs so much editing and even when I'm done editing...I always find something later I want to change and tighten up!)
Read the story now
Things I would focus on in terms of cleaning up the script would be watching the use of repeated phrases or words in the same paragraph, cutting the over amount of detail and focusing on including what gives the main character a sense of value...looking at if the details being written down help move the story forward.
Again-very emotional, love the fact that the author is so young and writing! Keep going and working on your stories, you'll continue to grow and inspire.