It is June, two thousand and fifteen.
As I mentioned, my life began in M-I-Six sixteen months ago in the summer of June of two thousand and fifteen when I was invited to my university friend’s engagement party, who I shared a flat with at university with three other girls. She sent me an invitation via the post as well as a text telling me she was going to send me an invite. I already knew she was engaged when I saw her social media account when she showed off the ring with a message attached. I was really happy for her as she was the last person out of my four friends to get married.
Finding out that Anthea was now getting married made me feel sad for myself as I am still single with no one remotely interested in me. I have a lot of interest in different men but they are not reciprocating unless I offer myself to sex which I am not interested in. I have over the years gone out on various dates in college, university and during my career but I would only get to a third date and then I would not hear from them. There was no negative conversation which suggested that they were interested in me and vice versa. I would kiss them on the second and third date, making them notice I am interested in them but no fourth date or relationship.
I am looking in the right place, so I am ignoring the android app that solely goes by your appearance and nothing else, ending up in one-night stands and if you are lucky a, sexual transmitted infection to finish the night off. I have put a normal photo up on my profile that is like a passport photo and so not giving an impression of an easy girl. I spent a few hours preparing my profile making it clear that I am looking for a meaningful relationship and no sexual partner. I do get a few hits each month and so go dating at least once a month but each guy that I meet reciprocates the right things as me but we never move on.
The engagement party was on a Saturday evening and so I spent the morning tidying up my flat which took all of twenty minutes, then washed all my clothes and underwear used for the week. Once I finished getting all my chores done, I thought I would go to Westfield to look for a new dress to wear for tonight. Luckily I was only a one train stop away from Westfield as I lived a stone’s throw away from Homerton Overground.
I had spent the late morning and early afternoon window shopping in the medium to fairly high-end shops trying on various dresses that suited my size. The dresses were for curvy shapes which is what my frame is. I found the dresses made me look like a child and not like a woman. It is one of the things I hate about my height because I cannot come across as a mature woman. This always happens to me when I go shopping. Each time, I feel deflated, thinking that this will be the day that I will find that right dress.
I tried two or three dresses in ten shops going back and forth making comparisons in my head. In the end I went to the first shop where I liked the dress that was the second dress I tried on. The dress was a tailored fit dress with the skirt length to just above my knees and the top had a V-neck shape in a black shiny material. I was lucky as the dress I had found was in the sale. It was a bargain reduced from a hundred and fifty pounds to seventy pounds. I also went to a gift shop to buy an engagement present, killing two birds with one stone. It being an engagement present, I brought Anthea and her fiancé Stephen a wedding guest book. I prefer to buy practical presents rather than something that a person may or may not use. The guest book was white with a cushion effect cover saying ‘The Newly Weds’. I thought it was touching. I did not have to get any wrapping paper as I had still some left over from before.
After I get home, I notice the time has gone four o’clock. I start working backwards from when I have to be there to when I will have to leave by, giving me a window of how much time I have to myself to relax and then get ready. As I struggle to open the door to my flat while carrying my two shopping bags, I notice my neighbour coming to his door from going out. His name is also Steve but I do not know if it is spelled the same. I feel he is looking over at me but I just pretend that I do not notice him. I finally open the door and when I turn round to notice him, he had already gone inside his flat.
I check on my app for the underground and put in Homerton Overground to London Bridge tube station that is the closest tube station to the venue. The app tells me that the journey will take thirty-six minutes, only having to change once at Stratford to join the Jubilee line. I did not have to be there until seven o’clock and so allowing for walking time, I check on a map app on my phone to see how long it will take to walk from the tube station to the venue. The map said that it would take about six minutes and about two minutes to walk to Homerton station. So gives me a total of forty-four minutes door to door. That meant that I had to leave by sixteen minutes past six o’clock. I also had to take into consideration waiting times for the trains to arrive. So I decided to allow for waiting time giving myself fifty minutes travelling time. By the time I finish sorting out my train time, it is almost four thirty, leaving an hour and forty minutes to get ready.
I decide to run a bath to allow myself to relax and put myself in the party mood. I lie inside my bubble bath, breathing in the scent from the bubble bath while leaning back against the bathtub. I almost fell asleep checking my phone on the corner of the bath behind me on my left.
Before I knew it, it was half past five and so only had fifty minutes to leave to get there on time. I leave it an extra five minutes as I am enjoying my soak.
As I am drying myself with the towel covering my front, I gather my thoughts to feel what tonight will be like. I felt that I would meet someone tonight but will end up being a friend again. I sensed that night would be a good evening. Once I had thoroughly dried my skin, I walked around naked to my bedroom to look at my dress that I had put on the bed opened out. Once I put on a pair of underwear and bra, I checked that the labels were taken off the dress before gently pulling it up my nicely cleaned body and feeling the fabric slide up my body. I had to use my mirror on my wardrobe door to help zip up the side of my dress. Once I had finally put it on, I looked in the same mirror turning around to see again how much it fitted my body. I then ignored checking the time so I would just get ready and leave. Once I had left the entrance of the building, I quickly checked my phone to see what time it was. It was just after ten past six and so I had left almost on time. I carried with me a small bag with the engagement present, and a small clutch bag holding my apartment key and bank card for tonight. I did not put on an overcoat as the weather that day was sweltering and very humid at that time of the day.
As the map app on my phone had showed, it only took me a couple of minutes to get to the gate to tap my rail card on the electronic card reader. I had heard my train leave just as I had walked under the train tracks through the tunnel, to get on the platform side of where my flat is. I can see my balcony from the platform. I had to wait fifteen minutes for my next train to arrive. The station was fairly quiet as it was seen as being early. There were more people that came off the train, walking past me as I walked up the stairs to get to the platform.
When I was on the platform waiting for the next train, I noticed a man on the other side of the tracks that day standing with his headphones in his ear with his fingers inside his front jean pockets with his thumbs out overlapping the pocket. His jeans were skinny and the length was an inch above his ankles with loafers and he had no socks on his feet. He was wearing a dark blue polo top with his light faded blue jeans. He was an Asian with European features. His hair was brushed back with short sides with his top hair gelled back with a glossy look rather than a slimy look. He was noticing that I was looking at him and so I had looked away. When I saw he was not looking, I would look back at him. When he looked my way again, I would look away again. This went on until my train arrived. When I got on the overground, I walked to the other side of the train carriage so I could look through the door window at the man. He could not see me clearly as the door window was tinted. I kept looking at the man until the train moved and I could no longer see him from a distance. That was my life.
I arrived at London Bridge tube station just before seven o’clock with the party starting at seven. I had another ten minutes roughly to walk to the venue. I had noticed that the sky was clear blue with the temperature in high twenties Celsius. The weather was like Spain or Portugal. The journey had taken about fifty minutes door to door because of waiting times between trains and walking as I predicted that day. When I arrived outside the venue, I suddenly felt nervous as I had not seen my four friends for about six months and they were married and in long-term relationships. I was still single then and I felt they were giving me sympathy looks as if I was a stray puppy without a home. I felt that they would do the same again that night.
The venue was in a restaurant in one of their private rooms hired out by Anthea and Stephen. I went to see the room before going to see the other guests. The sun was low enough to shine through the windows of the private room and give a strobe light. The table was able to seat about twenty of us and so I assumed about twenty of their close friends and family were invited to the engagement party.
I left the room and went to the rest of the guests to find Anthea and Stephen as well as my other three uni friends. I did not know the rest of Anthea friends which I assume were from school and college as well as work.
I went to the bar to look for them and I saw familiar faces straight away. I saw Sarah first and so I went up to her to say hello with her now husband Paul. It was not the first time I had met Sarah’s husband. She asked me if I was seeing anyone almost straight away before talking about what we had been up to since we last saw each other six months ago. I noticed that Sarah was also showing a slight bump and so I realised she was pregnant with her first. Nothing was mentioned at first but crept into conversation pretty quickly. After about ten minutes of talking, another one of our friends from uni, Davina came up to us with her husband Darren and the five of us were talking over each other and exchanging what we had been up to. Sarah asked if any of us had seen our other friend Evelyn. Just as Sarah asked for Evelyn, she came from amongst the rest of the guests and she had a full beam of excitement seeing us three. We had so much to talk about, that it was almost past eight o’clock and we had not spoken to Anthea yet to wish her well. I put their present on a table specific for gifts which Sarah had pointed out to me earlier.
We could hear Anthea’s voice shouting at us to go to the hired room for a sit-down meal which we worked out was for eight thirty sit down. So allowing the guests to get here in time for dinner. Sarah, Davina, Evelyn and I were still together with their collective husbands. I had been to all their weddings which explained when I last saw them. It was Sarah’s wedding about six months ago. When going back into the room, I did not notice before that the table had names on it and so the friends all coupled up were put together. I could not sit next to Sarah, Davina, Evelyn or Anthea. I started to feel down as this was another reminder that I am still single and nowhere near finding a future husband.
I allowed everyone else to sit down first so it made my life easier to know where my seat was. It took the other guests a couple of minutes to sit down. When I finally saw where I was sitting, I noticed a man sitting next to my seat and so assumed Anthea and Stephen had forgotten me. I quickly took a look at the name on the remaining seat to see if I had my name next to the man. Phew! I had a seat but I did not get put next to anyone I knew. I had a man to my right and a woman to my left. I was too shy to try to make conversation with either. I plucked up the courage to talk to the woman.
I tried to use the food menu to strike up a conversation.
The woman was not acknowledging me. So I felt neglected and by myself. I did not want to try to talk to the man as I did not have the confidence to be acknowledge. It would be more likely for the girl to talk to me. So if she does not want to talk to me, what is the likelihood of this man reciprocating? So my only option was to just sit there alone. I felt sad that I could not have any conversation. I started to feel jealous that everyone was coupled except me.
After our orders were taken and we had a twenty-minute wait, I used my mobile phone as company. I had chosen to play on my solitaire app. Five minutes into playing solitaire I heard a voice but I assumed the person was talking to someone on their right.
The person touched my forearm and I noticed it was the man to my right. I did not know if he brushed my arm by mistake and so I pretended not to notice.
The same voice said, ‘How do you know the couple?’
I look away from my mobile and look at the man, ‘Are you talking to me? So sorry, I thought you were talking to your girlfriend.’
He was quick to tell me, ‘Oh no. They are a couple. I came by myself.’
I suddenly became shy and timid instantly and do not know how to make conversation, ‘uh, um…’
He smiles at me, ‘How do you know Steve and Anthea?’
I find myself getting tongue-tied. I have never had a man chat to me before, ‘um, huh…’
He laughs at me with a smile, ‘It’s okay. If you don’t want to talk, that is fine.’
I get even more flustered as I really want to have the strength to talk to him, ‘J-J-Jane.’
He continues smiling at me. I get paranoid that there is something in my teeth or hair. I try to be discreet rubbing my teeth and flicking my hair. He is still smiling at me and so I become paranoid. I just want to leave.
He leans into me, ‘My name is Miles. It is nice to meet you Jane. What is your surname?’
I blurt out, ‘Knight.’ I take a deep breath and in a calm voice, ‘Knight. Jane Knight.’
Miles looks at me, no longer smiling, ‘Are you always nervous when you speak to a new person?’
I cannot look at him and look at the table, ‘I am not used to someone coming to talk to me.’
Miles is sweet when he says, ‘I can’t imagine why. Do you have a boyfriend?’
I still cannot look at him as I become too shy, ‘No.’
Miles says, ‘I find that hard to believe.’
My mind shrugs it off as I do not believe him. I look in his direction but past his face, ‘I guess your wife couldn’t make it.’
Miles smiles at me, making me feel that I asked a stupid question, ‘No, I am not married. I wouldn’t have come alone if I had someone.’
I look at him by accident and then quickly look away, ‘I don’t understand, why you do not have a girlfriend.’
Miles turns the question back on me, ‘I don’t understand why you are not married.’
I still think he is being nice to me, ‘Why do you say that? You can be honest with me. I won’t get upset.’
He gives me a serious look again, ‘To be honest, I am looking at this menu and I have no idea what meal to order. But I do know that you should have a boyfriend.’
He makes me look at him open-mouthed when I hear him say that. I do not know what to say to that. No one has ever said that to me before.
I clear my throat, ‘I can be very shy. I wouldn’t have a clue if someone liked me more than a friend.’
He looks at me again with a straight face, ‘Just because no one asks you out, it doesn’t mean that someone doesn’t like you.’
He makes me think about what he just said, ‘How… do you know?’
Miles is quick to respond, ‘I spoke to you.’ He just looks at me.
He makes me smile and I look right into his eyes. For a moment I get a scent of his cologne. He smells warming. I wish I could just pretend we are already going out with each other so I can kiss him. I take in his persona and take notice of what he is wearing.
He is wearing a black shirt with dark blue denim jeans and beige loafers. His slim fit blazer is grey, hanging on the back of his chair. His aftershave was strong but not offensive. He reminds me of Benedict Cumberbatch. He speaks with a soft voice, no strong accent or posh voice. His hair is parted to the side on his left. He seemed to have a mystery about him but not dark or sinister.
I felt attracted to him but not a strong attraction. I have never fallen for a man head-over-heels and I do not expect that to happen to me now.
I have always dreamed of having a boyfriend ever since I was a school girl. Dreaming about living in a relationship and doing things like going for a walk through a National Trust garden, the cinema or just hanging out in the living room watching rubbish television. I dream what it would be like to have sex. I then believe that it will never happen to me. To then knowing that, wanting to kill myself. So I do not have to feel what I am going through. That is pain and jealousy.
I look at everyone at the table in their long fulfilling relationships… and I want that. I want that so badly. Instead, I am sat here, single, and a man sat next to me who thinks I am pretty. I feel he is patronising me. I wonder if I walk out of here and into the Thames, will anyone notice I do not walk the earth anymore.
It is the only thing I want in my lonely existence. I would give up my career… just to have one kiss, one night of making love, a breath of someone. I just want someone to… not love me… because that is a tall order. Just to like me. I will take that. Then my mind comes back into the room.
Miles leans towards me while looking at his own menu, ‘I think the salmon looks nice. How about you?’
He makes me smile, ‘I thinking I will have the same. Will you have a starter and dessert?’
Miles still looks at his menu, ‘Depends on what your definition of dessert is?’
I smile even wider and feel smitten by him, ‘That depends on what your definition is.’
He laughs, ‘If it is anything like your warm personality, then… I will have it.’ He gazes into my eyes as he says it.
I go quiet and shy again, but pluck up the courage to say, ‘If my personality is like a dessert, I do think you will be disappointed.’
Miles still gazes in my eyes, ’I do not think so either.’
I gaze into his eyes as well and we just stare at each other. I don’t notice anyone around me anymore. We could be in the middle of the desert for all I care. This moment. Just this moment. I feel that I have a friend. I just don’t want this moment to end. I still struggle to try to be liked and found to be funny. I treat him like I am speaking to Anthea, hosting the party or a one of my other uni friends. That helps me to open up a little and try to show him that I am worth getting to know.
I stutter, ‘Did I tell you my name is Jane Knight.’
Miles asks, ‘Is that night as in day or Knight as in the round table?’
I laugh, ’Knight as in the movie Knight and Day.’
I make him laugh, ‘Okay. Okay. Did I tell you my name is Miles Stone?’
I smile, ‘Is that as in… a pebble or Stone as in smoking something.’
He laughs, ‘You are crazy. I like that. What is it you do for a living?’
I feeling like lying, but I am honest, ‘An accountant… and you?’
Miles looks past me, thinking about what he is going to say, ‘A… secretary to the State.’
I think of Steve, ‘You do what Stephen does.’
Miles hesitates, dragging out his confirmation,
‘Y-e-a-h. But another MP.’
I am intrigued, ‘What does that involve?’
He screws his face up, ‘Schedules and itinerary. Boring stuff. What do you do in your job?’
I find it hard to explain it in an original way without sounding boring, ‘As well as preparing accounts and completing tax returns such as personal and company, I also analyse business expenses and bank statements. Both personal and business. Only because of the constant bombardment of money laundering. Go to seminars every year. I fall asleep in them. No one notices.’
Miles is intrigued, ‘How do you do that exactly? I mean not fall asleep in the seminars, but analyse expenses and bank statements?’
I feel this is boring and do not want to talk about it but he asked, ‘Well, I check to see if the expenses are reasonable for that type of trade. So for a builder, you would expect materials to be less than fifty percent of the turnover. If it is more, then they are over-trading or the material is used for something else other than the trade.’
Miles smiles with enthusiasm, ‘So can anyone do that?’
I think hard about it, and look away, ‘No. Because you need to know what you are looking for. Anyone can say the materials are over fifty percent. But not everyone can then explain the reason behind it. That only comes with experience of past investigations and then seeing a trend in that industry. Even then, you have to want to do that. Accountants just want to get paid. They don’t care about saving a buck here and there.’
Miles feels he has found his man or should he say his woman, ‘So how long does it take to have your skills set?’
I think about it again and screw my face up while thinking about it, ‘It is solely down to the person. Not everyone works at the same pace. So for me, my brain works like an algorithm. I can just see something and then work backwards to prove it and then find it across all business in the same trade. For example, when the tax office introduced IR35. Let me explain that first. IR35 in layman terms is stopping contractors claiming business expenses after the first two years, if they have been at the same place for that length of time. I saw that a way round this was to claim the same expenses, at least food, petrol and ad hoc costs that would not have incurred if you did not do that work. Like clothes. You would record those expenses on your personal tax return. Not every accountant would think like that. But perfectly legal. Now the issue is, abusive of claiming. Another example that I picked up through conversation is the flat rate scheme for VAT. No one could understand why. I spotted that recruitment agencies were making money off this.’
Miles is now fascinated by Jane. Not only was she beautiful, but she was also intriguing. Not that Miles preferred Jane over his long-term girl friend, ‘Tell me about that. The VAT.’
I now really get into my work, ‘Well that is easy. The sales would generate 20% VAT. You would only pay over about sixty percent of that VAT collected. The agency would do it behind the contractor’s back and only pay them a tenth of the money made from it. The contractor would not even be earning over the VAT threshold of say eighty-five grand. They would only earn around thirty K in turnover, not the eighty-five. I saw that being the reason for abolishing the flat rate scheme. But on the other hand, you can still use the flat rate scheme if cost of sales, regardless if material or labour, was more than two percent of turnover. That still leaves manipulation if you have a feel for tolerance.’
Miles is intrigued in bank statements, ‘Wow that is amazing. And I thought accountancy was boring. And how do you analyse the bank accounts?’
I am on fire, ‘Well that is even more tricky. I am looking for consistency. What I mean by that is people’s habits. So one client was into gambling, so I checked for any spending that was not related to gambling, hence seeing that his life revolved around gambling and drinking. You have built up a picture of their life style. Another client’s interest was lingerie shops. My picture of that person is that they like to constantly look sexy for their boyfriend or be ready when they meet that person.’
Miles is just gazing at her forehead thinking how intelligent she is and her deep blue eyes, ‘I could talk about accounts all night. Ha ha ha.’
I look up from my thought process and smile at him, gazing into his eyes, ‘I think anyone can do my job. But it is being the best by thinking outside the box and working with the client, not seeing them as a number. I am one of those rare accountants that do that.’
Miles suddenly has one more question, ‘How do you decide if a company is over trading or, I don’t know, say trading illegally. Buying materials, but not being used for the business?’
I again have to think of an example or make a scenario
up, ‘You need to look at the bigger picture. There can be two, three or four combinations. I found from my studies, again algorithm.’
Miles pushes her, ‘Go on.’
I take a mouthful of my food then have to wait to finish swallowing, ‘Sorry. Excuse me.’
Miles is not bothered by her waiting to finish her food, ‘No, carry on.’
I think back to my studies, ‘Bank account overdrawn, over-storing of finished goods for resale, cost of sales, again percentage of turnover, creditors increasing overnight, debtors increasing overnight, turnover extremely high but again bank overdraft, cash liquid using cashflow statement and one more. Let me think. Ah, dividends paid out, even though you have a bank overdraft. To hide how bad the company is doing. You would not pay dividends if you are doing badly. If none of these are affected, then you are likely to be money laundering. There was a story that a post office in a small village, like ten people, made a hundred thousand pound turnover. It should have only made like ten grand. That is another indication. But again, an accountant who really cares would spot that.’
Miles is sold and wants to hire her. He does not want to tell her the truth and is willing to pay her for her services. This will also avoid leading her on, thinking that she will get something emotional in return for helping him out.
The table are all on their desserts now and we both choose Tiramisu. We are almost finished eating our pudding, when Stephen interrupts.
Stephen stands up and uses a spoon to tap against a wine glass, ’We are to go back to the room next door so the
room can be turned into a dance floor.’
As we are all leaving the room, I lose Miles in the chaos of the other guests, so I am on my own again. I try to find Sarah, Davina and Evelyn but I cannot find them. I feel lonely again, not knowing anyone else and struggling to see Miles or my uni friends among the other guests. I find myself going up to the bar and drinking there while people-watching. I miss my conversation with Miles. I thought I would be spending the rest of the evening with him before going home. I start to wallow in pity. For a second I think about topping myself, but my gut feeling was that I am not going to do that tonight. Wherever I look, I am reminded that I am still single, jealous and envious of the women in their relationships. I would be happy just having a boyfriend let alone a husband and two kids. There are no single men outside our group that I can make a fool of myself with.
I find myself reflecting over my life so far up to now. My thoughts make me feel sad for myself comparing my life to the people who are in the bar area including strangers as well as the guests. I ask God every day, twice on Sunday, that he would take me. I am standing by myself clutching my glass of white wine looking like I am waiting for a taxi.
Miles is on his phone to Mary ecstatically telling her, while giddy from drinking wine, that he has found someone to analyse the four companies. He also tells her that he wants Jane to review Geegore again to see if he has missed something. He is bouncing on his feet while punching in the air. Two strangers see him and give a weird look. He puts his hand up at them as to apologise. Mary is happy for him and reminds him that she is in bed having an early night and says good night to him. He then frantically rushes back into the venue to see her again and find a way of asking for her help.
Out of nowhere in the crowd of people drinking and laughing, Miles emerges and I notice him coming over to me. I feel a light has shined on me and feel a burst of new energy as I smile from ear to ear, just to see him again. He smiles, almost laughing at me. He comes up to me.
Miles stands in front of me and looks me right in the eye,
‘Let’s get out of here.’
I nervously say, ‘Where?’
He quietly says, ‘Anywhere. Anywhere but here.’
I nod my head shyly, ‘Yes. Lead the way.’
He grabs my hand and leads us out of the venue out into the warm still air and walks towards the Thames near the ship that is sat on the Thames. Miles lets go of my hands as we stand next to each other, gazing into the distance over the river Thames. I watch him rest his hands on the wall with his belly resting against it. I stand a feet away from the wall, watching him from behind, just gazing at the back of his head.
Miles looks like he wants to ask me something. I am thinking he wants to ask me out on a date, ‘Jane. There is something I want to ask you. You can say no.’
I look at him with curiosity, ‘What is it you want?’
Miles turns to face me, leaning his right side against the wall, ‘I am thinking of investing in a few companies. I came into some money. I have a feel for investing in some chemical companies. I am told they have a high rate of return. So… I was wondering if you could look into them. Like what you were telling me earlier.’
I am saddened that he is not asking me out directly on a date, but I will accept anything. It is not like I have a stream of boys queueing outside my front door, ‘Yeah sure.’
Miles quickly says, ‘I will pay you. The going rate.’
I do not feel obliged to say no, ‘You don’t have to. I will do it as a favour.’
Miles looks guilty for asking, ‘I can’t.’
I find him amusing and very attractive, ‘We can say that… it is for keeping me company for tonight.’
Miles smiles, ‘I will pay you. Just give me a fee. I am in a lot of money now. It will not break the bank.’
I just agree not to disagree, ‘Okay. No problem. It will probably take an hour to review anyway.’
Miles walks over to me, ‘You have no idea how much this means to me.’
He holds my right hand and gazes at me. I think that he could be looking to move in for a kiss. I stand there patiently waiting for him to kiss me. The last guy I kissed was about a year ago. I must have cobwebs in my mouth, not just my vagina. I do not know if that even works. I have never tested it out. But I would like him to do that. I would like that very much. Very, very much.
Miles looks at his watch and lies, ‘I have to really get going. Will you say good night to Steve and Anthea for me. I have a… football game.’
I am disappointed but do not show it, ‘Sure. It was nice to meet you.’
Miles kisses me on the cheek slowly, giving me one more chance to take in his cologne. I am too shy to try to kiss him. I also do not handle rejection very well. I would end up jumping into the river. I really want him to kiss me.
I jump in to ask about the work, ‘How do you want to give me the work?’
I could see Miles totally forgot about it, ‘Yeah! Of course. Sorry. Can I have your number? Also I can give you mine. Let me put it in your phone and then dial my phone. I know what I am like with not taking numbers down properly.’
I like his interest in me, ‘Sure, let me dig it out of my bag. Here you go. Oops, let me open it up… security number. There you go.’
I look intently as I watch him putting his number in and then him ringing his phone.
Miles smiles as he hears his phone ring, ‘Perfect. Now promise me you will store it. I have your number.’
I smile while sighing, ‘Yes. Now get out of here. I do not want you missing your football on my account.’
He smiles and walks away, still facing me, almost walking into the lamp post behind him which makes me laugh.
I went back to the venue and then left half an hour later, saying goodbye to Anthea and Stephen and thanking them for inviting me. I did not get a chance to say goodbye to Sarah, Davina or Evelyn. I had lost them soon after dinner and had not seen them since. I got a taxi home that night rather than travelling on the tube again. I went straight to bed when I got home and stayed awake thinking of Miles. I found myself struggling to sleep because I could not believe that I met someone and I was guaranteed to see him due to a work arrangement. Also I had permission to call him if I did not hear from him before Friday next week. I was getting excited. While trying to sleep, I found myself having my habit of twiddling my left nipple when pondering, lying in my bed. It was not a sexual habit, just a way of making me feel comforted.
I turn over in bed to try to sleep and found myself tossing and turning thinking about the night and having flashbacks of the evening swimming through my head just wanting to have the next week go by quickly. I start to have thoughts of Miles kissing me, having a long lingering kiss without tongues. I had images of him sucking on my right nipple and using his tongue to swirl around it and making it hard and solid like metal. Then allowing Miles to use his tongue on my groin. I imagine what it would be like, based on my girlfriends telling me their own experience. Using my friends’ stories, I tried to replicate what that feeling would be like, having my inner vagina getting warm. I use my right hand protruding my first two fore fingers in my vagina, feeling my fingers getting warm like putting it on a low heated radiator. Imagining it is Miles’ hand on my vagina, trying to get a real feeling of what it could be like.
My next thought was him being inside me with his penis slowly going in gently. I again use my girlfriends’ stories to imagine what that would be like. As I am dreaming about this, I found myself tossing and turning under my duvet, getting warm in bed and slightly perspiring struggling to get myself asleep. In the end, while allowing my mind to ponder on Miles making love to me, I have to push the duvet from me, using my legs and arms to give me space as I was getting hotter in bed, fidgeting feeling my vagina getting wet and perspiring. I started to breathe through my nose to savour my body odour from my vagina and smelling my unoffensive musky smell. I wondered if Miles would be my first sexual partner and first experience of foreplay.
Eventually I drift to sleep, still dreaming of Miles’ face when we were at the bar. Before I knew it, my bedroom had started to get light. I checked to see what time it was and it was only six o’clock in the morning. My eyes felt like grain in my eyes and heavy eyelids. I found my duvet over my body again. I must have pulled it over in my sleep. I lift the duvet slight up so I could smell my body under the duvet to see if I had perspired a lot. I could smell my body and my musk smell still with a hint of sweat. I just lay there in bed with my eyes fully open, feeling my genital with my legs slightly wide apart in a cycling position to my left while lying flat on my back.
I spent the Sunday just moping around not going anywhere, eating on snacks, grazing throughout the whole day and evening before going to bed early about ten o’clock. Before going to bed, I ironed my double cuff-link shirts for the next two weeks and hung them in my built-in wardrobe. I choose to go to bed naked as the night was humid and bury myself under my cold duvet, into a snuggling position to drift to sleep. I felt ready for Monday, dreaming of talking to Miles on the phone in the next couple of days.