Okay. I'm the first reviewer. Well, I'll try and be specific as possible, and honest. This was a long first chapter, don't know the exact word count but I can tell its long. I can say this at least, it leaves a lot to be desired. But I hope to help you improve in time. Reading it the first time, I definitely feel clouded, and have trouble understanding it at times. I can only hope this will improve if I come back later. I just got up at 4:30 am since I couldn't get back to sleep so that might have an effect as well on my ability to think. Anyway, things I noticed.
Read the story now
Spelling and other mistakes that I spotted.
1. that life would be snatched form him. Replace form with from
2. Older now, ten now. Repetitive.
3. He had continued to brush of the top of his drawers. Off not of.
Robert surrendered to his urge, no longer fighting it. Take out as he
5. Prayed not preyed (at the end )
Story: I like the precipice, two brothers, one healthy, one sick, live with a woman who seems to favor the sick one and abuses the healthy one. Though the paragraph structure is somewhat... what's a good word? Eh I'll just say random. Some paragraphs seem to be excessively large, and should be split up into multiple smaller paragraphs, it also feels like this one big chapter could be split up into two or even three or four smaller chapters. I'm also not sure about the numbers that appear every so often. What are they? Chapters? Yet this is listed as the first chapter.
Characters: Thomas, Mrs. Allaband and Robert. Based on what I've seen so far from the characters thoughts and actions, Thomas is the sick one who is ten years old, yet he does at one point use the word fuck. He lives in a hard life thanks to a condition of some sort. His mother Mrs. Allaband (unless I'm confused on the identity) seems to dote on him but also abuses his brother Robert. Robert meanwhile is shown to hate himself and view himself as the cause of Thomas's problems thanks to the abuse. And then there is the malevolent entity that appears near the end which I don't know much about yet.
Well, this is only my first time reading the chapter or chapters here. I like the general idea but feel as though there is a fog over things, making it obscure. For the characters I'll offer you a tip I got from an editor a few months ago. Work with them in three dimensions, who they are on the surface, their backstory, and choices.
Example: For Thomas, on the surface we have a sick boy who wishes for death, he's sick with some disease that is making life hard for him under a mother that dotes on him but abuses his brother. He remarks in his thoughts to hate his brother though it is hidden, and he even hugs or kisses his brother.
So, there is much room for improvement, and I hope I give you some things to think about with this review. Overall like the idea, the characters aren't bad but could be expanded on or made clearer. But the paragraph structure is rather terrible and needs to be more split up, I think. Just a few grammar errors that I saw. Not terrible overall but definitely room for improvement.