Overall Coalition Review
This is my overall review. There will be both a plot section and a technical section.
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Plot Stuff: The overall plot, I feel, is a slow-burn. That's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, you want your readers to learn about the main characters in your story will slowly building up to the main meat of the story. That's good, but sometimes it can run a little too slow. It wasn't until the last two chapters (chapters 7 and 8 at the time of this post) that things were starting to actually pick up. I felt like I was reading a very long prologue and a first chapter. I think picking up the pace a bit and do a bit of rearranging would make this story flow better. Your story does have potential. I can see this having a good mixture of plot and sex scenes. But pacing and rearranging stuff would help this story a lot.
Technical stuff: There were times things were inconsistent, such as the switching from third person to first person. There was random Spanish in Chapter 8, for which I don't understand why. On the mobile app, the paragraphs are fine, but on the computer, they're formatted in a clunky way. This could use a massive technical edit. If all of this was written on a phone, which it seemed like it was, then go on your computer and look over the large errors. After that, once you're officially done writing the plot, then look into hiring an editor or use ProWriterAid.
Overall, this is clearly a first draft. But this story, and the series, means a lot to you, then don't give up on it. Like I said, I can see this having great potential. You do have something there. Just focus on writing your story first. Get that done. That's more important than worrying and overthinking everything while you're writing this story.