My view is blurry, I'm covered with blood. The extreme pain every time I breathe tells that all these bloods are definitely mine. The view in front of me is nowhere near 'calm'. The car windows are shattered, I can tell we are definitely running over the speed limit. I remind myself quietly not to let Oliver drive again. But then it hits me that there might be no other time. It makes me shudder. Dylan's face tells it all. He is worried, he is crying, he is holding me. At this moment, why is everything starts to go in slow motion? As I'm starting to lose consciousness, Dylan keeps telling me things. But I'm too tired and my blurry vision isn't helping either, I can't even read his lips. I wanted to sleep. All I wanted now is to drift in to the darkness; I tell myself 'this is it, I think its okay to let go now.' The deep calm darkness is too inviting. I don't feel the pain anymore; the numbness makes me almost think I'm just out of surgery. I wish I am. Mish is crying quietly beside me or maybe it's quiet because I can't hear a thing. 'Mommy, I think I'm dying.' But I'm starting to gain a little consciousness again, and then it follows with a huge splash of water. Then I shot up from my bed with heaving chest.
This was a 'normal' night; a nightmare to wake me up in the morning, every time beating my alarm, and sometimes in the middle of the night. I would just lay there in my bed until mum calls for me to wake up, that's when I usually 'wake up'. And then my alarm follows. This was my routine for the last 10 years, after 2 years of seeing psychiatrist. 2 years of psychiatric counseling and tons of medication for the nightmares, it clearly didn't help at all. I hated the drugs. I was so tired of feeling numb, feeling like I didn't even exist. That's how it felt; it was like watching a hollow of me from the inside, barely existing. Then I started to learn to keep the nightmares to myself. Wearing a pretty smile more often clearly helps. Then the visit stopped.
It had always been hard on my mom to let me out of her sight. I had to enroll myself to local college after high school, so I could attend from home.
Reading had always been an escape, which make education a very important factor in my life.
"Is it the nightmare again?" I heard Katy's voice.
"Yeah, did I wake you?"
"No, are you okay?" she came to sit beside me.
"I am now." I smiled a little.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"You already know everything" I replied.
"It's not for my knowledge. You need to let it out." I didn't wanna look at her face. I didn't need to see her to know she was tearing up.
I know it'd hurt her to see me like this. I kept quite. I knew from the start that I didn't deserve her. But she was stubborn; she was the only one who could keep up with my messed up life. But we would always go back into this conversation again. I knew she was worried about me but the system was more of a hell, not a help. But was I selfish to stay with her?
"I'm sorry" I didn't know what to say. She was only trying to help.
"I'm sorry too" I stayed quiet.
"You know you can always talk to me, or your mum." She took my right hand carefully and hold it.
"I don't think so; she's just starting to live again. She's happy again. I can't do this to her."
"How do we get pass this?" she looked at me with teary eyes. "I want to help you, but how will I do that if you don't let me? You shouldn't do this to yourself either." I stayed quiet.
She was right but I didn't know how to do that. The psychiatrist was out of an option; they just keep on making me repeat what I want to forget and making me numb with the pills. How does numbing you would help you get over something? It would only just suppress it.
But how would she know? She was only trying to help. I couldn't blame her for her frustration over this issue. This had been an ongoing obstacle in our relationship, and it's not healthy. But I was too scared to be alone and it was very selfish of me to make her stay.
"I love you" raising my eyes again to meet hers. "I can never ask for more than the way you're taking care of me. But I don't wanna be the one who's only weighing you down. I wanna get better, but I don't think that's happening any time soon."
"What are you trying to say?"
"I don't know. I was thinking.., maybe this was not a good idea. I was being selfish, I should have considered your emotional well-being."
She looks at me with disbelieve "I..."
"I know you got accepted at the Newton. You're gonna have to leave soon." I try not to tear up.
"What? Why do you keep pushing me away? From the start, you keep doing this. I knew from the start it wasn't gonna be easy. I know you have baggage. You know how all my friends warned me. But I chose you anyway. Because I love you" she raises her voice. She was a strong woman, and it was heartbreaking to see her cry.
I said nothing. I was afraid my voice would gives me away. She was right. I loved her but, my mess was too messed up, and I didn't wanna get her tangled up too. She was too precious to be broken like I was. I shouldn't have given us a chance at the first place. But she was stubborn; too hard to resist. But she was young, she was perfect, she had a bright future. She was struggling enough, and I didn't wanna be just an extra baggage for her to carry. I knew it was best to let her go.
She was always the one to pull me up when I fall down. But I was never strong enough to get myself better for the both of us. She was always the one to care for the both of us.
I got back to bed; I lied on my side of the bed curling up and crying. She stayed in the bathroom; I didn't have to hear a thing to know she was crying too. I wanted to get in there and embraced her. I wanted to relieve the pain I caused her. I fell asleep without a nightmare for the first time in forever. Maybe the reality scared me more; the reality of someone who still loved me after knowing my deepest darkest secrets was leaving soon.
The sun was already up when I woke up and my alarm was gone. Katy always hated how I kept things I didn't need just to make myself feels normal. Because she thought those were the things that kept me from accepting what I really needed. I got up, she was gone. The toothbrush she used every time she sleeps over was in the trashcan. The smell of her shampoo was still lingering in the bathroom. I took a deep breath and I know the high was over and it was gonna start hurting more. It got me almost laugh how my high was actually that low. How I couldn't even be happy when I was with someone like Katy. Who wouldn't want a Katy in their life? My Katy, I was clearly the one at lost. And I shouldn't care. She might be hurt for now, but she's gonna be thankful that I cut the chain. Because she's gonna be so much more without me.