Shannylee24

Great Read

First off, I wanted to say the plot was intense. I haven’t finished reading yet, but I did want to give this story the review it deserved. The plot follows the young Onyx and his journey, which is full of a lot of surprises. I liked how realistic and authentic the personalities were with him and his group. The names you came up with were very unique and the place’s political standings with the different factions were very well thought out.

There were two main points I think you can work on to improve the flow of the story, however, including some of the grammar and POVs. Spelling wise, I haven’t seen anything so far. The long paragraphs could be broken up a bit better and the uses of commas I think is a bit of a need. The other thing is the POV for all the characters.

When doing multiple POVs, maybe use a “.....” to separate who the narrating is following or even use different chapters to differentiate it. There were a few instances I had to go back a paragraph or two to realize that new characters were either being narrated or it switched from Onyx to Tykal as an example. I understand the want to show everyone’s thoughts and views when they’re taking the lead of the scene, but making it a little more separated might help it flow a tad better.

Overall, I really enjoy this story. I am getting closer to catching up to the latest chapter and will continue to read it in between work and school! I recommend this to anyone looking for a dark adventure who isn’t afraid of blood or gore. It is a great read!

Different Read

This is a different read than the normal type of genre I like to read. Needless to say, however, it is well done. The story follows the main character, Ana, and her mother through a bunch of twisted scenarios. Toward chapter 10, where this story is currently at, you finally get some answers!

The story itself reminds me of many dysfunctional families and the ways of family banter. This story takes it to the next level with the murderous tendencies of the characters. It has such a creepy feel to it, but it beckons you to keep reading. The chapters are at a great length and the author has taken advice from the readers on the "Russian way of things" which I really like.

There were a bit of some grammar mistakes, such as some dialogue not being capitalized or, since the dialogue is italicized, a couple paragraphs were not and so on. The use of commas and periods were mixed a bit and you put commas that were unnecessary. It made some of the writing a little choppy but still understandable. My advice is to just go back and correct some of your errors and your story should be good to go!

Overall, I enjoyed the plot as it was dark and interesting. Despite the main character being a bit of a psychopath, she still acts like a child to some degree and the mother Nadia has a great personality for the issues and such she carries. Keep it up!

Love it!

I just want to say, I love this story! Your work, only being 16 chapters so far, has shown your incredible talent! You describe things so serene-like that I can literally feel or sense what the scene looks like. I can imagine everything you write. Every story so far, even if they were on good standards, haven't quite lived up to the potential I have seen you write, yet. I think this is the first story on Inkitt that I have been able to really feel like I am immersed rather than just reading. Most the other stories I have read are either lacking a thing or two, but yours is so authentic and imaginable, it was hard to put the story to bed!

As for your writing style, I loved it! It makes me feel right there with the characters, like I am seeing it up close rather than flipping virtual pages! Your characters are very characteristic, in a great way! They all have distinctive personalities, and the character development has had an impact on me!

At the start of the book, Luna is quiet, shy, unsure of herself and her place on where she belongs, but through her curiosity and adventures, she is growing into such a relatable character who has more confidence and structure that it just keeps you wanting to get to know her and how her journey will play out!

The ONLY thing that I could find that made me squint when reading, is you don't always capitalize your starting dialogue. You should always capitalize unless the dialogue is continuing after slight narration. Spelling and grammar, were pretty much on point, otherwise! I really like the story so far and can't wait for you to update! Keep it up!

To potential readers who are looking at this review, I suggest starting this read, already! You're missing out, otherwise! Definitely recommend!

Prequel

I gotta say that this was a great read so far that you have written! The beginning already has a lot going on, not to overwhelm, but enough to grab the readers! I think this story is going to be a roller coaster of events that is going to keep me reading!

The character dynamics and how they all connect is wonderful and the scenery is beautifully done! Her relationship with the new characters and her sister is well presented and carry nicely through the chapters. Trinity, the main protagonist is very fun and determined! She is my favorite so far!

I only found minor mistakes, but otherwise, it looked very well edited! Keep writing, author! Keep it up!

Honest Review

Alright, a few things. First, your descriptions in telling how the characters feel and their thought patterns for the characters are very realistic. They aren't ridiculous or almost imaginative like some people can be prone to the tropes like that in fantasy. You had a very good prologue, and it was a huge attention grabber for me, plot-wise. That is exactly what some people fail to do, but you nailed it.

One thing to consider, is you need to go back in and edit, especially that prologue. As the plot for it was very good, the grammar and switching between tenses made me stumble a bit. There were many mistakes. You should also edit your summary, if you end up selling this story in the future; the summary is what the people will read first before buying your book and it NEEDS to not have any mistakes.

Some mistakes included a few capitalizations, switching between third and first person, the me/my thing and some minor, other errors.

I think adding some more character description would definitely help. As I can visualize parts of the story so far that you have written, parts of the characters remain a little blank and I almost imagine it in a dark room or something to block out the parts that haven't been described.

Lastly, throughout the first two chapters after the prologue, your transition to first person-present tense was perfect in my opinion. I thought it was very well done and I am personally a fan of that writing style. I am glad to have met another author who enjoys writing in that style, like myself. In these chapters you didn't switch between first and third person like in the prologue which was good, but there were a few mistakes, but not many of them. One thing, though, as I have learned in writing, when a character is in an intense situation, unless they are maybe dying, they aren't going to reminisce much about the person. They would, instead, be focusing about the situation at hand. The one instance of this in your story in the last chapter presently, I would just add it after the scene.

Other than some mistakes, you have officially hooked me. I want to read more, author! Keep the chapters coming! I would definitely recommend this as where the story has started, has a lot of potential.

Interesting

First, it is quite an interesting read, and I will tell you why. The story follows the main protagonist, Lance, who goes on a mission in Kansas City. I have to say the general parts of his character are very much down to earth and thought out. He is generally humble and thoughtful, has showings of anxiety and struggles with life. His thoughts and such, even the ones you wouldn't say out loud to anyone, seem to fit the scenario.

The story itself is fun and has a great mix of modern paranormal and realistic situations. I like the character dynamic with Lance and the other characters. The part with him and Leanan and their part of the story was well versed in explanation, especially, the reactions emotionally he has toward her later on after events unfold.

Things that I think could be improved on is maybe having some more relatable male characters. I don't really see a trope as much with the paranormal aspect, as you have included different variations of vampires, sorcerers/wizards/mage and witches, but you do have one male main character who is surrounded by many good-looking females throughout the whole story. There is Green and Eddy, but they aren't as prominent throughout as the other female characters. He officially ended up kissing most the female characters as well, which, I thought was a little odd and sometimes unnecessary.

I can tell the gist of the story has been edited-that this isn't the first exact draft, but I did find some errors. More so in the earlier chapters, you have a bunch of longer paragraphs and some run-on sentences. I think the most prominent error in your writing was the use of commas or lack of them. Some areas had two mashed sentences put together when, instead of a comma, should have been a period.

Also, when starting dialogue, it always needs to be capitalized. There were a few instances when the beginning of the dialogue was lower case.

One other thing about grammar, is the use of show, don't tell. I think going back and changing up the wording for some of the reactions can help give an extra OOMPH to the story. One way to do this is to show what is happening vs telling. A small example would be: "No!" Cassandra says angrily. Instead, you could put: Cassandra balls her hands into fists, "No!" In the later chapters, you seemed to show rather than tell, which is good, but the first half of your story I think could be edited to better suit this!

So far, though, this has been the first story I have read that has been edited to a greater degree. This story, despite some grammar errors, didn't make me stop reading or have to go back and re-read half the chapter to realize something or whether I missed something like others I have read. This story has a continuous flow, and I like that.

If you are looking for a paranormal short story, I recommend reading this. Gives a fresher point on modern paranormal fantasy.

Fresh Story

First, the plot is very fresh. The whole Vampire/Werewolf tropes nowadays are getting a bit out of hand and basically retell the same story over and over again-much to where I can't bring myself to read more than a couple chapters of them. This story, however, gives a fresh look into light/dark Faes, dragons, bloodsuckers and werewolves, wisps, witches, etc. It has a variety of supernatural beings which makes it more diverse, and I absolutely love that!

The main characters are well written and provide a humor in much in their dialogue. Some I would think in a real situation, wouldn't be actually said, but the author makes it feel natural somehow. The dynamic between the two mains is very thrilling.

I do think, though, a lot was added in on the first and second chapters. A lot of names and places, but as you read, you get the hang where and who places, and people are.

The thing to work on, I believe, is more on the grammar and spelling errors. I realize this is a first draft and it is noted that there will be edits down the road, so it isn't anything too off-putting. If you aren't looking for errors, you will minorly see them. The plot and dialogue make up for that!

I recommend this story for those in favor of having a fresh take on the supernatural. It has a variety of supernatural beings and doesn't follow most supernatural tropes that have been resaid a million times. Keep it up author! I wait to see the finished product!