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High School Wars

By Kevin Price All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Action


Prepare to embark on an adventure like no other as Amanda Valentine becomes embroiled in a high-school war being waged between the four classes. Battles, plot twists and countless movie references and spoofs await you in this bad-mouthed battle for supremacy! PREPARE FOR WAR!

Prologue: A Long Ass Introduction


My name is Russell Crowe and I am a New Zealand actor who is not related to this story what-so-ever. However, I DO have an undeniably sexy narrator voice so that gives me the right to tell you of this tale of struggle, war, suffering and socially awkward interactions. 

In the small, pathetic little town of Trenton, a great war was being waged; not for resources, but for bragging rights, total control of the local high school, dominance of the entire town and, apparently, for Dick the Hobo's unclaimed bet money from last year's Super Bowl which is now up to eight-hundred dollars in cash. This war was fought for generations... Okay, it was only being fought for two months at this point but whatever. The point is, is that this war was being fought for a relatively lengthy amount of time and four battle-hardened factions were in a stalemate.

The Freshmen, a bunch of unfortunate souls who were at the mercy of the Seniors during the first month of the school year, were still at the mercy of their Senior oppressors who outgunned them early on in the conflict. Their numbers were strong, but their actual strength was comparable to the strength of the Cleveland Browns' offensive line (no matter what excuse you try to use to defend them, they still suck. Just saying). Where they lacked in physical strength and maturity, they made up for with courage and leadership. Self-declared Freshman president and Call of Duty fanboy Michael Turner lead the Freshman class with determination and stead-fastness. Without him, they would've easily been conquered by the Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors before the war even started.

Compared to the Freshmen, the Sophomores appeared weak in manpower. That was true, considering the fact that their constant bickering over the next rare Pokemon they saw in Pokemon Go distanced themselves from fresh, new recruits. Despite their insanely impressive ability to turn people off, they've been able to make up for it by being the most intelligent faction in the war. These nimble nerds were able to use make-shift tanks, armor and artillery in the notorious Battle of Cedar Street, where the Seniors were't able to hold off the onslaught of improvised armor. What made it even more effective was their smart-as-fuck leader, Sophomore President Atsumi Nakamura. Her technological know-how went beyond iPhones, Xbox Ones and controversial Reddit blogs about upcoming Oculus Rift capabilities. It is said that she personally outfitted her armada of tanks with home-made heatseeking BB rockets using toy drones, paper mache rockets, BB pellets, sparklers and microchips. She was  technically a mini-Asian-MacGyver. Those who underestimated her felt the wrath of a trash-talking Pokemon nerd with an addiction to Smarties and Pop-Tarts.

While the Sophomores excelled in technology, the Juniors focused their strength on guerrilla and intelligence warfare. In open engagements, they were FUBAR; in places of concealment, whether in the shadows, among crowds or from afar, they dominated the battleground. Mastering the art of Twitter and Facebook warfare, the Juniors managed to create a mighty propaganda and intelligence machine that seemed to know everything about their adversaries. For example, they knew Atsumi Nakamura's Inkitt account and passwords, which resulted in the many publications of gay Twilight fan-fiction. Literally, GAY Twilight fan-fiction. Anyways, they knew how to utilize the internet as a deadly, image-killing weapon that leaned the advantage to their faction. Their Twitter addicted leader, Junior President Alexander Coffee, personally oversaw their intelligence-gathering operations and tactically chose which poor bastard to humiliate next with embarrassing photos gathered from stakeout missions or revealing Facebook posts about politics or entertainment media. Combat may not have been in the blood of the Juniors, but they still could fight... just not in the physical sense, even though some of them have demonstrated a willingness to bludgeoned one's face with their GameStop-branded gamer gear.

Finally, the most feared faction of them all: the Seniors. These brutal monsters overwhelmed their foes with physical and verbal violence. Their vocabulary was so violent, that even most University institutions would've considered them threats to PC society. The weapons they yielded were crude but effective. Dozens of brave Freshmen, Sophomores and Juniors fell unconscious to the might of Senior armaments and strategy. Their imperialistic rule over their conquered territories complimented the very strength they exuded during the conflict. Comparable to the many stereotypical Nazi Germany-inspired empires in pop culture, the Seniors practiced on the weaklings they ruled over. Their Senior Class President, Madam Emperor Simone Keller, exercised complete control over her armies, her generals and her subjects. Those who resisted her met the end of her favorite personal weapon, the Ass-Smacker (a wooden Katana sword) which whooped countless asses; thirty-five to be exact... mostly Freshmen. With a ruthless ruler and an army of Seniors that were just as violent as Jerry Springer guest participants, the Seniors were thought to be unstoppable; borderline overpowered as fuck.

These four factions, as a I said earlier before this MASSIVE, totally unnecessary info-dump, were in a stalemate. Unable to break it, they waited... and waited... and waited some more until they thought the time was right. All was quiet along the North, South, East and Western fronts of Trenton... until, one day, two massive moving trucks showed up and a mini-van drove into town.

The Great High-School War was about to change...

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