It is September of two thousand and fifteen.
A couple of days have passed since we were about to kiss, before Miles walked out on me. He contacted me this morning apologising. He had said that it was him and that he was going through a personal issue. He tried to reassure me a few times. But it was too late. My armour was already back up. I found it hard to open up to him again. But my feelings were still getting stronger for him. We kept seeing each other twice a week on the same Thursday night and Saturday.
Thursday nights were going out to the cinema, introducing me to the theatre and eating out at restaurants. We tried ice skating once.
Saturdays would be spending the day going out for attraction days like theme parks, museums and tourist attractions that neither of us had done. We also tried horse riding lessons a couple of times. Our evenings would be spent staying in, cooking for each other at either apartment and watching a movie or playing a board game. Eventually our attention would turn to having intimate kisses. Gradually as the weeks went by, we slowly turned to foreplay.
I had decided to buy a book on how to do sexual pleasure as I had no idea. I confided in one of my uni friends that I was sexually inexperienced and she recommended a book to buy. I would read it at work, almost being caught reading it. I would read bits of it every lunch hour trying to memorise how to do the actions.
I never had the guts to try and rekindle that night when we almost kissed, because I was too shy and I did not want another rejection. Miles never attempted to make another move on me again. I really wanted Miles to take my virginity away and have the first time experience of having oral sex at least once. The book I bought had been written in such a way that I could visualise doing the actions in my head. I also started getting besotted about what it was like to have oral sex given to me as well as giving oral sex.
The book gave me an insight into how the man feels when receiving oral sex and what he would be sensing or feeling. It made me really want to please Miles so he could see that I was worth dating. I also started thinking how it would feel to receive oral and what the feelings would be like. The book made me think of having those feelings when I started daydreaming about Miles doing the various actions as described in the book.
I began to get so obsessed after reading the book from cover to cover, I could not stop thinking about having sex with Miles. Each day and week, I would think to myself this could be it. This is the week or day that Miles gets drunk with me and ravishes me showing me how he would like me to please him.
I wished that I could speak to Sarah or Claire about their experience with their husbands and get more insight of what it would feel like when I get the opportunity to make love. One of my dreams felt very vivid. I was drifting off to sleep on my sofa after a couple of glasses of red wine. I start to dream about Miles the umpteenth time.
I dreamt that it was my first ever blow job and my first attempt grated his shaft with the edge of my teeth. He discussed how to do it correctly and I listen with intent and then try it a second and third time till he had no reason to stop me. I dreamt of him groaning, like in the book and films, as I sensed he was about to climax. I dreamt that I pulled my mouth away and watched his pre cum dripping from his meatus before the white liquid pours out. I dreamt that I was smiling and laughing to myself that I managed to bring him to an orgasm with my first session.
My next part of the dream was Miles caressing my boobs by rubbing them, gently biting on my nipples making them rock-hard. Again this was from reading the sex book I bought. He would then interchangeably suck and gently bite on both my ear lobes. Each time he changed caressing parts of my body, he would ask if his techniques were working on me or not. I dreamt that I would moan and groan as a way of saying yes. I found myself breathing through my nose to try and sense the smell of his body odour, but nothing.
As my dream was being more detailed and vivid, I feel my pants are getting wet and I don’t realise that I am rubbing my vagina slightly against my sofa cushion, now between my legs. I unconsciously try to mimic what I thought the feeling would be like based on the description in the book.
I woke up all of a sudden and quickly felt my pants were wet. I had the realisation that I had another wet dream. I am still getting wet dreams when I am thirty-five.
I got in the shower before going to bed.
By the end of September, I had finished writing the reports on all five companies. I feel that I am in love with Miles now, even though we have not had any physical contact. I have never asked anyone what it felt like to be in love and so what feelings I had, I assumed was love. How would I know though if I have not expressed the those feelings to any of my friends or siblings. Why would I? I did not think I would ever meet anyone. I have never been in love before. Was I mistaking lust for love?
Three months into my friendship with Miles, tragedy struck in my family. It was a day I would never forget. It was what made me take the path I did. It was what made me join M-I-Six. It was like nine/eleven, you knew where you were on the day it happened.
I had spoken to my parents a few days ago before they were going on holiday. I eventually told them that I was seeing Miles and that they will meet him when they fly back from Brazil. I was finding out about the flight times, flight numbers there and back, terminal number and how they were getting to and from the airport. I was giddy with excitement telling them about Miles and how much I think I have fallen in love. There was a five-way conversation on our mobiles and so my siblings could also talk to our parents and each other. That day was the last time I remember being happy for the first time and being at peace with myself. I had not had an episode of suicidal tendency or thought. Miles was the reason for that. I had never told Miles as it had no reason to come up. I felt that Miles had cured me. All seven of us on the phone laughed and joked at my expense in regards to finally meeting someone. That was a good day. Unfortunately my last. All of us really.
It was the middle of September, the part when you know summer is finally over. I was at my desk at work, daydreaming about Miles and our routine of day trip, dinner, drinks and then foreplay, especially foreplay. I could not get any work done because I was on cloud nine. I felt that our relationship was real now I told my whole family about Miles and arranging to all meet up at our parents house to introduce him and have dinner, when our parents came back from Brazil. I was looking at my work colleagues chatting with each other and laughing at their desks while still working. I was seeing through my office window. The office seemed to be buzzing that day. I think we gained a few new clients that month and we were having a good year so far.
Out of the blue, without any subtlety, there was silence. It was like a dark cloud came over us and we were more interested in where the dark cloud came from. We had a television in the office and someone had run over to put it on. I heard some of my women colleagues gasp out loud and one or two colleagues looked in my direction. I felt it odd as if the world stood still. My colleagues either stood round the television, blocking my view, or stood around one of my colleague’s desk-top computer that had the monitor back to me, so I could not see what they were looking at.
I saw a couple of missed calls on my mobile but I ignored them as I was distracted by what was happening in the office. I opened my office door to find out what the fuss was about. Went to the television, squeezing myself through my colleagues to get to the television screen. As I managed to get a glimpse of the screen, my eyes catch a reel at the bottom of the screen ‘saying just come in’. My eyes glaze over and I start to find it hard to breathe. I remember the flight number I wrote down from my parents and see it on the television screen. The information being broadcast is sketchy as it was a live feed. The news was saying that a plane had exploded over the Atlantic Ocean a couple of hours into the flight. My colleagues then all turned to me. I rushed out of the office without prior warning and all I could do was rush to see Miles. It was still office hours and so I decided to go to his place of work that I had never been to. I ignore my mobile, finding that all I can think about is going to Miles.
I had no idea where to start, to find where his office is. All I knew was that it was at parliament. Just go to the parliament. Worry when I get there. I decide to get a taxi to save trying to read the London Underground. It took me a couple of minutes to flag a taxi down on London Bridge. The roads were rush hour as per usual. It ended up taking about half an hour to get across London. I went to the main gate of security asking for Miles Johnson.
It was strange as they had no record of a Miles Johnson. I was getting furious with the policeman there, saying that Miles was a secretary for one of the members of parliament. I was asked to give the name of the person Miles looks after, but I had never asked him, so I could not give the name. I called Miles’ number several times but he did not pick up. So I could not get Miles to verify my story. I was unsuccessful. I was warned that I could get myself in trouble and was sent away. I tried calling Miles again but no luck. I was frustrated because it was not our usual Thursday night and so I had no plans to see him that night naturally. It was only gone two o’clock and so I had a long wait before I could go round his flat. All I could do was walk round aimlessly until gone six o’clock when Miles is home. We would call each other after dinner.
It started raining so I decided to go to the nearest coffee shop to his apartment so I did not have to travel far. After sitting down with my coffee, I checked my missed calls focusing on any from Miles and my siblings. I looked for Miles first and there was not one missed call from him. I started to get anxious and worried. I had never had a reason to call him in the day time, so I had no past record of this being normal or abnormal.
I decided to distract myself by attending to my siblings’ missed calls. We did a five-way mobile conversation exchanging shock, our cries and anything that was new to give us more detail. There was nothing. We spoke for about an hour and a half. It was nearer to seven o’clock now. I frantically checked for any missed calls from Miles since being on the phone to my siblings. My brother was going to contact the main number broadcasted by the news to get confirmation. We did not want to believe it was our parents. Their mobiles were naturally switched off because of being in mid-flight. Their plane was not going to be landing for a couple of hours. I see a missed call from Miles, but decide to just go over. So I do not check if he had left a message.
It had stopped raining but it was really wet, damp and cold. I had my raincoat over my suit blazer and skirt. I knew it was going to rain today. When I get to his telecom, I press his apartment number and wait for him to speak. I hear the crackling noise so I push the main entrance door open to get inside. The apartment building has a lift, so I choose to not to use the stairs. Tonight was no exception.
When I get to his floor, I notice Miles opened his door already. When I walk in to see where he is, he is in the kitchen.
Things did not seem right. He looked distant and I did know if he knew about my parents’ flight or this was not our usual meet up. I talk first.
I feel out of place and feel I have intruded on his private life. In a shy manor I say, ‘I tried to see you at work. Something terrible has happened, and I wanted to tell you at work. But you were not there. I tried calling.’
Miles was subdued just listening to me, ‘I heard. Sorry about what happened with the security guards.’
I am taken aback with Miles not mentioning the plane crash that has been on the news all day, ‘I think my parents were on the plane. The flight number marries up.’
Miles still looked distant, ‘I heard on the news. I am so sorry.’
I start to sob and naturally gravitate towards him for a hug without realising or thinking about it. As I hug him, I feel I have caught Miles off guard and notice he had not reciprocated. It was like putting on a seat belt, but it is not tight enough round me. It did not matter how much I squeezed, there was no reciprocation. I stepped back to see what expression was on his face and there was nothing. He looked distant and cold in his eyes. I tried to read his face but I could not see any suggestions. I move backwards away from him, to make space between us. As I do, through the corner of my eye, I see a brunette woman in the door entrance of his kitchen. She looked European, ‘Miles, who is this?’
Miles waited for me to turn round to face him, ‘Jane, this is Natalia. Natalia, this is Jane.’
I could not look any more different to Natalia than I am already. She was Miles’ typical woman that I pictured and what he said when we first met. Natalia was six feet tall to my four feet ten inches in height. She had the body of a model. She dwarfed me.
I was in complete shock. I could analyse the situation in seconds and so I stormed out pushing past her, as she was standing in my pathway to his front door, leaving the building altogether.
It had already started raining again. I looked for another taxi to go home. I decided to get dropped off at an off licence round the corner of my apartment building. I brought a litre of vodka and some headache tablets. I then go home and sit in the living room on the floor with my coat still on. I had switched the light on. I had grabbed my picture of my parents and hold it in my hand.
Throughout the whole journey, all I had on my mind was killing myself. I sipped the vodka with all the pills. I had five in each pack. I bought four packets. It took me an hour to swallow all the pills with the vodka. I then drank the remaining vodka in one. I then waited for the pills and vodka to work. I try to stay awake, shaking my head to startle myself awake. Eventually my eyelids closed and I did not wake up.
As I woke up, I felt pain in my stomach and my throat felt like I was swallowing sand, very dry and needing water. I thought I was by myself and wondered how I arrived in hospital. I could only remember falling asleep on my living room floor against my sofa. I did not remember anyone having access to my apartment or calling anyone to save me. I was upset and crying to myself for still being in this world and not being in the next world with my parents. My siblings were lucky as they had their husbands and wives and their kids for emotional support. I thought I could run to Miles for support until I realised he was with another woman, more his type. I felt so embarrassed and mortified and just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt that everyone knew about my embarrassment and so I did not want to face anyone, especially Miles.
There was no one in my room and I could see I was in
my own room and not in the main ward behind curtains. I went back to sleep, sobbing to myself.
I woke up again and I saw flowers on my bedside cabinet. The nurse had come in to see how I was. She told me I had a lot of family visitors during my sleep. I had asked how long I was out for. She said it had been a couple of days. I asked if the nurse knew how I arrived here in hospital. As I was going to ask her, Miles comes in. It makes me defensive. Miles appeared sheepish still. I adjust myself, moving my body upright on my bed.
Miles is standing by the door, a few feet away from my bed when he speaks up, ‘Are you okay?’
I still felt a little groggy, ‘How did I get here?’
Miles goes to the chair by my bed and sits down. He then tries to hold my hand, but I move it away as he gets near, ‘Jane I am so sorry. When you stormed out, I thought I would allow a couple of hours, then call you. My gut feel was that something was not quite right, so I went on my gut feel and came over.’
My mind is pondering, ‘So how did you get into my flat?’
Miles looks down and looked like he was a deer caught in the headlights, ‘I have a lot of explaining to do. I want to wait till you get out. I spoke to the doctor and she said you would be able to leave today once you are awake. I said I would take you home.’
I am still waiting for an answer, ‘You did not answer my question.’
Miles just looks at me then finally tells me everything, ‘Listen very carefully. What I am about to tell you is going to shock you.’
I look at him with interest and let him continue, ‘I work for the government.’
I do not understand why he is telling me he works for the government, when I already know, ‘You already told me.’
Miles looks sheepish as if he has something to own up to, ‘I work for M-I-Six. I was using you to find out about some companies that fund terrorism.’
I look at him with my mouth slightly open in surprise, ‘You were not looking to invest in them.’
Miles continues, ‘That is what I have been working on. Terrorists. Your reports have impressed my superiors. They were impressed with your work. It even helped us to close a company down in Wales. It has also helped to train our new staff who are going to be working in a new department within M-I-Six. But we will be standing alone. We will have the same powers as M-I-Six, but solely working on illegal companies both domestic and foreign, residing in the UK. We will be taking the work load away from the police and M-I-Six. I started the idea of the department three months ago. We are going live next week.’
I was taken aback. My mind is swimming with fragments of us, the work I did for him and the night I saw him with another woman, ‘Who is she?’
Miles showed remorse on his face, ‘She is my girlfriend. We have been together for about three years. I told her that night about my job. I am a lucky man. She still accepted me and we are getting married. It all came out on the day you came round. Bad timing. I am so, so sorry.’
I started to shed a tear. I cannot believe what I am hearing, ‘So I was a pawn. Get in my… give me the illusion that you are interested in me. I call it misdirection.’
Miles does not show any reaction, ’You are very good.
What else have you realised?’
I look confused, ‘How do you mean?’
Miles is not making it easy for Jane to understand his motive, ‘You have got me so far. Finish the pieces.’
I looked at him with a puzzled look, ’That Saturday was a pure coincidence. Too many variables. You wouldn’t have collaborated with Anthea’s fiancé. Their engagement was out of the blue. There were no name plates. But they were all couples and so psychologically, you would not have sat in between two couples. So you had to sit next to me. But I could have easily sat in
between two couples myself…’
Miles looks impressed with me, ‘Go on.’
My mind is revisiting my friend’s engagement party, sitting at dinner, ‘It could have still been orchestrated. You told me you worked with Stephen. Is he a spy?’
Miles calmly says, ‘No. He does work as a secretary. We are friends. I know him through crossing paths. He attends committees with his MP at M-I-Six. We became friends that way. I was invited in the same way as you.’
I think logically about how we met, ‘So this was not orchestrated. Once you found out what I did, you saw it as fate and here we are. That’s why you were comfortable with my pace. Everything goes except for sex. But you were genuine. I could tell then and I can tell now. You are not cold, based on your remorse expression. A cold heartless bastard would be taking the moral high ground. You didn’t have to come here or save my life.’
Miles looks impressed with my analogy, ‘I think you are in the wrong business. While you have been in hospital for a couple of days, I thought as a way of apology, I would look into the plane crash. They have still not identified the passengers. But I have my people who have already found out. I have told your siblings already.’
I was opened-mouthed again as he confirmed what I had already known deep down. I broke down in tears, finding it hard to breathe as he unfolds the details of the plane crash.
After I fight to hold the tears back and gain my composure, ‘How do they know so much as it only happened a couple of days ago?’
Miles appears eager to tell me, ‘With the latest technology and since nine/eleven, the plane’s digital voice box and cameras were transmitted back to a server in the airline company. We were able to extract the recordings. We also sent our own search party. There was no way your parents and the rest of the passengers, could have survived the plane crash. There was nothing untoward on the recordings we listened to. We also captured the crash on a satellite dish, which was above ground zero. I had my people check out the satellite recordings. It is going to be concluded as a technical fault. A wiring problem. We are allowing the media to broadcast it in a week’s time. I asked your family not mention it to any of their friends. This is extended to you. As you obviously know, it is not fair that you are the only family to know out of all the other victims’ families.’
Miles wants to tell me one more thing before he decides to say goodbye, ‘Based on what I have seen and putting the pieces together, you have three choices.’
I have puzzled look on my face, ‘I don’t follow.’
Miles stands up, next to my bed, ‘I have seen the signs before. This is not your first time.’
I could tell in his face that I was emotionally scared, ‘So what are my options?’
Miles had his work-mode face on like how I saw it when we had our first meeting that day, ‘One, you go back to your old life, your old job. Then one day you take your life for real. Two, you go to live near one of your siblings, again you settle in, watch your replaced family moving on but you are still stuck in first gear. Then you still kill your self as you are reminded what you could have had with me. Then your third…’
Miles hesitates as he goes to tell me my third option, ‘You come and work for me. Spend a year training and learning the work, then travel the world saving your country.’
I looked down at my hands in front of me while I start assessing my options that Miles made for me, ‘Which one has the shortest life expectancy?’
Miles is taken aback by my comment. I could see that
no matter which road I took, I would still end up at the same junction, ‘The agency. Statistically speaking, you will live for longer with your family. The life expectancy of a field agent is short. So you will not have to take your own life. The work will stimulate your intelligence. Here is my card, in case you deleted my number. You have all the time in the world. So please don’t say no. Just… think about it.’
I look away from him, staring forward into space. Miles walks out of the room to leave me alone. I move myself down the bed, so I can lie flat. I then turn over onto my side and crawl into a ball like a foetus. I then start to cry again uncontrollably as my body slightly shudders and I sob myself back to sleep.
I am in hospital for one more day. I am sat up on my bed watching television. I am not paying attention to what is on television. I am thinking how blown away I am, knowing what happened to my parents before the news has been announced publicly.
I left Homerton Hospital late afternoon after being checked by the doctor. I went straight to my siblings in Buckinghamshire to spend a few weeks there. I had told my firm that I wanted to use up my unused holidays as well as compassionate leave to go away for a month.
I found that it was hard for me to grieve, watching my siblings with their family and extended family. I had no one. My suicidal tendency was flaring up and felt like getting in my car and driving into the ocean. I found that my siblings had the network to cope and grieve.
Miles was right. If I had stayed with my siblings, I would eventually take my own life. But it would be prolonged as I would find it hard to harm myself.
The day the news was announced about the plane crash on the television, was when Miles told me they would do it. I guessed that Miles felt so bad for using me, that his way for asking for forgiveness was helping my family to come to terms with our parents’ death sooner.
After a few weeks with my siblings, I head back home to my place.
After my month off, I contacted Miles by mobile text, asking if I could meet up. I had a reply back straight away. He asked if I could come in now. I texted him yes and asked where I need to go, as I had no idea from my last attempt of finding him. He asked me if I knew where Special Intelligence Service building was. That was M.-I.-Six from the television programmes I had seen in the past. I texted him as I thought about it. He texted back saying yes.
I put on my jacket and leave my apartment there and then. When I arrive at the entrance to the building, I close my eyes for a second not believing that I was going to work for one of the world’s elite agencies. Now you know how I ended up working for the new agency.
I had my training in the first three months while working on the job. I would go on short trips each week being trained in self-defence, close-quarter fighting and techniques retrieving details. I was also trained in firearms and had to train for six months. I finally received my certificate and licence after intensive training. I had to go away at weekends at a time to learn how to fire weapons and simulate scenarios. By the end of the six months, I finally had my weekends back to myself and my brain was frazzled from all that training.