Robert_Downing

Elfen Lied: The Half-Diclonius

Nice job with Brandon and Dark Sider. You managed to capture the confusion and madness of the diclonius with them. I particularly liked how Brandon could make copies of himself. Reminded me of Multiple Man off of Marvel. Nice touch. Some people would not look kindly to things like that, but not me. It's your story and you can do what you like with it, despite what anyone says. You have the right to do it any way you like, even with the lemons if you so choose.

The only thing I had trouble with is at times I lost track of who was speaking. It's an easy thing to do when you're writing. Try adding a few more 'he said' or 'she said' tags in your dialog so everyone knows exactly who is talking. Other than that and a few spelling errors that I'm not going to fuss about, you've gotten off to a nice start for this story. So keep at it, my friend. I'll keep check on it for new chapters since its a story-in-progress. I look forward to the next chapters.

Robert Downing