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Chapter 20

I shrank back from Kayden like he was a poisonous snake, did he betray me too? My heart felt like it had been shot to pieces- first Tristan and now Kayden?! I could have sworn I could trust him but now…

"Deirdre, please listen! Its not like that-" Kayden stammered.

"Did you lie to me?" I shrieked.

"Yes." He whispered, I just stared- I had wanted to know the truth but now I wished he had lied.

"I did lie," He continued, "But not about the way I felt for you, or what I told you about Tristan. I lied by making you believe I was on his side- I've been spying on him, watching his every movement then you came along and things changed. I tried to get you to run away because I knew he would just use you and leave you but I NEVER suspected something like this- I swear Deirdre, I had no idea what he planned to do and I came as soon as I could to help you…I just wish I had gotten there sooner. Deirdre, please! Please forgive me!" He cried and took my hand.

"Don't touch me!" I said and weakly pulled my hand from his. I looked down at the sheets trying to figure out what I was feeling. Angry because he had lied to me, relieved that he didn't betray me like I thought, sad because I thought he had been honest with, and suspicious because I wasn't sure if I really believed him.

"Deirdre!" He said, his voice entreating me to look up at him, "Deirdre I love you!" He whispered, "Please, please forgive me!" I looked away.

"I don't know if I believe you." I whispered. Kayden slumped down and it was like I could actually see his heart breaking or something.

"I see." He mumbled and stood up, "Well, if that's the way you feel I guess you would feel happier if I left." I opened my mouth to protest but I didn't say a word- I wasn't sure if I wanted him to leave or stay.

"Here's some money," He said taking out a large purse, "It should be more than enough to get you where ever you want to go, I'll leave the carriage too." He looked away and I could see the tears glimmering in his eyes. A part of me, a huge part wanted to open up my arms to him and tell him everything was alright and of course I would forgive him- but the other smaller part kept telling me that ideas like that were what got me in this situation in the first place.

"I'll leave you, I'm sorry I lied. I won't bother you again." He continued and started to walk to the door.

"Kayden!" I said quickly, I love you! My mind screamed, but I just reached into my small bag which was on the night stand behind me and pulled out Love's Labors Lost, the Address Book.

"Here, take this- I know it means a lot to you. It means nothing to me now- I don't even know what it really is…" He paused then walked back and took it. He just stared at it for a moment then looked at me, bewildered.

"How?" Was all he could stammer. I couldn't help but smile,

"I saw it when Tristan was talking to Gustuov…" I said trying to keep my mind from dwelling on Tristan.

"Deirdre, you have no idea how many people you've saved!" He whispered in amazement. "I know you thought this was a list of traitors but really it's a list of all the king's spies and their real names, mine included. Tristan was going to assassinate them all. Thank you."

"Well I guess we're even then," I said, trying to keep my voice calm. "You saved my life and I saved yours." He nodded and stood there for a few minutes, silent. I watched him, inwardly struggling- should I ask him to stay or let him leave?

"I need to leave." He said suddenly and stormed out. I just stared after him in confusion, still not know if I wanted him to leave or not. I laid back down and stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep.

When I woke I looked around expectantly for Kayden, but of course, he was gone. I sighed and stuggled to sit up, I was feeling a tad bit better but I was still unbelievably weak. I was just wondering where I could get some food when a middle aged women entered carrying a tray of food.

"Morning deary!" She said cheerfully, and set the tray down next to the bed.

"My name is Merriam, its about time I got to meet you! Your husband wouldn't let anyone but himself near you for this last week!" She exclaimed.

"My husband?" I asked cautiously.

"Yes, of course- the tall, dark gentleman!" She said with a smile.

"Oh yes of course," I murmered, wondering why Kayden had said he was my husband, sister or cousin could have worked just as well…

"I was surprised when he said he had to leave but then again its not like he could sit here and neglect everything…" She went on and on but it didn't bother me, her happy voice and constant chatter kept my mind off the fact that Kayden was gone and now I was all alone in the world. I kept trying to deny the fact that all I really wanted was to have him back, I just pushed those feelings of longing away and tried to focus on what I would do next. And I just kept repeating, 'I'm strong I don't need him and I don't want him because he betrayed me just like Tristan.' But I didn't really convince myself.

As I recovered I plotted my next move, I had two major goals and close to a million ways to accomplish them- goal number one, the one I encouraged myself to think about was getting revenge on Tristan. I spent hours going over everything I knew about him in my head so I could figure out where he would go next and how I could best kill him. And the second goal…well that was something I only dreamed of- finding Kayden and yes there were nights when I was half asleep that my self control broke down and all I could do was think of him and how I could get him back. But as soon as the sun would rise I would put away those foolish, childish ideas- besides what made me think that Kayden would still want me now.

After another week I was walking around and feeling almost back to my real self, I had lost some muscle but nothing that I wouldn't be able to get back after a few weeks of exercising so I wasn't too worried. All I wanted at the moment was to get away on my own because Merriam was sweet but she was driving me crazy with her never ending chatter and constant happiness- it was so annoying to me because I felt miserable.

I started making plans to go rent a small room and see if I could find some clues to where Tristan was because I would find him and end him. There was no negotiating that, I didn't care if it was wrong or right I just wanted him to die and that consumed most of my thoughts. Besides that would give me something to do so I wouldn't have any spare time to think about Kayden because I knew it wouldn't take more then a small nudge in the right direction to send me scampering off to find him and beg him to stay with me.

I left Merriam's early in the morning right after breakfast, with the few possessions I had, I got into the carriage Kayden had left and went in search of a room. It didn't take long to find out and as soon as I got settled in I went to the nearest dress shop- some of my clothes were in a chest in the carriage and I didn't have much, I would need to build a full wardrobe if I was going to need to disguise myself and go searching for Tristan. After that I put on one of the simplest dresses I had and took the carriage to a street near by the house we had rented while in town, and then walked the rest of the way.

I stopped and stared as I got closer, there was still the usual crowd of men outside. I sighed and pulled my hood farther over my face, I doubted they would really recognize me because I had put on a wig and did my makeup so it made my face appear thinner and more angular.

"What is going on?" I asked one of the men as I walked up to him.

"We haven't seen her for weeks," He murmered, not looking at me. I looked down, this was horrible- he sounded as if someone he had know had died.

"Who?" I asked, trying to mask my pity.

"Deirdre." Said one of the other man in a tone of awe, some of the others nodded.

"She's the most radiant woman on earth!" Said the first man I talked to.

"Oh…have you seen any of the men who live here?" I asked trying to sound casual.

"Well, the darker one was here two days ago and-" He started.

"Two days ago!" I exclaimed, "Do you have any idea where he went?" I waited with baited breath as he stroked his chin and looked up.

"Well…" He began, "He said something about having to figure out where 'it' was now on his own…..he didn't sound very happy about it." He mused, "I hope we'll see her soon- she can't stay there forever…." He continued but I had stopped listening. Where would Tristan go now? If he was still trying to find the book that means he didn't know I took it of course. He would have no way to know that unless Kayden told him, which means that whatever crimes Kayden committed he wasn't helping Tristan which was good. But where would Tristan go? Gustouv was dead…maybe he would go back to the Duke's mansion though and talk to the duke himself. But what if did already? The Duke would know the address book was gone, but then again they had no clue it was me to took it- Tristan might even think I was dead.

I shook my head as I walked back to my carriage, I guess I would have to pay the Duke a visit. That was the only way I could think of to get some information from there- if Tristan thought I was dead it would be easier to me. As soon as I got to my room I wrote down what the man had told me and started making plans to sneak into the mansion. And tried not to allow myself to wonder why Kayden had been back at our house like the man said…

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