Great, has potential!
So, I love the idea, I love the concept but;
Read the story now
When you start a new person speaking, it’s anew paragraph every time. If you have any books at home, look at the way they write their dialogues and stuff. Also, since this is a fantasy book, it needs more description; description of people, setting, etc. your story is really good, but for me, it just doesn’t flow naturally. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ll try; when Drake gets up, you’d think he’d take in his surrounding. Describe the place when he wakes up, his feelings. Then, he notices the little girl. Don’t be offended my this review please, I’m only trying to help you❤️the best way to get better at writing in my opinion is the next time you read a book, not on Inkitt like a real world book, take note of the way the author writes as you enjoy the story. What part of their writing leaves you hooked? How do they sneak in description? How do they show the character and develop it? Don’t be discouraged by this review, your story is a good story, it just needs a bit fine tuning😊