The daylight broke through across his face reflecting off the white envelope that settled where her head had been.
It was looming and terrible for such a tiny thin strip of what was once a mighty tree.
He sat up slowly never looking away from the envelope as he picked it up, part of him wanting to leave it there and go after her. The other more dominant part knew that he had to open it and see what had made her run away.
He scanned over the letter before getting up without a word, thankful for once that he had a fireplace in his apartment as he crouched down and began to tender it.
He didn’t bother with getting dressed...not yet anyway. No amount of clothes could warm him now anyway, not when she had taken his warmth with her.
The edges of the paper began to curl as the flames licked them slowly, like he had run his tongue across her body so many times; tracing the flat rippling planes of silken skin and muscle beneath, trembling beneath his touch in anticipation.
The whisper of his name a pleading moan on her damnable lips that begged to be kissed till they bruised and yielded to his own.
Her words burned into his mind as he watched them turn to ash in the fire before him, the words that had made her run, the words he had told her long ago on her answering machine.
"The only thing I’m worrying about is you worrying about me.”
That’s what you said, and it was so profound, when you turned around and went back to your routine... Every time you walk away from someone, there will be someone reaching after you, longing, but they won’t say anything; only because you have taken their voice with you, there’s simply just not enough of them left to push them to follow you.
We weren’t at that bookstore to find something in common, but I’m glad we did.
I thought you should know I really do want to see you again. It’s just, for those couple of hours we had, I think you worried that all I saw was all there is to see.
You looked beyond the mask I showed the world and found your way into the particles that make up my being; you wove yourself into a constellation in the star dust that makes my soul so deep I can never remove you.
You took a piece of myself and replaced it with one of the jagged edges of yourself, fitting as perfectly as the hard wedge of our bodies when we make love.
I thought for a while that this was nice, this was something that could possibly turn into a type of forever.
The look in your eyes when I spoke those words however made me remember who we are, we ignored those silent emotions for a reason and I brought them into the light.
You hissed then silently even when you didn’t say it, but the way you held onto me so tightly when you thought I was asleep... It left me breathless and aching in such a way that I thought I would cry.
I watched you after you finally fell asleep, moving out of your grip was harder than anything I had ever done before.
Even when I sat so close to you I felt suddenly cold without your arms, the press of your sleeping body against my own curled in a warmth that is unlike anything else I have ever felt. I watched the stress of life leave your face as shadows of cars passed over us, it seems like they always have somewhere to go doesn’t it?
I felt a lump in my throat thinking of the love that was in your arms, the strength you used to keep me close to you physically working out the emotional connections in your own sleepy mind.
I knew then that I loved you, I knew it the first time we made love in that field with an honesty I never knew before you; it was so profound the tenderness you showered upon my skin.
I never felt such a soul wrenching orgasm till I coupled with you.
But the physical aspects don’t just rock my world, it is everything; your silent philosophy on happiness and life, the aspects of life that no one else thinks about, the silent nights in contemplation smoking a joint passed between lovers lost in their own world.
Do you remember when you first met me at that bookstore? When you bought me coffee afterward and asked about my book just because you saw the title and was trying to impress me?
The one you knew nothing about and didn’t give a crap of finding out, but you did later on. I saw it, the way you would listen to me as I read by your side in bed, the sheet falling across my lap carelessly; I wonder then if you thought “could I love this woman?” or if you were just impatient for the next round.
But the most profound thing about that meeting was how everything you said was like velvet: the way your eyes ran across my skin made it tingle.
You couldn’t see it but I knew you could feel it, could almost taste it on the air and imagine it was your hand sliding down my arm, your lips pressing against my neck.
I thought then, “god, where did this man come from?” as you took my hand as if you had a right, and brushed your thumb over mine.
We have found something that no one else ever will, we have found the in-between stages of falling in love.
Of taking the expectation of one night and discovering slivers of raw, real, terrible, passionate, of being scared and excited and emotions beyond what anyone on this earth will ever truly experience.
We challenged ourselves to balance on the edge of insanity, the epiphany of the very fabric of time.
I never thought that we would get so lost in the exhilaration of one another, that we would fall off of that edge into something more than either of us.
We found falling in love and now being in love, then losing love in such a way that was never Spoken before with words. When you walk away from someone you take something from them that makes it impossible to chase them in that moment, that is why you’re still standing in your suddenly cold apartment reading this exceptionally and apologetically long goodbye.
When you get movement in your body again and can feel something other than numb I hope that you pursue me.
I told you once that I was worried that all you saw was all there is to see, you told me that, “I’m sure it’s not, and if it’s not, I’ll take you out one more time, and we’ll see how it goes.” Our love is something beyond one night of passion, I’m sure it’s not and if it’s not then find me.
It’s terrifying thinking of giving something we don’t have, I saw it in your eyes after I told you I loved you; that fear glittering in the dim light of your apartment and I thought, “dear god what have I done?”
One of us had to make the first move, I knew if I didn’t run then that I never would.
Sometimes the motivation we need is found in chasing something, I hope that this is motivation enough to fight for this thing we have, whether it is really love or obsession.
Alice didn’t ask what could be down the rabbit hole before she fell, I hope you take the same plunge out that door and into the night chasing your white rabbit, once you dive down that hole there is no going back... I hope you choose to chase your white rabbit and see happens next.
I was never good at writing letters, so for now I will finally end this with goodbye; for now.
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