"At the End of the Caffeine Rainbow" Review
This story is coming along very well so far. It is well-written, and the ideas presented within are a fresh take on the "girl falls in love with her best friend" trope-- excellent work avoiding cliches! Your characters are quite charming, and their friendship dynamic is both sweet and humorous. Overall, I am enjoying this story so far.
I have some of corrections I'd advise you to make (though most are stylistic suggestions and could be disregarded if you so choose).
The first couple corrections deal with your comma use:
In Chapter 2 Paragraph 8:
"Domesticity was simple, we’d spent the last two weeks bonding over nonsense and badly cooked meals."
This is a comma splice. It can be corrected simply by substituting a semicolon for the comma, as so:
"Domesticity was simple; we’d spent the last two weeks bonding over nonsense and badly cooked meals."
In Chapter 2 Paragraph 15:
"My parents loved Drew. Maybe it was it accent, or his innocence, or his charm, they always looked forward to seeing him and constantly asked about him."
Again, there is a comma splice between "charm" and "they". There are two ways I would recommend fixing this:
"My parents loved Drew—maybe it was it accent, or his innocence, or his charm. They always looked forward to seeing him and constantly asked about him."
"My parents loved Drew. Maybe it was it accent, or his innocence, or his charm, but they always looked forward to seeing him, and constantly asked about him."
In Chapter 2 Paragraph 16:
"He had told me that his father would be happy to let me look through his literature collection which included first edition Robert Burns."
You should use a comma between "collection" and "which", allowing the reader a quick rest during this sentence.
"He had told me that his father would be happy to let me look through his literature collection, which included first edition Robert Burns."
This next correction is purely stylistic. In Chapter 2 Paragraph 1:
"My parents had left, tearfully, and I was alone."
I would recommend rewording it, placing your adverb before your first subject.This allows the reader to clearly see which word is being modified by your adverb.
"Tearfully, my parents had left, and I was alone."
Writing it this way suggests that the parents are teary-eyed, not the way they are leaving (though honestly, either way works. This is merely my opinion).
These next corrections deal with the use of dashes. Again, this is purely stylistic. I love using dashes in my writing as they add a little more drama.
In Chapter 1 Paragraph 4:
"My heart plummeted as I realised what he was trying to show me, not that I could make anything out on the blur that was his phone."
Try it like this:
"My heart plummeted as I realised what he was trying to show me—not that I could make anything out on the blur that was his phone."
In Chapter 1 Paragraph 6:
"He’d made his introductions, Andrew MacAllister, Journalism student, and had demanded that I back him up when he argued that coffee was the drink of the Gods."
Being a dash lover, I'd substitute those commas for dashes.
"He’d made his introductions—Andrew MacAllister, Journalism student—and had demanded that I back him up when he argued that coffee was the drink of the Gods."
In Chapter 1 Paragraph 8:
“You’d love her, Em- she’s so you, you know?”
Here, you tried implementing the dash but didn't make it long enough, thus creating a hyphen instead. Try combining two hyphens to make a dash.
“You’d love her, Em—she’s so you, you know?”
In Chapter 2 Paragraph 15:
"I laughed and sent them a photo of the Scottish flag he kept above his bed- you can never convert a highlander to an English supporter."
Again, you used a hyphen instead of a dash. Fix as stated above.
"I laughed and sent them a photo of the Scottish flag he kept above his bed—you can never convert a highlander to an English supporter."
You are doing extremely well on your story so far! I hope my suggestions help you. Happy writing!
(I tried submitting a review for this story earlier but it didn't go through, so hopefully it works this time!)
I really enjoyed reading your story. It was fast-paced, thrilling, intense, and even heartbreaking at times. Your fight scenes were well written and kept me on the edge of my seat. I’d call this story a real page-turner, had I actually been able to turn the pages. Your characters seemed quite well thought out, and the development your Main Character underwent was both interesting and refreshing. In your story, you presented two opposing societies—the Novans and the ELA—but did not allow them to fall into either category of “Good” or “Bad”. You showed the pros and cons of both societies, but never claimed that either was better than the other. This reflects the reality that there isn’t always a decisive division between the “good guys” and the “bad guys”. Furthermore, by presenting your societies in such a way, you forced your protagonist to rebel against his place in society, not against society as a whole (as is often done). The protagonist doesn’t reject one society in favour of the other, nor does he choose to destroy either society. Instead, he chooses to take no part in any of it.
About midway through your Prologue, I noticed you made minor slip up in which you refer to the Archangel as Gabriel. This creates confusion in the context of the Prologue, as the character of Gabriel hasn’t been properly introduced. Furthermore, this mistake eliminates the surprise of the later reveal of Gabriel as the Archangel.
You also had many spelling and grammar errors littered throughout the story—to the point where they detract from the story’s overall enjoyableness. I’d recommend going through the chapters again and correcting these errors, or enlisting the help of a friend to help you with your editing.
Overall, this story has great potential. With a bit of work, I believe that this story can reach that potential. Keep improving your writing! You’re doing great!
I enjoyed reading this story. It was fast-paced, had many great fight scenes, and had an overall plot that thrilling, intense, and even heartbreaking at times. Your characters seemed very well thought-out, and the Main Character was developed in an interesting and refreshing way as not many authors that I know of have done the same. In your story you introduce two different societies--the Novans and the ELA-- but do not fit them into either category of "Good" or "Evil". Both societies are shown to have both pros and cons, showing that there isn't a clear division between the "good guys" and "bad guys". By doing this, you force your character to rebel not against society as a whole, but instead against his place in society. He doesn't reject one society in favour of another, nor does he try to destroy either society. Instead, he simply chooses not to be a part of any of it.
About midway through your prologue, I noticed that you had a minor slip-up in which you referred to the Archangel as Gabriel. This is confusing in the context of the prologue as the character of Gabriel has yet to be introduced. Furthermore, it eliminates the surprise at the later reveal of Gabriel being the Archangel.
Your story also needs a lot of work when it comes to spelling and grammar. There are numerous errors littered throughout your story to the point where they begin to detract from the story's enjoyableness. I'd seriously recommend either correcting those errors yourself, or enlisting the help of a proofreader to catch the errors you may have missed.
Overall, this story was a good read and has great potential. With a bit of work, I believe that this story can reach that potential. Keep improving your writing! You're doing great!
"The Caretaker" Review
This was quite the interesting story. I loved the irony presented in both the summary and opening paragraph. It made me laugh!
I've a few revisions for you to consider, though I believe that they are mostly stylistic suggestions and could be disregarded.
In Paragraph 2, you wrote:
“And then yesterday she showed up – erupting out of the bloodstained body…”
Now, I've seen you properly use dashes at other points in the story, so I believe this was just a minor mistake. In this instance, you used a hyphen instead of a dash. It's an easy fix-- just swap the hyphen for a proper dash, as so:
“And then yesterday, she showed up—erupting out of the bloodstained body…”
Later on in Paragraph 2, you also said that:
“I could actually feel the force of her anger and it startled me. The first time I’d experienced a physical impact in 172 years.”
My Word Processor doesn't think that the second sentence is a fragment, but I can't help but believe that it is one. Again, this may just be a reflection of our different writing styles, but having this sentence structured like this makes it sound awkward to me. Here are a couple suggestions for remedying this:
“I could actually feel the force of her anger, and it startled me—the first time I’d experienced a physical impact in 172 years!”
“I could actually feel the force of her anger, and it startled me. It was the first time I’d experienced a physical impact in 172 years!”
These next two errors are the same, they just happen in different paragraphs.
In Paragraph 2, you wrote:
“Uh, oh, I thought.”
And in Paragraph 9, you wrote:
“Double uh, oh!”
In my experience, you don't need to put a comma in between the "uh" and "oh", you can simply write it as "uh oh".
Overall, I enjoyed your story. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors!
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