I Want To Break Free
"Look at her, She's the description someone you wouldn't want to mess with"
"When I joined, I used to feel pity for her but now pfft She didn't deserve it"
"She looks so cool but is so petrifying at times"
"Man, I don't want anything to do with a killer"
That is what I'm bound to hear when I walk across these High school halls. Everywhere there is always someone- No, Everyone talks like this about me. All I did was set foot into this High school and I remember nothing except I might've sauntered infront of the school's most popular.
Suddenly the next day I'm known as Blood-Curdling? I did absolutely nothing except walk. I don't know where the term Killer came from mostly everybody refers to me as Killer.. As far as I know I did not kill someone. It's awful, everyday I walk into the halls and hear the at least one of these,
"She's a killer, don't talk to her"
It gets annoying at times. I don't remember much, People who talk about me, are how I learn what I did yesterday. I used to have a friend, last year she moved away, we keep in contact over phone though. Her name is Lesley.
She is an absolute support for me. I was upset when I found out she's leaving but, I grew used to it. Keeping contact on the phone is okay for me, I'm not against it. This High school is what I'm against. I can't really- well I don't have a choice either way.
I can't change High schools because that would make me look weak and pathetic. And well I probably won't have money to change High school and people would still know my address.
Now here's where I'm truly stuck in life.
I don't remember, at least I try to. I try day and night to remember what I did yesterday. Nothing. Blank mind and memory. I have no clue every next day, what I did, What I studied, Who I met and etc.
I remember Lesley because she is someone who I truly appreciate, there were times where I forgot about her but I soon remember because of my journal.
It's scary, imagine waking up one day and forgetting everyone, your parents, friends, school, college, age. What terrifies me the most is that one day I'm going to get married- If I remember my lover, then the next day I'm going to forget everything.
I remember main things like,High school, house, name and personality. But what I don't know is what I did on the past day, what I committed, what I learnt. These things scare me and haunt me for as long as I remember.
What if's will also never leave me alone, What if I never find someone to marry, what if I forget Lesley and these were just a few of the what if's my mind is full of. I want to- I will know why people call me a killer.
I want to know why I'm called scary. Fights? Murder? what did I do? I don't even have a friend who will remind me of everything I did yesterday. When Lesley was here she would tell me all about what I did, what I learnt and what I told.
What am I meant to do if I just end up forgetting everything? I want- need help. Someone who will tell me everything all over like Lesley.
The reality is what always hits hard, I have no one, I lost them due to my poor memory. I won't remember them no matter how hard I try. I won't remember my past.
My name is Valentine Williams, I'm 18 years old and I study in a publicly funded institution on the north side of Indianapolis called White River High School. I'm going to graduate by end of this year.
I'm stuck in my own mind. I want to let go of the reality but I can't. Everyday I wake up, sweating and scared of the same exact dream of losing touch with the world and slowly fading, being forgotten by everyone who knew me.
I tremble every time I think about that dream. The chains that hold me in the world of overthinking are too strong for me to break. I overthink anything and everything. These chains hold my mind in a dark room where I am stuck and unable to move freely.
It haunts me, when those voices in my head speak continuously that I can't have a moment where they are quiet.
Me being forgotten is only fair because I end up forgetting everyone in my life, I mean I forgot my parents. These chains are the only thing I want to break. It's a fear that is slowly eating me alive.
This internal battle I have is too long, I'm starting to lose- I'm starting to give up. I never thought I would give up but here I am, losing will power. It's crazy that I survived 18 years inside this battling body. I don't think I can even survive one more year in this war.
I don't want to give up either. I want to survive another day of my life. I want to grow older and live life.
Even though I don't have people, I have a life. A life to live, A lie to fulfill. The lie is the lie of my happiness. The lie that I am completely fine and I don't need others with me. The lie that I am independent while I am dependent.
The will power I'm slowly losing is turning into the power to give up. It's too strong. The desire for me to take a knife and kill myself is too much. The blood lust I have for my own blood is too strong.
I need someone, I want someone to tell me it's going to be alright.
It's impossible, I'm going to end up forgetting that person one way or another. This life I wanted to live is turning into dust. It's like all the matters in my life are turning their backs on me.
I forget everything.
I want to be saved. I want to live my life. I want to be strong. I want more will power. I want to love. I want a life
I Want To Break Free
But will that ever happen?
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