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The pluses first: the first draft quality's actually an asset. It contributes to the headlong pace, reminds me in fact of some of Robert E. Howard's early work minus Howard's flair for poesy in prose and although too much happens in each paragraph to please most creative writing professors I may have had the displeasure of knowing, I don't mind that either, a story's got to go places to be a story.
The minuses are mostly technical and speak mostly to what appears to be a comparative lack of writing experience. Breaking up the paragraphs into shorter punchier chunks might be a good idea and it might also pay the author to shift points of view back and forth between the characters but I understand why the author didn't do that here, he just wanted to tell his story and I hope any technical gloss he may later acquire won't get in the way of what seems to be a natural gift for just sitting down and telling someone a story because that's what someone said about Robert E. Howard: "Above all, Howard was a storyteller."
Understand please that I've kept my comments stream-of-consciousness because that was the approach I gleaned from the writer. Analyzing this piece using the standard tropes of literary criticism might be a waste of time since I don't believe it was intended to be immortal prose, it's a pulp fiction story.
My bottom line is, I'd read more by this author and probably will.
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