I have no
desire to get to the bottom of this. Those
monsters want to eat us. Their malice
has an unquenchable thirst for blood.
They wanted to suck the blood out of appendages, pouring it onto their
tongues. I’m getting the hell out of
here and I’m going to save my girlfriend.
The kitchen was the epicenter of madness. I was there with a bun in one hand and a serrated knife in the other frying carnival food for customers. The same sorrel colored wood grain covered every surface. The woman shouted as I handed her the sausage and peppers to her fucking husband- “David! You- you just took a bite out of me!” David’s dead stare said nothing.
My reaction was to dive out the side of the booth under the tarp. People stood in mid action, terrified and uncomprehending. The day finally came when I was actually in this scene that I had some foresight to prepare for and I knew I had just a moment before all hell broke loose. It was an undead apocalypse. It was the Day of the Zombie Fuckers!
I know what’s coming. I’m not waiting around for shit to happen. It’s going to be gore. It’s going to be chaos. There’s going to be blood and entrails and the stink. I knew from a life of struggle that nothing well planned ever comes to fruition. Why the hell else was I cooking fast food at the county fair in my 30s?
The mass screaming began. Pandemonium ensued. Panic gripped the air. The woman fell to the ground, blood poured down. David began to choke down the flesh of his wife’s neck. Fuck! I noticed multiple zombies in my peripheral. The peaceful mid-day fair was now a fodder ground for Zombie Fuckers.
“Christina!” She should be backstage. I have to find her. “Christina!” Running, holding the grill spatula like a sword, I made bee lines across the field to the Country Music stage, avoiding nasty problems as I went. I dodged a fat pedestrian gobbling down meat from a femur that normally would’ve been a turkey leg. It saw me and lunged for my throat. Fucking Jesus, I was nearly nabbed! Okay, so I can somewhat easily outrun the bastards. Then, there she was. She was ready for her scene in Twelfth Night. The chaos had not quite reached this side of the Fair yet. “Christina! Let’s get the fuck out of here!”
I grabbed her by the wrist and threw one leg in front of the other. Between the stalls, I thought I saw something big and green. Run! The gate! The fucking crowd is stampeding! Something was not letting people through! They were jammed up, elbow to elbow. My instinct said no way, but I was armed and if we broke through we’d just have to get to the car, and be halfway home.
There was a woman leaning against a tree like she didn’t see the chaos that was around her. I yelled to her, “Lady! Behind! You!” One of the creatures drank the squirting blood from her neck in his mouth like a fountain and when it was done, the poor woman with Middle American tastes fell to the ground. Then her body rose and shuffled in the grass toward the nearest warm body. I pulled Christina towards the gate. The people were pushing. The fence was too high to climb. In the middle of the turnstile, one of the Zombie Fuckers was changing. The Zombie Mother-Fucker was morphing from the inside. Green spikes ripped through its skin. A snout emerged from its bloody mouth. The human body was dumped like a foul nest and an infinitely terrible creature emerged! Fuck! The day just became The Terror of the Giant Zombie Dino Fuckers!
I noticed that, all over the place and all around us, evil vicious Dino Fuckers emerged from their zombie human body shells like torn Easter candy. I looked as Christina took off running. “Babe!” She ran fast. She was hysterical and aghast. “Babe!” She didn’t respond, all I saw was the sun lighting up her hair as she alighted and the bounce of the costume dress- she had the right idea though, the employee entrance.
No-! Where did all these people come from?! It was another stampede of panic stricken dead headed Middle Americans. People! Stop pushing! “Christina!” I lost sight of her in the melee and cacophony. Somehow I wriggled free out of the mess. Toward the middle of the fairground, people were running like scared children, arms flailing, in circles, with no idea of what to do. They ran right into the jaws of a green beast and had limbs and heads severed. Rushes of blood reached skyward and torrents of bile and contents of bowels exploded outward. Toward the stables, some folks thought it was a show and laughed and took pictures. They didn’t last long, too trusting. Original Zombie Fuckers attacked them and Dino Fuckers attacked the zombies and it was a whole big shit parade of death and violence. Gore festooned the gruesome remains of the fairground. Tourists were like retarded ants full of funnel cake and turkey legs and Lime Rickey’s and cotton candy and pizza and face paint and stupid fucking things that they spent their money on trying to buy a little happiness on vacation away from their shitty routines. The lot of them was dead in seconds.
I was pounced on. No, it was someone thrown against me. I poised myself, rose to my feet, with the spatula-sword readied. The someone thrown against me was a kid. I watched as he became a Zombie Fucker before my very eyes. It growled at the top of his lungs. It craved the taste of flesh, and my flesh was next on the menu. It lunged, flinging its appendages. I stabbed and yanked it upwards. It stopped and gave a queer look. Now, it began to morph. The tail emerged from its torso and swung around. The jaws ripped out of the clothing so fast. Spikes from its spine shot out at an enormous speed. It lunged at me, before the transformation was complete, its black eyes full of malice. Thrust! I got the son of a bitch in the chest. The Dino Fucker’s arms were no match. I kept it away. It tried to grab me, scratch me, and kill me. Those jaws clapped! The green skinned son of a bitch Dino Fucker lunged and tripped on the legs of its former Zombie Fucker body. I pushed my weight into the spatula sword. It did the trick. Life exited the brute.
Ahhh. Ahhh. I breathed heavy. Adrenaline was thick in my blood. “Who wants some?!” No, I’m not Conan; I’ve got to find Christina.
“Christina!” Blood dripped from my elbows and my chin and saturated my shirt and pants. “Christina!” These things are everywhere! “Christina!” If she was smart, she’d be out of here by now. If she was smart and lucky! I can’t wait around to see. I ran back toward the fence, jumped on a trailer hitch, and leaped over, snagging my sneaker on top of the chain link.
Stuck atop the fence, I looked back, around. I should never have looked back because she was there. “Christina!” She was pinned by a Zombie Fucker. She fought it off with a bulbous tree branch. The Zombie Fucker backed her toward a shed, effectively trapping her. There were at least three Dino Fuckers and many more Zombies Fuckers between her and me. I was almost home free. I was almost to the car. I can’t stand to picture her beautiful face torn from bare flesh. I love her. I had to do it. I had to save her. I did not have to decide, it was impulse into action.
I jumped from the fence, landing on my knees. It was the wrong thing to do. One beast looked up from chewing on breasts, with blood and slop dangling from its mouth, and began for me. Get up! Get up! There are two of them. There’s a Dino Fucker coming and a Zombie Fucker right there. There’s no way I can take on two at once, not with their level of unrelenting aggression. Man, where are the semi automatics? Where’s the Army?
I pushed my feet and narrowly missed oblivion. Goddamn it, Christina, where are you? Those bastards are probably doing some Zombie Fucker shit to her, fucking her, killing her. Shit. I looked up and couldn’t see her. The Dino Fucker was on my heels. Christina! “Christina!” Fuck. I see her. It’s too late. Her skin was grey and she had the lust for flesh. Damn it! Christina! Damn it! No! Her mouth was dirty with gore and she was eating on a poor dumb bastard’s body.
Fuck! Tearing at my back! Fight back! The fury of hell surrounded me. Gloom tendrils suctioned my being. Get up. This is not the end. I am better than this. The spatula! Fight! Get out of here. A Dino Fucker lunged for me. I slit its throat. The serrated blade was good for cutting across the grain of their scales.
Christina, no! Her Zombie Fucker eyes lusted for my skin and muscle and sinew and unspeakable vital fluids. God! Her teeth and nails! I defended myself. The blade slid into her jugular with ease. And my Christina left. I thought there was a glimmer of the girl I loved when she died. Her soul evaporated through her pores and soon it was no longer my girlfriend or a Zombie Fucker, but only dead meat and organic tissue.
Blam! A shotgun. The thing sprayed its hideous blood all around. I was soaked in Dino Fucker blood. I looked- Its head and chest were missing. Who-? The Fortune Teller, from the booth. She beckoned me. I thought, shotgun! Hell yeah. Where’d she get it? She went inside the purple tent. I ran to it. I slid into it like home base.
“You made it. You’ll be safe.” The Fortune Teller said.
“What? We have to get out of here?!”
She motioned toward the tent flap. I took the shotgun from her hands and I peeked out of the tent and the scene was gone. The horrors were gone. It was grey and quiet and there were only bodies. No Fair, No Zombie Fuckers, or Dino Fuckers. It was over and it had been over for some time.