Nobuyuki

Hurting Game

What I love the most is how these movements and the scenes were described, I have to say it's one of the story's strongest point. It's one of the things that got me hooked, it plays out like a movie in my head and I realize it's really something that takes skill to do especially with so many action scenes, it was well written.
I love the characters the way they turned out, They were in the darkest moments in their lives due to the circumstances they were in, but things fell into place only when they decided to trust each other. The consistent theme throughout makes the story endearing. The pacing was good and it wasn't forced.
I'm not going to touch about grammar or any technicality though, cause you know how much I fail at it. xD My not-so-keen eyes couldn't detect any of it.
Overall great job!

Needs work

All I can say is the writing needs a lot of work, don't stop, just keep writing. Like everything else writing is a skill and as long as you are willing to practice I'm sure it will improve, immensely. And this chapter now needs a lot of improvement. And don't be lazy with the "I"s :) With the plot though, it's hard to say, nothing is happening yet. I hope there will be. Grammar needs work (I get that all the time) And rather than using adverb to describe emotion/events (eg: sarcastically, angrily), show the emotion, (eg: gritted teeth, wide eyed, deep frown) I hope that helps. Good luck :)