It was 12:30 and I was losing it, my mind that is. Just the thought of having to say good bye was almost too much, I didn't know how I would get through this. My head was throbbing, my breathing was shallow, and I had sharp pains in my chest and back- I thought I was dying. Now it all made sense, all those old poems about how love ripped your heart out and such. I wanted to sit still but I couldn't, I paced the room, looking out the window at the busy street every few minutes for any sign of Tristan. What if he wasn't coming? What if he had left already?
Finally I saw him coming, I suddenly was rooted to the spot. All I could do was stare at him, watching as he made his way closer, this was it. This was the beginning of the end, I let out a choked sob. I took a huge breath and tried to pull myself together, I didn't want to have him see me like this.
"Miss, there is some one here to see you." The maid said as she came in. I took another deep breath.
"Send him in." I said calmly. I just stood there waiting. I could do this…
"Hello Deirdre!" He smiled as he came in. I smiled back and was surprised I could.
"Hello Tristan, how are you doing?"
"How about you?"
"I'm doing good, but I'm really going to miss-"
"Shhh," He put his hand up to my mouth, "Let's not talk about that."
"Okay," I smiled, wondering how I hadn't broken down yet, "So did you enjoy the party last night?"
"Oh course not!" He laughed, "Did you?"
"I never do..." I laughed too, I wondered if he could see the pain in my eyes...
"Could have fooled me!"
"Well, that is what I'm best at!"
"Hey! What's that about?" I pretended to get angry.
"Beautiful women always like to fool around with people's hearts."
"Well, I don't!" This time I was genuinely angry.
"Deirdre, I know! I was kidding!" He moved closer to me and took my hands in his.
"I'm sorry," I looked down.
"No, It was my fault. Will you forgive me?"
"Hmmm," I looked at him with a smirk, "I guess I will this one time."
"Oh thank you!" He bowed, "You are too kind!" I laughed.
"So how was your day?"
"Um, good I guess."
"Well that's good."
"Yeah...so do you know if you're leaving today?"
"I'm still not sure, I'm still waiting for the man who's supposed to escort me."
"Oh." It was silent for a few minutes then we started talking about the party the night before, making fun of how shallow everyone was. Then I told him how I went to Vermillion Street after we had talked, but I left out the part with Mary; it was weird, he wasn't mad that I had gone alone. That really surprised me and told me that something was wrong; something was different- was it because he didn't want to leave me? Did he love me? Probably not...
Before I knew it two hours had passed and he needed to leave, I could feel my chest getting tight again and my breathing became shallow but I tried my best to hide it from him.
"Well I guess this is good bye." He said quietly as we both got up, I could feel the tears in the corners of my eyes. I mentally forced them back, I didn't want him to see me cry.
"Deirdre," He took my face in his hands and stared into my eyes.
"Don't say a thing," He whispered, "Or then I'll never be able to leave." He said half serious, half joking, I tried to smile.
"Come back soon," I whispered, "I don't know what I'm going to do without you to talk to!"
"Don't worry, you'll be fine." He let go of my face and took a step back.
"Hopefully, if I don't kill myself out of pure boredom!" I said with a smile.
"So dramatic!" He laughed and took my hand, I looked up into his eyes, wondering what would happen next- a kiss maybe? I thought hopefully.
"I'm really going to miss you!" He whispered into my ear as he pulled me into a tight hug, I wrapped my arm around his neck. We must have stood that way for a few minutes but when he pulled away I still felt like it wasn't long enough.
"Good bye, Deirdre." Those three works almost broke me, he was really leaving. This wasn't some joke or game, he would be gone by tomorrow!
"Good bye, Tristan." That was all I could manage, he smiled and walked out. I sighed and sat down, looking at the note I had in my hand. I crumbled the note I had written for him in my hand, than tore it into little pieces. I was so angry with myself for not having the courage to give it to him, what if I never saw him again?
I was about to turn and run to my room when one of the maids came in to tell me it was time to eat. I sighed and headed downstairs, wondering how I would make it through the day without breaking down.
As the afternoon turned to evening I became more and more numb, it was scary; it was like my mind was shutting down because it was being overloaded by all my emotions, it was horrible. My own mind was deserting me, leaving me alone. When it was finally time to go to bed I undress and fell into bed but I couldn't cry, I was too upset to cry. Breathing seemed to take all my attention, in my mind I cursed love over and over again- why was it doing this to me? I was so angry, and sad I couldn't really process what was going on, it was hard to pinpoint exactly how I felt. But I knew one thing for sure, it wasn't a good feeling.
I closed my eyes and his face was all I saw, that was when the dam broke. I cried and cried until my pillow was soaked and I felt too tired to move. Then I fell asleep, finally getting some peace.