Furiousass: Wow..Is this the so called one man army.
Wiseman: Nah.. it’s more like god.
Kirito: Guys, re u sure this is not hack.
Wiseman: Nah, just high level and true skills, but damn he is truly shameless.
Damn: Just forget about me....
Chaos filled the world’s most popular MMORPG “World” chat. A figure with long black hair was sitting in front of its PC; the PC didn’t look old or new, it looked normal. However, what didn’t look normal was the gamer’s hand speed, accuracy, and flawless rhythm; it was so graceful that it left afterimages. His hand movements had no sign of crudeness or clumsiness. In front of him was an ever spinning screen, changing rapidly and abruptly from first person (fp) to third person (tp) without any warning, but if this show of skill made anyone dizzy and numb, then one would feel cold sweat dripping down his back when the screen paused on an incredible image: a mob of 300 players, 1000 dark soul soldiers and one gigantic dragon overlord fighting in a battle royale, human archers killing both devil soldiers* by raining arrows on the beasts, dark purple golems* tanking the dragon and fighting the humans, while the huge monstrosity was sweeping left and right with its cold sharp fangs. The battlefield was a symphony orchestrated by mages and archers, warriors and paladins, beasts and golems, creating a magnificent balance in the chaos. Holy lights and dragon breaths illuminated the scene, frost arrows and fireballs exploded like fireworks, but this balance was fated to be broken by the one and only...balance breaker.
“Hey, did you finish the mob at your end?” I asked
“Why are you using complex expressions while talking?”
“Don’t know,” I said, “just answer me.”
“Well then, I lost the chance to say this, but whatever, “hmph, took you long enough, I finished long ago.“” She said with a change in tone.
“Okay, whatever, just don’t be stuck at 150 for life; it’s tiring waiting for you.”
“But... but it’s too hard. Grinding through one billion exp is idiotic; who the heck designed this game?” she replied, “ah, in fact, I know, probably someone as crazy as you, grindphile.”
“Being crazy suits me just fine.”
“Tch, you’re no fun.”
The girl in front of me is Miyuki, a blonde haired, tsundere-in-preparation, beauty with luscious roun-. You know what? I’m not going to shit myself describing her, just insert whatever stereotypical character you have in mind and it would do the trick, okay? Sigh. Let me give her some credit: she is smart, well smart is kinda relative, so if I say she is smart, you can think of her as a world class genius who can become the richest in the game in the span of 6 months and notice all the game mechanics in double the time I spent. Hey, I’m a monster, so it’s not fair to compare with me.
Now let’s talk about the main dish; the person who shocked the world over and over with his talents; the one who surpassed the boundaries of Darwin’s theory. Me- Oniyama.
Yeah, you noticed it right. My name is evil, no matter what way you look at it and I admit that whoever named me must be a crazy good fortune teller as, even I, can’t think of a better name. To put it bluntly, I’m an asshat; if I see someone about to be crushed by a car, I would spit in his face... Well, there is a reason for that; I got sued by a fucking asshole who I saved just because I broke his ankle while saving him, so I guess this example doesn’t count. Now for the next example, if I saw someone get bullied, guess what I’ll do? Yeah you guessed right, I would join the fun... Sigh, there is a reason for that too; a long time ago, I saved the sorry ass of an idiot snotty boy and after I hoped everything was finished, I got framed as the bully. Thinking back, I really wasn’t some kind of devil; maybe I was just a misunderstood philanthropist who didn’t know what was happening around him, an innocent soul going with the flow, a fucking handsome one at that.
Well, that was the past me; the sad one who had many social interactions repeated over and over like an NPC dialogue until one day when I saw the truth of this world.
Many fictional novels talk about traumas and shit, but that’s just some random BS people spout when they have the same amount of knowledge toward the subject as the amount of fucks I give to the world. Let me tell you how to become like me; the secret is as follows...
You get up and wait for the school bus. On the way to the school, remember the rough draft of the discussion you heard, the talk you had, and, generally, everything that happened that day. The next day, you do the same thing and notice that nothing has changed. Repeat this process countless time... At some point, something will snap on your mind and you will think ‘fuck this shit, I’m out!!!!’
It’s just that I did what I said above unconsciously, so I’m bound to be more stable than someone who forced himself.
As many should have concluded, I treat people as NPCs. I don’t really give a damn about relationships, they can come and go like the wind. I don’t evade interactions, but I’m not searching nor trying to keep them either.
But enough of the gloomy talk, let’s talk about... games. Ah, games, best thing this shitty world has ever created, always coming with more challenge and always satisfying my ego. Now, even the world’s most popular MMORPG has been conquered by me; they gave me some chuunibiyou names like balance breaker because of that final battle. In fact, it’s simple to be as good as me; you just need my wits and will for character build and a normal strategy to win against all odds. So first things first, let’s talk about the game itself.
AlphaRealm Online surpassed Dofus, Wakfu, Black Desert, Guild wars 2, world pf warcraft and League of Legends (I know it’s a moba, but whatever). Its popularity went past impossible margins to the point it made the heads of every economist go numb, but it did, in truth, deserve it for its impossibly good graphics, mobility, and lack of lag. It also attracted many users because of its diverse combat gameplay, as it takes every imaginable place as a battlefield: be it the far horizon, the deep ocean, or the unfathomable space; there are always quests to complete and monsters to hunt. There is even a heaven map and a hell map for the fans, but they kinda don’t matter. Now, many would be thinking, ‘how in hell does that even matter for the problem at hand.’ For those guys, I would first say “Shut the fuck up. I do what I want,” and second “Wait for me to finish dumbasses." So, yeah. This kind of world that gives complete maneuverability is the best to grind one’s skills. You can go from a super noob to a super expert in matter of few months. Well, that’s if you have a high ability to adapt, but whatever. Afterwards, it only comes down to what quests to do, what player to scam, and when to kill steal (ks). Then you’re done; now you have a crazy avatar.
Well, I believe I made you wait long enough. Let the battle royale guide begin.
First off, if you’re battling two armies and a huge beast, wait until the beast’s hp is at 15% to start. If it’s a normal three way fight with all armies, wait until one army has 15% total hp.
Next, target the weakest army, never the best. When you target the weakest enemy, the other army will think of this as an opportunity to kill them in one fell swoop. Of course, they won’t put their guard up against you and that’s when they became dumb. Backstab them and kill as many as you can. The weakest army will be confused for a second, but they’ll remember that you killed some of them and they will try to kill you. If they don’t, then that’s for the best, but it’s unlikely. Now that they are both trying to kill you, start buying as much time as you can before fleeing. The stronger army will definitely backstab the weakest and kill them in one fell swoop, but they will find a nice surprise afterward.
Third, the general of the stronger army will notice, after the initial celebration, that his army isn’t as strong as it used to be. While he was fighting against you and the other army, the beast wasn’t just standing there dumbstruck; it killed as much as it could in its berserk mode. The angry general curses both you and fate for his stupid mistake, but even if he didn’t focus on you, the result would have been the same. After the general notices his mistake, he will try to hurry and finish off the beast who has 8% hp left now, so that when you try to ambush him, he will still have enough men. As the beast’s hp reaches 3% you should start ambushing the army. At this point, they should be 70-80 man strong. You start killing a path from the beast to the general. Of course, the old fox will know what you’re trying to do and he will change the formation accordingly, but by doing so he will switch from an offensive formation to a defensive one, a stupid move when you’re against an overpowering enemy with 30-40 men. At this point, the beast will probably go insane and use an aoe ultimate skill. You, predicting this outcome, will get the hell out the moment you notice a change in pattern. After the aoe the army is no more and you can go kill the beast that’s stuck doing an aoe skill with only 1-2% hp left.
End of the guide.
Ah, now that I think about it, I should really have written some kind of guide. I would have definitely struck it rich, but whatever, I’ll do that in the next update. Speaking about the next update, maybe I should go buy a new PC; this one is probably not gonna cut it with the massiveness of the next patch.
“Eh, Miyuki, I’ll be going for a stroll.”
“Ah, okay, Oni-chan.”
“Stupid jokes will always be stupid jokes. Whatever I’m going now. I hope I won’t meet truck-chan on the way.”
I definitely should not have said that. Just as I went out of the house, a random idiotic robber bumped into me. With noises and cries in the background, I thought, as the image of a truck got closer, ‘What a cliché and rushed way of dying. Come on god, you’re better than this right. Oh wells, to those other noobs in the back... it might be a cool one... NO WHAT THE HELL, THIS IS TOO RUSHED FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!! PLEASE AT LEAST DESCRIBE MY LAST MOMENTS PROPERLY AUTHOOOOORRRRRR!!!!!’
And as darkness engulfed me bit by bit, a warm sensation surged from my core. They say death’s hands are cold, but the hands I’m feeling now are definitely not.
“Welcome to my domain, billions of earthlings. I am god. And I’m here to offer you a chance.”
Damn you f**ker, couldn’t you have waited for me to finish my supposed last words.