6. Would it be Enough?
I followed closely behind him, unsure if we were back to normal or not. Truth is, I hated feeling so far from him, so distant. He threw down the blankets we had brought, frowning as he realized that were only two small ones. He laid them out on the ground and moved, sitting with his back against the wall.
I looked at him and then the blankets on the floor, "We cannot both fit there."
"I'll stay up, keep watch." He placed a small twig between his teeth and brought his hands behind his neck. He leaned back on his hands, and kept his eyes wide open as he stared at the ceiling.
I wanted him to lay down with me, so I could feel his calming chest as he breathed. It was the only thing that kept the nightmares at bay. Without thinking it twice, I shuffled closer to him until I sat a few inches from his foot. He looked down at me with a raised eyebrow and a small circle.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm not tired." I lied, I was exhausted. But more than exhausted, I was terrified of having to sleep without him by my side. He chuckled, obviously not believing me, "Talk to me?" I looked up at him hopefully, and he sighed. I smiled deeply, knowing I had won him over.
"What do you want to talk about?" He nodded.
Butterflies burst inside of me. This was nothing new, we had spent hours, nights, days talking and laughing together since we were stuck in this realm, but I decided that tonight I was going to ask him the question that always gnawed at the back of my head.
"Can you tell me about your visions?" I signed quickly, so there would be no space for me to take it back.
He tilted his head, frowning and swallowing a lump in his throat, "What visions, Aria?"
I narrowed my eyes at him, though I knew before I asked the question that I would have to convince him to tell me, "You know what I'm talking about, Jakko." I mouthed his name as I signed and saw his eyes as they sunk on my lips.
There was a part of me that felt guilty fo using that, he loved the way his name looked on my lips. Not because he ever communicated as much, but because I was always so ready to study his face when I did let my lips follow the curves of his name.
And it wasn’t like I didn’t do it as well, regardless of how torn I was in the situation, Jakko was extremely handsome. Couple that with the way he has taken care of me for the past 2 years and I question constantly what exactly was tying me to Dastan.
He cleared his throat, “What are you trying to do, Aria?” He shook his head as he chuckled quietly, “I mean, we have been here for years and you’ve never asked me that, but the day we find out we can to go back to Dastan, you ask me this?”
I chewed on my bottom lip nervously. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea, maybe he had a point, “I’m sorry.”
“No, no.” He sighed, “It’s fine, I’m just not sure sharing those visions is something I can do with you right now.” I nodded, sadly and stood up to move to the small pile of blankets. "You do not want to talk about anything else?" He looked at me with raised eyebrows, disappointment in his voice when he saw that I had moved away from him.
"Nothing as interesting as that." I smiled as I brought the blanket up to my knees and looked at him when he shrugged his shoulders, "What are you most excited for when we get back home?" I had realized that he was taking me home, me, so I could be with Dastan. I didn't really know what he was looking forward to, and I had been too selfish to even ask the question.
He scoffed and frowned, looking down at his lap, "Honestly, I have-I have no idea." He looked back up at me and I could see that he was having an internal battle, though I was not sure over what, "I have no idea what waits for me there, and after being here, with you, for so long, I just don't think the life I lived before would- would be enough."
That's when it hit me. Yes, I'm going back to be with Dastan, and I always knew that, but it didn't hit me until now that that meant letting go of Jakko. Forever. It wasn't like I could be with Dastan, marry him, be his queen and then go him to be with Jakko. It didn't work like that. And now I questioned, would the life I lived before this be enough to satisfy me?
"I should get some sleep." I turned around and wrapped myself in the blankets, ignoring Jakko's confused frown as I ended the conversation swiftly.
I didn't want him to see the confusion in my eyes and the inevitable tears that would fill my eyes.