I lay down on the bed and sighed. This is gonna be a long night, I thought to myself while I glanced outside the window. I saw the city lights blinking with different colours and they were bright.
I looked at my phone and smiled when I saw Earl’s face in the screen. I put the stolen shot I got of him while we’re in the amusement park as my wallpaper in my phone.
I caressed the screen while staring at Earl. He can’t hide his innocence behind those façade that he put on to be the Earl he was right now.
The first time I saw him again here in Italy, I knew that it was fate.
I’m aware he’s in Italy and that he’s working for Altrees but the time that we saw each other at the club that night. I never knew that.
And when I actually saw him again after 5 long fucking years, I didn’t have second thoughts of making him mine again. I won’t let my past mistakes hinder me in getting the one person I want.
I won’t let them control my life anymore.
I gave him up because I know that if he’s going to stay right by my side, a lot of dangerous things were bound to happen and he might die. But letting him go was the most painful thing I’ve ever done to myself.
I spent the five years of my life in hell. I quitted being an assassin and by doing that, I paid a one hell of a price. The old man actually locked me up for 1 year inside the house. He won’t let me out, nor see or talk or interact with anyone other than him and Damascus. He didn’t even let me finish school and just locked me up – like what he always do when I was just a kid.
I spent one year of my life missing Earl – longing for him that I almost thought of ending my life because I can’t take the depression anymore. It was Damascus who convinced my dad to let me out because he can see that I’m slowly dying. The old man agreed but threatened me that if I thought of quitting being an assassin again, he’s going to kill everyone I know.
And that includes the people from my gang, Harry and Edward.
And most likely Earl.
I tried to fulfil his bargain and continued being an assassin. But every time I pull the trigger to someone’s head, I can’t stop myself from thinking that if I continue being the way I am, I really won’t have the chance to be with Earl again.
I don’t want that.
I don’t care if I turn my back away from the Mafia, to my family or to anyone else.
I just want to be with him.
And I’m willing to pay the price to be with the one you love.
I decided to go to Italy to handle the Mafia family there. I never told my dad that I stopped being an assassin. Whenever he sent me clients, it’s my men who do the jobs.
I sighed and continued to stare at his picture.
Man, what am I? A creep? I just can’t stop myself from wanting Earl. Every time he’s here, every time I smell him, feel him, I have this sudden urge to eat him up.
“Earl.” I called and closed my eyes. Even his name left a sweet taste on my mouth. I want him again, right beside me.
I looked up the ceiling and suddenly remembered Bella and what she told me.
They’re forcing me to kill someone who owns them money. They’re willing to do everything just to fulfil the job.
I don’t want to do it anymore.
I don’t want to kill anyone anymore.
I’m so sick of this lifestyle.
I want to become normal.
I just want to enjoy my life. Be with friends, my family, and with him.
I clutched the sheets when I felt the pain in my heart slowly eating me up. Fuck. I hate this.
I hate this life so much.
“Are you okay? You’re not sick again, are you?” Earl asked me while he was handing me down a cup of coffee. I looked up to him and smirked.
“No, I’m fine.” I arranged the pile of papers on the coffee table and put it on the side. He sat on the opposite chair across mine and he observed me closely. I ignored his stares and just continued to drink the coffee he bought me.
“Matthias, are you eating well?” He asked and I closed my eyes. He’s obviously worried at me but it’s getting really irritating. I like it when he does that but shit, I’m not in the best mood today.
“Shut up.” I answered shortly and I cursed when he looked hurt.
“Okay, I’m just making sure.” He traced his fingers on the edge of the cup while his eyes were cast low. I was the one who insisted that he spend his time with me on our breaks and here I’m acting like a jerk.
“I’m fine. Seriously.” I muttered and smiled at him reassuringly. Earl’s face turned relaxed.
“Do you want to eat dinner with me?” He asked.
I’ll eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with you for the rest of my life.
“Yeah. Sure. My place.” He knew it wasn’t a question but he just nodded his head.
The door of my office opened and I saw Bella walking towards me. Her smile made me pissed off and I just rolled my eyes at her and continued reading the documents that were handed to me.
“Well, someone’s not in a good mood.” She commented and I blankly smirked at her.
“At least someone knows it.”
Bella sat on my desk and leaned forward to me. “I won’t let you go this time, Matthias. Devi fare questo [You have to do this].” She said and I groaned.
“Fuck you. Fuck you, and your boss, and your family and your job.” I snapped at her and she smiled.
“What happened? You’re grumpier this day.” She teased.
“I wonder who the cause of that is.” I said and she smiled innocently. She waved her hands and patted my head.
“Not me. I’m sure of that.” She said and I grunted in annoyance. I just want to go home today, eat dinner with Earl and sleep.
“Leave me alone, bitch.” I said and she faked a cry.
“You called me a bitch? I’m hurt Matty.” Bella moaned. I’m getting tired of her smart-ass mouth and I wanted to shut it off. Maybe putting a bullet will suffice.
Bella stood up and circled around my desk. She stopped right behind my back and wrapped her long arms around my neck. “Farò tutto quello che vuoi, se si esegue questa. [I’ll do anything you want if you do this].”
I just tilted my head and ignored her seductive moves. I’m much more engrossed in checking the status of the company rather than her.
“Matthias.” She kissed my neck and I can smell her expensive perfume which actually made my nose scrunched.
“Move your hands away or I’ll cut them off.” I threatened and I felt her tensed up.
She immediately released me and just pouted. “I hate you.”
“The feeling is mutual.”
She sat on the chair in front of my desk, leaned down and laid her head on the desk. “Seems like I don’t have any other choice.”
My fingers twitched at what she said. I glared at her and she returned it back. That entire cheery demeanour she had suddenly fades away and her face was all serious now.
“If you won’t do this job, someone’s going to be the bait.”
We glared for a few seconds before she spoke. “If you don’t want him to get involved in this, do what we’re telling you to do and everything will be fine.”
Every nerve in my body started to rose in anger and in a snap of a finger, I took out the gun I had in my coat. Bella was fast enough to see what I was going to do and did the same by pulling out a pistol under her skirt. We both stood up in a flash, knocking down both of our chairs before pointing a gun on each other’s faces.
Bella smirked. “I’m not an idiota [Idiot], Matthias. I wouldn’t dream of killing you but you give me no other choice. If you won’t do this job, it’s my head they’re going to hunt. Help me out in this.”
I stared directly into her eyes. She was obviously determined but by eyes was pensive.
Of course I know that she’s just being forced by doing this. Bella’s a good friend of my sister and she got close to me because of that. She treats me like her younger brother as well so I’m aware that she’s in pain with doing this mission.
I sighed and rubbed the back of my head. She put her gun first before I did.
“I’ll do it.”
Bella breathes out a sigh of relief.
“Thank you, Matthias.”
Earl, I’m so sorry.
“ –tthias. Matthias!” I snapped out of my thoughts when Earl’s voice screamed right beside me. I looked at him and blinked when I saw the he was standing on my right while holding a bowl of soup.
“What?” I asked and he just glared playfully at me.
“I’ve been calling your for how many times.” He said and I rubbed my face with my hands.
“Shit. I’m just tired.” I excused. Earl looked reluctant at first but let it go (thank goodness). He sat on the chair at the other side and served the soup he cooked.
I stared at it while Bella’s words continued to ring inside my head.
If I won’t do this job, Earl will be involved. Bella’s well aware of my relationship with Earl. She knew that Earl was obviously important to me and she’ll use him to get what she wants. What they want.
I don’t want to risk his life again. He got kidnapped once and I won’t let that happen. I might lose my mind if it were bound to happen the second time.
I gripped the spoon in my hand but stopped when I heard Earl gasped. I looked at him and he was staring at the spoon. I gaze down and saw the spoon bending down because of my grip.
I dropped it on the table. “Shit.”
“Matthias. Please, don’t try to hide things from me anymore.” I froze at what he said and looked up to meet his eyes.
I can see the pain behind his face and I’m the one who’s the cause of that.
I shook my head. “It’s nothing.”
“You always say it’s nothing when it’s something.”
“I’m telling you it’s nothing.”
“Matthias, geez. Why’re you so stubborn even at a time like this? It’s obvious that you’re being bothered with something.”
I’m so stressed.
“I know I don’t have the right to butt in into your business but I can’t just stand here and watch you look like shit. You’re not yourself anymore. Every time we’re together, you always look so distant – like you’re not here at all.”
I’m so fucking stressed.
“Matthias please just – ”
“Shut up!!” Earl immediately stopped talking. His mouth was wide open, like he was about to say something but I cut him off.
“Even if I tell you everything, you can’t do shit about it. Seriously, what can you do?! If you get involve with this again, do you think you can protect yourself?!” I shouted right at him and his eyes flickered anger, anguish and misery all the same time. He pursed his lips into a thin line and tears started to drop from his eyes.
“You know, for once, I thought everything’s fine already. I know I’m not any of use. I’m just the same lame Earl you know, right? Even if I change everything in me, you can’t see me other than that anymore. To you, I’ll always be weak, stupid.” I want to contradict everything he said but I can’t move anymore. The stress building up inside me was quickly devouring me.
He grabbed his bag on the floor and rushed out of the condo. I heard the door slammed and I was left all alone.
My phone started ringing but I snatched it on the table and threw it across the room, so hard that it broke instantly.
“FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!”
“Oh mio quello che è successo qui? [Oh my, what happened here].” I saw Mrs Bennoit came inside the kitchen. I stared at her and she gasped when she saw me sitting down on the floor with a bottle of vodka in my hand. “Sir Matthias, stai bene?! [Are you alright].”
I shook my head and tried to stand up but stumbled back on the floor. My sight was blurry but I can still tell what’s what. Mrs Bennoit caught me and helped me to stand up. “Oh Dio! [Oh God].”
She led me back on my room and made me lie down on the bed. My stomach started burning up and I moved to the side of the bed to puke on the floor. I heard her scream in shock and she quickly ran to my side the rub my back while I continue to throw up.
Fuck drinking 10 bottles of vodka’s not a good decision. (A/N: I can’t even drink that much!!)
Mrs Bennoit tucked me under the blankets and wiped my face with a lukewarm towel. “Sembri un pasticcio. [You look like a mess].” I can hear her muttering but sleepiness got a better hold of me.
I woke up and I noticed that it was sunset already. The whole room was cleaned. Oh yeah, Mrs Bennoit came today. She regularly goes here to clean up my mess and cooks for me. I slowly stood up and cursed when a painful sting thrust my head. I tend to ignore it since hangover wasn’t really new and I walked up to the kitchen to grab something to eat. I’m so fucking hungry and all this drama in my life was making me feel worse than I already am.
I opened the fridge and smiled a little when I saw a plate of basil pesto inside. I pulled it out and didn’t even bother to reheat it and just ate it cold. I finished it in a moment and felt a little satisfied.
Man, I need to take this stress out before I combust.
Earl was pretty mad at me yesterday and I don’t want to talk to him right now. Things might get more complicated and we might fight even more if I rushed.
It might be good to put distance between us until I finish this job.
I stood up and grabbed the coat from my walk-in wardrobe. I pulled one of the drawers in my room and stared hard at the set of guns laid down inside. I grabbed my gun with the silencer and tucked it inside the coat I had.
I sat on my car while waiting for the target to get out of the shop. The envelope about the target was lying on the passenger’s seat and I read everything I need to know. He owned Martin, one of the dangerous loan sharks here in Italy a few euros and he decided to ran away to get the debt off of him. But doing that only makes the situation worse and eventually, the sharks will do something about it to repay your debts.
And it means killing if you can’t pay it.
The doors of the shop finally opened and the man I’ve been targeting walked out. He was holding a paper bag on his hand. I stepped out of the car and followed him a little far so he won’t see me. When he turned to a dark corner, I knew that it was my chance to kill him.
I waited for a moment before walking to the alley and I saw him walking down the corridor. I followed him silently. When he turned around to look behind him, I hid in one of the posts, using the shadow to hide me away from his sight. He shrugged his shoulders and continued to walk.
I moved a little closer, my footsteps becoming lighter so that he won’t detect me. He was unaware that I’m just inches away from him now.
I pointed the trigger right behind his head while continuing walking with him.
“Just point the gun right in his head. Don’t feel any emotion in doing it. You’re born to be a killer, Damian. You don’t question anything, you don’t feel anything. Do it. Kill anyone who needs to be killed.”
The sudden flashback made my head throb for a moment. The man in front of me suddenly turned and gasped in fear when he saw the gun pointing at him.
“No!!” He tried to run but I swiftly pulled the trigger and shot him on the thighs. He fell down on the asphalt floor and screamed in pain while clutching his bloody leg.
“No, Si prega di non farlo! Ti sto implorando! [Please don’t do it. I’m begging you.]” The man hurdled to the side while crawling away from me.
“You don’t have to feel anything, Damian.”
“Ho ancora voglia di vivere! [I still want to live.]” Tears were dripping down his face and he looked extremely scared.
“Do it Damian. Kill him.”
The man abruptly stopped and stared at me with his hurt expression.
I put the gun down and sighed. “I won’t do it.”
His face masked with glorious relief and started thanking me over and over again.
I’m so screwing this up.
It’s been two days since I last saw Earl.
Fuck, not being with him feels so empty.
I sighed and finally stood up from my desk. I grabbed the black coat hanged on the chair and I stepped out of my office. My secretary, Rick, bid me goodbye as he watched me go down the elevator. When I reached the public department floor, I walked to Earl’s office and I saw his assistant, Liza gathering some papers from the copy machine. When she saw me, she stopped doing her work and greeted me.
“Hi, sir Matthias!” She said. “Looking for Earl?”
“He left already.”
I blinked. “What?” That little prick. “Okay.”
“Are you gonna meet up with him?”
“Okay, thank God for that. He’s been acting weird these days and I knew it had to be you.” I smiled a little. So he’s been doing the same thing I was doing.
I walked out of the building but a guard stopped me. He looked worried. “Signore, qualcuno ha lasciato questo per te. [Sir, someone left this for you.]”
I looked at the white envelope he had and I opened it up to read.
Oh fuck, here comes the regret.
I ran towards my car parked right in front of the building and quickly started the engine.
Shit, shit, shit. I know that screwing up the failed assassination will make me regret but I never expected for them to know it right away. I told the guy I was assigned to kill to get out of the country and stay away for as long as he can. I was planning on making Earl to move in with me tonight to protect him against them but shit, it’s already too late.
Fuck, I promised myself not to get him involve in this.
I’m going to kill all of them if something happened to him. I don’t think I can restrain myself this time.
I was about to step out of the car but my phone rang (Rick bought me a new one). I quickly answered it when I saw Bella’s name flashing on the screen.
“Listen, Bella.” I gritted dangerously. “If you put one wound on Earl’s body, I swear to god I’m going to kill you all.”
“It’s your fault for betraying us.
“No, you listen to me and listen well. Don’t come here in here. I know you’re already outside the building but Martin’s planning to kill you.”
“Fuck that, he can’t kill me.”
“Matthias, just shut up and for once, listen to me, okay?! Martin’s serious about killing you. He’s pissed off because you failed this job and he wants your life. If you go in here without a plan, you’ll be dead before dinner!”
“Says someone who kidnapped what’s mine.”
“Stop with the sarcasm. Come up with a plan to save Earl. We’re at the 26th floor. Go to the other building across this one and kill Martin.”
She hanged up the phone and I wanted to throw it again but I can’t because Bella might call me again. I ran to the next building the opposite from where they were keeping Earl and climbed the 26th floor. Turned out the 26th floor of the building was the rooftop.
I marched to the edge and thanks to my 20/20 vision, I can clearly see the floor where they were. Martin stood in front of Earl who was tied up to a post. Good thing he’s not beaten up or else, I’ll make it rain bullets in there.
My heart dropped when I saw Bella pointing a pistol right in front of Earl’s face. I quickly pulled the gun I had and placed it to where it’s directly pointing to her.
My mind went black and I aimed for it.
I don’t care if I kill someone again.
For Earl’s sake, I have to be what I really am.