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This is the beginning of an adventure story about an English schoolboy named Mike, who realizes that he has the ability to move through different dimensions of time.
The chapter has a good, very believable beginning, about Mike being bullied; which brought back some very uncomfortable memories of my own experiences in school.
The problem I see, is that the character Marty shows up and spends too much time giving too many details about the adventures which Mike will experience, along with why and how these things will be happening. It might be much more engaging, and suspenseful, if Mike didn't have a guide. Mike should discover what's going on, and how to deal with these things by himself. While he obviously would be in need of some guidance, Marty should only show up occasionally, when things are too much for Mike to handle on his own.
This writing is somewhat confusing in places. The narrative suddenly switches from one unidentified place to another, and one unidentified time to another, without any transitional phrasing.
It’s also hard to know who is saying what. The speaker is not identified before what he or she says is quoted, but at the end of the quotation.
This work was produced by someone who has very good potential as a writer, but is apparently not very knowledgeable about the basics of narrative writing. Anyone who might want some instruction when it comes to writing might find it helpful to check out:
Creative Writing Now http://www.creative-writing-now.com
CWN Writer's Shop
"The Pub Crawl"
A very entertaining and disturbing tale, about the beginning of an unexpected crime spree. Four women are barred from entry into a trendy nightclub by the bouncer. They decide to take vengeance on him. Things get out of hand. If this is only the first chapter to a longer story, I would truly look forward to reading more. It’s something I’d be reluctant to put downRead the story now
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