I'm just numb thinking about something like this happening because in a sense it has happened to me since I was a kid. But the singing, the changing in appearance and tone, yikes. Very good story. I was enthralled from beginning to end.
If I can share a tale of mine with you, it'd be that a ghost has been stalking me since I saw it in my grandparent's basement. Tall black man, afro, glowing yellow eyes. He followed me from house to house scaring the life out of me and bringing more ghost along with him. You never wanna move into a home, put boxes into a room then go to throw a bag that's about to hit someone and you say "excuse me" to someone who was there one second and gone the next. It's traumatizing. I'm watched while I sleep. Ghost are a nightmare but being scared is fun sometimes, like this story it's fun.
A good plot
I adore this plot, t's very familiar to me in a sense that I've kinda sat in the theater thinking about things like that when I was a teen. So, I give a clap for the good idea.
However, the story was greatly rushed, and where it started out good, it just tumbled into a watered-down version of a great vision. I'd like this if it were revised and made a bit longer. The pov was a good idea, it allows you to understand the killer without having to explain their whole history. But at the same time I would have liked to see something like that. How'd he/she get started? Why? Little things, ya know?
I think that punctuation, grammar, and sentencing should be better looked at a second time. But I encourage this story, because it's a good plot.
I like this, it's like a prequel of that Japanese movie based on the same thing. I've always wanted to do a story like it myself, but could never come up with characters or anything. So it's work in progress. But this was short and cute, and I'd like to see more of it.
You gave very much and somehow very little about the characters that makes you want to see how the game would turn out for each of them and even Yukina. I'd like to read more of these in the future.
It was lke a roller coaster, and looking back I feel bad for thinking about a lot of boys in my class the way he thought the girls had thought about him. The weirdo who'd kill you in your sleep. It was nostalgic and sweet, and just sad. I can't say anymore on how well you write and how entertained I was. It's always ends up like that, not often as tragic as death but the person could move away and that would be that.
My only critique is that the sentences are big, this place does that to things that are usually normally looking paragraphs. But it's fine. Thanks for a wonderful read.
I don't get it
I think you had a good idea but dropped the ball somewhere. It's not very descriptive, and it came off as more of an observation of something you wanted to say instead of a story being told. I also think it would have been more practical if the characters had a bit more interaction before, during, and after the main event. I'm not entirely sure what went on, it was there and over before I could get it. Sorry, I hope this helped.Read the story now
I like this very much, it's lie waiting for cocoa but you're boiling the milk on low. It's got an uneasy feel to it, and it's clean and easy to read. I think you're missing some punctuations but I'm not one to criticize since I miss a few myself. And the chapter lengths are a joy, I've just come to notice a little goes a long way here because mine are super long and that can be off-putting to readers, bummer for me, but you've got the right formula.
I think one part was a bit unclear, when you mentioned it was like silent hill it seemed more like the author talking to the readers than the Laura thinking it. You should have explained it for a moment, because I'm a huge silent hill fan, and an easy way to explain the fog is that it's thick and almost a hallucinant when your mind is already rattled. I'm gonna keep an eye on this, good job.
My God that's good reading
It was like reading about myself every other night, down to the fan being on- even in winter- to keep me company. I felt the growing fear over not being able to understand that something horrible was coming, but the nervousness of not being sure you'd seen or heard anything at all.
The writing style was clean and descriptive. I could read it like I was watching it on TV rather than reading a computer screen. And your metaphors were fun and understandable. Also, you didn't use big words like you only looked 'em up and slipped them in there.
The character was likable, he made you feel for him, while you have a wonder if he might be slightly schizophrenic and paranoid to be alone, because thought most people are scared at night, not a lot of them have knives between the mattress and boxspring. It takes the old school 'It was a dark and stormy night' plot and turns it into 'It was a dark and lonely night'.
This something to keep an eye on. I enjoyed it very much.
I've been in love that strongly, that I could see myself in the same situation as Surgio. The slow crawl of desperation was well depicted, I could feel myself leaning close to the screen, like he and I were conspiring together on how to construct this Frankenstein of Adela. And that's written through his eyes, so we know that he sees he's done wrong but couldn't help it that his thoughts took flight is brilliant.
I do think the layout was clunky. Surgio should have spoke then his thoughts should have been spaced from it. It made it a little off-putting on the eyes.
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