The Arcane Order

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I Get Punked by a Talking Tortoise

I woke dazed, with a slight pain in my back. Before I could take in my surroundings, the ground beneath me shook, and I fell back onto my back. It took me a minute to figure out that I was not, in fact, on the ground, because whatever was beneath me was moving. This time, I rose with caution, noticing large bumps on the surface beneath me.

Thump thump thump...

I tried scooting forward.

"Stay still up there, will ya?” A deep voice said.

“I’m sorry, who or what are you?” I protested.

“I’m the one that has to carry your heavy butt across the continent, the North Atlantic, and half of Africa, on my back, as if I don’t have enough to carry already...” The voice trailed off, probably upset about its misfortune.

“I’m sorry, did you say Africa? I live in California!” I don’t know about you, but road trips are not my thing. When I was five, My mom and I went on a road trip to Tennessee and back, in our trashy camper van. As bad as that was, traveling half way across the world on a giant rock didn’t sound any better.

“What are you, Where are you from, and why are you taking me to Africa?”

"First of all, I’m from Africa. I’m a Centrochelys Sulcata, or some people might call me an Africa Spurred tortoise. You may call me Bob.”

“So you’re telling me that I’m talking to a tortoise, who kidnapped me from my home, and is taking me to Africa? It’s gonna take a lot more convincing than that.”

“Take a look upfront, kid.”

I scooted forward (without falling this time) and looked down. Sure enough, I was looking at the head of a gigantic, talking, Sulcata Tortoise. I fell backwards and reverted back to the comfort of my own eyelids. Don’t blame me, because if you were in a situation like this, you would have passed out too!


I slowly woke, once again. Only seconds passed before Bob began talking.

“Hey kid, wanna go for a ride, or are you gonna pass out like an old lady again?”

“I never wanted to ‘go for a ride’ In the first place! You kidnapped me, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah, quit your yammerin’.”

“You know, for calling someone an old lady, you sound like an old man yourself.”

“Kid, it’s not nice to make fun of someones age.”

“It’s not nice to kidnap people!”

“Fine, I guess you deserve to know. I’m four-hundred and fifty-three years old. You can’t tell me nothin’. So shut up. Anyway, we better hurry. Hold on to somethin’!”

“Hold on to something? Hold on to what!” For a
four-hundred and fifty-three year old tortoise, the guy wasn’t very bright.

“I dunno, figure it out!” He shouted back, like ‘Do I have to do everything around here?’

I lied on my belly and wrapped my arms around Bob. I don’t exactly know why I listened to a child abducting tortoise, but I didn’t see very many options, because within seconds, we went from at least half a mile per hour, to about three-hundred. It shouldn’t have been possible, but neither should a talking tortoise! I passed out once again.


“Kid, you did it again!”

This time when I woke, my back was soaked with water.

“Wha-” I started, “how long was I out? are we already in the Atlantic? This can’t be happening! I have to go home!” That didn’t quite seem like an option. We were surrounded by water for miles.

“Yeah, good luck kid. Like swimmin’ much?”

This didn’t make any sense. It had been only this morning when I’d been home, safe and sound, with my dog, and my nachos! Now that I think about it, I didn’t even get to the nachos! I finally began to take it all in. I couldn’t take it anymore. I let it all out.

“WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?” I demanded, “TELL ME NOW!”

“Cut it out up there, you’re gonna scare away the fish! Don’t you Americans like food?”

“You can’t take me from my home, across the country, miles into the ocean, and tell me to keep my mouth shut! GIVE ME ANSWERS NOW!” I got onto my knees, and started yelling at the sky. Eventually I started pounding on Bobs shell, when all of the sudden we stopped.

“WHY ARE WE STOP-” The question didn’t really make any sense in my head, but when I looked up, I found my answer: twenty feet in front of us stood (floated?) a gigantic, no, enormous, Blue Whale. I wanted to start screaming like a little girl, but this tiny voice in the back of my head told me that may not be the best idea. I silently agreed with it.

“Alright, alright, calm down. I’ll take care of this.”

“It’s a Blue Whale, You can’t just ‘Take care of it’!”

“Kid, I’ve been back and forth across this water more times than you’ve been across the floor that’s between your bed and the bathroom. You think I can’t deal with a little whale?”

He just said ‘little’. Although I didn’t want to die, I did want to see Bob get jumped by a whale. I sat silently and watched.

First of all, any WWE fighting scene, UFC battle, football game, fist fight, anything you’ve ever watched, looked like a slap fight compared to this. The first thing Bob did, was tuck in his head, and swim full speed toward this whale. Remember how fast we went on land? We went at least half as fast in water, but from far away, it would have looked like a monster truck crashing into a brick wall. Last second, Bob tucked in his head, which would then be protected once he tucked in his arms. We crashed into the whale like a torpedo, and the whale sunk, it’s surface still visible above the water. The next thing he did nearly blew my mind. He swam above the whale, and sat on it. The whale tried to rise out of the water, but could barely even move. Bob scooted onto the whales blow hole. After about 2 minutes, the whale started changing color, from dark blue, to a darker purple. I thought the whale would explode, until Bob moved last second.

“I may be strong and awesome, but I don’t wanna see no whale blow up.”

The whale released so much water that it began to sink. After that, it wisely decided not to come back.

“WOOP WOOP! We did it!”

“Ya mean I did it? You just sat there, probably thinking about popcorn”

“Nachos.” I corrected, “By the way, how long was I out?”

“Not as long as that whale will be. About five and a half minutes. Ya fell off my back and I had to come pick you back up. Lazy sack of bones! Kid, once we get back on land, you oughta work those legs something fierce.”

“I have a name, you know.”

“No, I don’t know. I’m assuming you’re gonna tell me?”

“Zane,” I told him, “You can call me Zane.”

“Boy, I’m four-hundred and a half years old. I can call you whatever I want.”

“With great age comes an even greater ego.”

“Shut up.”

“Ok...”

It looked like we were nearing land. A great big wall of stone was about half a mile in front of our path.

“So you never told me,” I started, “Why exactly are you bringing me half way across the world?”

“That’s for me to know, and for you to find out. You’ve lost enough brain cells already, eh?”

“You have a point.” Maybe fighting a whale on the back of a tortoise had calmed me down. Maybe I’ve released so much energy yelling at the sky. Whatever it was, I was ready to rest my head on a scute, and fall asleep.
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