“Oh.” I sighed, realizing that they somehow exchanged numbers and addresses.
“So, can I ask them if they want to come too?” He shrugged his shoulders, getting me back in the car. I already put the female stuff in, at the shop and now I was searching Ashton’s number in Kaleb’s list of contacts.
“Torres at your service. Harold speaking, how may I help?” He politely answered the phone.
“Uhm, hello, sir . . . I mean Harold. It’s Alice speaking, Alice Avery White, Ashton’s friend.”
“Oh, hello my dear.” I shivered, my dear. “How may I help?” Still as polite as ever; I was really confused to why he still hadn’t found a job.
“Uhm . . . Is there a possibility that I could talk with Harper or Ashton?” I asked, biting on my fingernail.
He didn’t answer, I just heard some rumbling.
“Ashton here.” Was what I heard.
“Hello, Ashton. Mind if I come by, quickly?” I suddenly felt rushed, needing to get this done with even though we had enough time.
“Yeah, it’s okay.” He answered, I responded with a quick ‘see you’ and hung up as fast as I could.
I felt my veins pumping, and I felt uncomfortable. I crawled deeper and deeper in my chair as possible, without hurting myself.
We drove in silence, not even music playing.
“Alice?” The doctor smashed the silence.
“To the right.” I answered, ignoring his attempt to find out what’s wrong.
“Alice?” He began to sound a little pissed.
“Alice, I will stop this damn car if you don’t answer, hell I’ll even crash it if I have to.” I was startled by his statements.
“Please, don’t stop.” I squeaked, shrinking deeper in the chair.
“Well tell me what’s wrong then.” He sighed, letting his eyes leave the road for a few seconds.
“I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know . . .” I whimpered, pulling my not-shot leg up to my chest, feeling some stretches in the wound in meanwhile.
He stopped in front of a building I later recognized as one close to Ashton’s.
“What’s on your mind then?” His voice was almost as soft as butter.
“I don’t know. I don’t know . . .” You could notice something shinning in my eyes.
“Alice, look at me, take deep slow breaths.” I didn’t complain, nor question it, I just obeyed him.
Seconds, no minutes passed, and I calmed down, again.
“Everything . . . It’s confusing, it’s painfully hard, literally. I have to admit that I don’t even know what has occurred. I don’t know what has been happening my whole life. I don’t know anything anymore.” He wanted to say something, but he closed his mouth.
“I thought I knew it once, that it was all crystal clear, yet here I am: a bleeding, emotional mess. Being shot, visiting my family that I haven’t seen in so long, not counting that one day. I only have one pair of clothes, one of my best friends is in the hospital in such bad condition. I am being chased by the most dangerous, deathliest gang. I have no clue where my parents are, for so damn long.” I was in tears, and from the moment they only left my eyes, I blamed my emotions on my hormones, but I knew I mostly would be lying.
He didn’t show any emotion, he just stared at me.
“I miss them . . .” I was now wailing. “My parents, grandparents, Jayden, my family, my other friends, my old, oh so old life. I want that back; I want everything back! This isn’t fair!” I felt my veins boil for indefinite time, yet I didn’t know who to be angry at.
I tried to cool myself down and welcomed the cold tears on my hot cheek again.
“Alice . . . I know that it may seem like a black hole, like nothing will turn right, that it will always be like this, that the now gray world will never return back to its beautiful colors. But it will one day, I thought to never see them, again, but you pulled me out of it, I’m step by step willing to see a small rainbow, and I’m glad I am.” He smiled at me.
“How and why am I the person letting you see it again?” I was really confused, which may have been a good thing, getting me distracted.
“You are my sister; you’ve been the person standing by my side since the day we met.” He emphasized the word are. “What do you mean are?” I sniffed, exhaling deeply after.
“Because there is a big chance, we are actually blood connected.” His eyes were smiling, and I was just staring out in front of me. “Miranda kept referring to a Theodore and Elizabeth, in the letters she wrote, and I saw their names in your record, so I combined that with the other things in the letter and it all came together in that. Maybe we should take a DNA test, so we really know if it’s true.” It came as such a surprise, like a slap in the face.
“I . . . I-I mean it’s worth a try, I guess.” I stuttered, I know that I would be happy, even overly happy, but it came so sudden.
“We should probably go in.” I sighed. Ten minutes later, feeling a little stiff after sitting in such an uncomfortable position for that long.
He was at my door in an instant.
“Do you think this would make a difference?” I asked, feeling something like a punch in my stomach, only these were cramps. ‘Oomph.’ Or something like that came out of my mouth.
Concern in the eyes, but I ignored it, both, the pain and his stare.
“I don’t really think it would, at least not for you.” He sighed, scratching behind his ear. “I’ve always been someone more to live on my own, but then I’ll suddenly have a sibling, even more siblings. It probably will be something to get used to and wouldn’t happen in a finger snap.” He exhaled. We walked until we were at the entrance, and we guided each other to the elevator.
“What’s actually the reason that we are here?” He asked, letting me press on the button, third floor.
“I need to receive something in person from them.” I considered telling what, but I wasn’t really in the mood and he would hear it later.
Three knocks, just when I wanted to knock a fourth time, the door opened, like someone was waiting.
“Alice!” A relieved sigh, and her arms were around me. It was my time to look confused at that point, the past two weeks hadn’t been the best for us and suddenly she nearly jumped on me.
“Dang it . . .” I murmured, feeling it in my stomach and leg. Harper immediately took two big steps backwards, while I felt Kaleb’s hand protectively guide me forwards, being emotionally and physically a support too.
“Alice.” Ashton smiled lightly, not coming closer, seeing the thing happening.
I tried to get a smile through my clutched teeth, but I didn’t even try further, knowing that I would look like a horse.
We all led ourselves to the living room, Harper and Ashton together and Kaleb following, yet standing protectively behind me.
No word was spoken while walking, that made the sound of my crutches hitting the ground even louder, and it absolutely annoyed me.
“So, what’s up?” Was asked by Harper, just when I made myself as comfortable as possible.
I felt the pillow dive from behind me, Kaleb was resting on his arm.
“Uhm . . . Nothing much, I just wanted to pass by wanting to ask if I could get the letters from in my house.” I announced, waiting a little for an answer.
“I’ll go grab them.” Harper stood up, leaving Ashton cold, they were nearly sitting on each other’s lap.
Harper literally slid her way over to me, sliding on her socks. She gave me the papers, but I just kept staring at them. Having a feeling that my eyes were on fire.
How dare she show herself off like that? I’m sitting here, with a hole in my leg and she can just rub it in like that.
“Thank you . . .” Kaleb accepted the things, delivering an awkward chuckle too.
“Well . . .” Kaleb broke the long, unhealthy silence, I was too mad to talk, Harper too scared and Ashton had no idea what in God’s name was happening. Kaleb looked at his wrist and ticked on his watch. “Alice and I have to go. We have an appointment and it’s quarter past seven already.” He stood up, just as we all did, or Harper and Ashton did, I was stuck in my place.
“Uhm . . . Okay.” Ashton’s turn to speak, Harper seemed mad too, suddenly.
I managed to get on my one leg and two half legs without hurting myself too much and limped to the door.
“We can talk later.” Ashton pointed out, pointing to me and Harper, but the both of us didn’t answer.
“That’s a good idea.” My not sure yet brother answered. “We’ll see you later kids.” He said and with that we were out.
“She’s a . . .” That’s the last thing I heard before the elevator closed its doors.
“Alice, I know this is probably the most difficult period in your life, but she’s your best friend after all, you don’t need to react so . . . angry. I know you need to let that anger out but try to get those emotions out in another manner. Because now you’re just growing apart from each other, while you could and normally are supposed to grow closer to each other in this sort of times.” We were on the road again, and I just again had tears on my face.
I had absolutely no idea what was happening to me and I didn’t really know if I wanted to find out. For no, absolutely no reason, tears were falling like a waterfall.
Kaleb started speeding. I was sniffing so much and loudly, that passing cars probably would’ve heard. I expected Kaleb to drive even faster, but he didn’t. He parked his car on an open spot, stepped out and walked to my side. He opened the door and crouched down in front of me.
“Yell, tell, cry, punch everything out that you have inside of you.” I was confused, but I did none of the things he said. I wasn’t focused at anything in particular, yet my vision became glossy. Kaleb started talking, but the words didn’t enter my ears properly, a sharp beeping sound. It was so fierce that my head started throbbing, like never before.
I felt like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode, but instead of that, I suddenly saw blackness. I could separate some shades of black but Could see no other colors.
Out of the things I saw, I could make out a girl, who seemed hungry and cold. She seemed like dying any minute. The girl had brown hair, and obviously slim, but that was all I could see. It looked like she was held hostage, a dark figure came in and that’s when darkness hit me again.
Opening my eyes, I saw a red, breathless, panicking Kaleb. My head was still throbbing like crazy, just as my heart was being squeezed hard, way too hard. Breathing heavily, I looked forward and kept staring, haunted by the imagine from before. I had the feeling I knew the girl, knew what she was going through, what she felt.
We somehow managed to get into the car and safely arrive to the parking lot. Tears were still stained on my face, and they became sticky. I found the situation, the things occurring uncomfortable already, but the silence, it was so awkward.
“Well, I’ll get the chair.” Kaleb mumbled, seeming tired again. But I stopped him, using my vocal cords again, my voice sounding hoarse. “I’ll just use my crutches.” It was barely audible, yet he turned around. “It’s just in case something would happen.” He assured me, trying to get a small smile out, but it was everything except realistic.
We both were tired, emotionally and physically. He helped me stand on my feet, as steady as I could.
We walked towards the entrance, he with the chair and me with the crutches in the hands.
Once in the elevator, I slightly started panicking, again. I was going to see my slightly overprotective siblings again. I tried to use the trick I heard, not so long ago, it was something about blowing on your thumb. So that’s what I tried, but it didn’t help, on the contrary I was short of breath. I felt something on my shoulder, something so soft yet so strong, but it could break any second. It felt so light too, as light as a feather, and that collided with my shoulder. Somehow that made me calmer, only was my breathing still not okay. The thing happening next, startled me so much, yet seemed like the most normal thing ever. I felt a breeze pas my ear. “Sht, it’ll be okay . . .” What? I turned around, seeing Jayden standing in front of me. “Jay, what are you doing here?” I asked, my voice sounding so much higher, like nothing was wrong, it wasn’t like the person I was talking to was supposed to be lying in a hospital. He didn’t answer, only smiled. I turned around, being concerned about his condition and the reason he was standing in the elevator with us. “Kaleb, why is he here?” Kaleb looked confounded, surprised, even a little spooked out.
“Alice, what are you talking about?” He exclaimed, pulling both his eyebrows up.
The ghost of a hand left. “Ssssht . . .” It flew by, like a spirit. I turned around, to find nothing, he was gone. My eyes nearly popped out, scared to why he suddenly disappeared, it was only one second. My mouth was so wide open, spit was nearly drooling out.
I felt his hand, on my shoulder. His appearance helped for a while, but I wish it never happened. I was going crazy, paranoid, out of my mind. I was literally seeing stuff, people who weren’t there. Was I really in a stage of hallucinating?
Kaleb clearly let it drop and guided me carefully out of the elevator. My heart started racing again, like it was trying something. I started panicking, clearly, only it was not visible for the person who may or may not be my real brother. I was nearly exploding inside of me, I felt so much warmer, yet colder.
“C-can I have th-the wheel-wheelchair?” I was sweating, out of breath, like I had just run a marathon. He again seemed worried, but just shrugged his shoulders for once.
He turned around and looked at me. “You’re fine?” The question kind of came out of nothing to me, but I appreciated it, so hard. “I think so . . .” I mumbled, seeming to be a little calmer, only wishing I were from the inside too.
“No, Alice. I need a decent answer, to an easy question, okay?” His voice was deeper, stern, even scary would some people say.
I genuinely didn’t know what to answer to him, am I fine? Yes or no? Well, definitely a no, but what’s the explanation to that? Well, I am hallucinating things, until a few days ago I had a piece of metal in my leg, I don’t know anything about the two people who should’ve been here, my parents; a gang is on my heels, my relationships are all slowly crumbling apart and I am perhaps suffering from a trauma. And that’s not even everything.
“Yeah, I’m the best you could get out of me.” I stumbled over my words, trying to convince him the best I could, and I presume that the tiredness and lack of attention, made him believe the things coming out of my mouth.
“Ready?” He asked, yawning, standing in front of Autumn’s door.
“Sure . . .” I sighed, rubbing in my eyes, trying to rub the sleep away.
Three knocks, two sighs and a few seconds later, the door opened, welcomed by a smiling Autumn, a look in her eyes told me that something wasn’t right, that she wasn’t her usual self.
“Hello.” Her strong British accent was heard, but tired, she was so tired.
“Come in please.” Kaleb positioned himself behind the handles and lightly pushed me forwards. In silence we went to the dining room, where my three other siblings were waiting. Levi, her white hair in a knot on her head – she was an albino – and a book in her hand. Jack seeming stressed and thoughtfully looking out in front of him. Will on the other hand had a tiny smile playing with his lips and was looking around him as if he’d never been there before. My heart started racing at just being in one room with the four, maybe even five of my brothers and sisters.
I didn’t dare to look up anymore, scared of their reactions. I heard them stand up from their chairs that were scraping the floor and the feet, footsteps. It sent shivers down my spine, again, but I just ignored them thinking that this wasn’t the best occasion for that. I would do everything in my power to not get any attacks. I didn’t want to worry these five people more than they already were.
“Alice.” Both Jack and Will’s voices spoke, it scared me that I nearly didn’t recognize their voices anymore, approximately two weeks and I couldn’t even recall my own brothers’ voices. As a reflex I tilted my head up, suddenly being emotional again. I felt sad, angry, but mostly guilty. I left them alone, again! I left them worried for two whole weeks, without any trace of me, not even a note, not even a word. I hated myself so much because of that, I felt stupid, a traitor, a monster.
“I’m so, so sorry.” I started crying, making the whole room even more quiet, if it were possible you could hear each other hearts beat, or even my tears meeting the ground.
Multiple people started to surround me, everyone except Levi, who was just blankly staring in front of her, she only took two steps closer.
I felt really uncomfortable, the people I’d hurt were trying to comfort me.
I sniffed and wiped my tears away with the back of my hand.
“No, I’m sorry, let’s just take a seat . . .” I mumbled, having confused the people as a result.
The hormones didn’t really help either, my stomach was murdering me, while my mind was planning to explode any second, followed by my emotions.
I didn’t notice myself mumbling until a hand was placed on my shoulder. Jack. A sad smile was seen, making the hole that I felt not even that long ago grow.
“Come please . . .” He pleaded, sounding so vulnerable, so tired. Seeing his eyes didn’t help, guilt grew seeing the big dark circles under his eyes and just seeing him.
I rolled myself away, following Jack closely, leaving the room in an even more awkward silence.
We were in the room with all the pictures inside, it felt like a small explosion in my upper chest.
We were back there, a place holding a lot of memories.
Jack sat on a couch, I never noticed being in the room, but I just sat in my take-away chair.
It was silent, until my brother whimpered.
“Why? Just why?” He whispered, looking me dead in the eye.
Tears were nearly streaming down like a waterfall. “It’s so, so, damn hard to explain, Jack. You really don’t know how badly I want to, but I don’t know if it’s safe for you.” I somehow managed to sob out at once.
“I really don’t give a damn right now, I just want my youngest sister, my-our little baby actress to be safe.” He sounded so certain, not realizing the dangers that were coming his way when he figured out what could be coming to us, to him.
“Jack. . . I really cannot drag you into this hellhole, you really don’t want to be where I am. I haven’t been shot for nothing; I wasn’t coincidently shot if that’s what you thought.” I sighed, having made the waterfall change into a small trickle compared to what had come out before that.
“I lost my parents too, I lost our parents too, I won’t let you do whatever you’re even trying to do alone. We’re one family for something, got it?” I shook my head.
“Jack, you’re just confirming your death right now, you don’t know what I am in right now. I have had some training before, I have other trained people with me to help. You don’t have to do this, you have so much left . . . You have a damn daughter!” I nearly yelled, welcoming the waterfall again. He stood up stiffly, walking to the photos on the wall.
“Why? Why Jack?” I used his previous line.
“Because I miss this, I miss you, mom and dad.” He sighed, a cry not so far away.
“Don’t we all miss them?” I pointed out, making him nod, it was nearly impossible to see because his chin was plastered on his chest.
“You worried us so damn much. . .” He mumbled, making the eye contact again. It sent shivers down my spine. “Why’d you even leave? And what do you know?” His voice sounded so stern so quickly, yet again it sounded so vulnerable. Like one touch could break him, like one soft wind blow could destroy him. His voice too was breaking during the whole conversation we were having.
“Jack . . .” I whined. “I cannot . . .” I sighed but was abruptly cut off.
“Like I said before, I don’t give a shit about my safety okay! I just want you, us to know what happened, we’re one family! We need to get through this all together. And I know that you have information about mom and dad, you just don’t want to admit it to us or even to yourself. So again, could you please tell me what you know?” His anger blew me off guard.
I don’t know how, but it made me cry even harder, damn hormones.
“Could you give me some time, please?” I managed to cry out. “I need to think this through…”.
He nodded, wanting to struggle his way on his feet, but I stopped him by rolling the chair in front of him. I didn’t think, just did the thing I needed the most right now. I hugged him.
A minute passed, and those sixty seconds considered of us both crying in each other’s shoulder. We somehow managed to stop crying, but how long it took us is unknown.
We passed the bathroom to splash some water into our faces and Jack guided me to the rest, but I stopped him just before we were visible to them.
“Aren’t they mad?” I asked, in a high-pitched voice.
“Maybe, but it’ll be okay. You have me and perhaps that other guy.” Realization hit me, they haven’t met, nor do they know that he partly could have the same DNA.
“Kaleb . . .” I mumbled, clarifying his name to Jack.
He hummed, not seeming happy about him. I decided to not question him about it, not wanting to have the same play as before.
There was an awkward atmosphere, the second both me and Jack settled down.
I cleared my throat, not knowing what to say.
“Uhm . . . Could I possibly get some water, Autumn?” I questioned, sitting up straight, wanting to be polite towards her.
“God, I am so sorry for not offering you anything earlier, would anyone else like to have something?” Everyone answered, both Levi and Autumn a cup of tea, Jack and Will a beer and Kaleb a cola.
Once Autumn left towards the kitchen, a conversation slowly started.
“So . . .” Jack was - not to my surprise - the first one to talk. “What do you do for a living, Kal -. . .” He started to trail off.
“Kaleb.” Both, me and Kaleb said.
“I’m a doctor,” seeing the looks on everyone’s face, he needed to explain more. “I mostly do open wounds, like gunshots. Plus, the things a normal doctor would do.” He continued, seeming pretty tense. Trying to calm him, I gave him a small smile, not being that comfortable either. “And what do you all do?” He tried to get the attention away.
“We’re all currently in college, but Jack and I stand in a bar, serving people to get the money for now.” Will answered, starting to feel a little more comfortable to talk.
Kaleb cleared his throat and he asked. “What are you all studying then?”
At that Levi’s head shot up from the book she had lying on her lap, her eyes lightly twinkling. She was always awake after hearing something scary close to school or something that had to do anything with learning and knowledge.
Jack and Will both looked up at each other and then back to Kaleb. Will decided to answer, yet again. “We both are doing something in the computer world.” Kaleb just nodded, while I looked around the room, still feeling that gap in my chest. Like always, I rested my hands over the spot where it hurt the most, somehow wanting to be able to pull it all together.
Yet again, silence filled the room. No one dared to make a sound, no one felt the urge to say anything or was just too scared.
“So . . . Uhm, how is your daughter, Jack?” Once the question came out of my mouth, I felt even more pain, like another bullet that hit me. I didn’t get to meet the little girl like Jack said I would, I just left him, I let him down. I felt tears burn behind my eyeballs, yet again, I didn’t dare to look anyone in the eyes. Also, the thought of what he just said, he was willing to leave his daughter, kept me thinking. Why, would he drop everything? It didn’t make any sense in my head.
“Fleur is doing lovely.” To my surprise a bit British was heard, a smile not so far away either.
Making me even more dumbfounded, I successfully tried to not let anyone know.
Jack had something ready to say on the tip of his tongue, when Autumn abruptly cut him off, by storming happily in the room. At that I tilted my head slightly, letting more of my face out, yet still not making eye contact.
Autumn handed everyone’s drink out, and disappeared back to the kitchen, to return with some appetizers.
“Shouldn’t you check on her?” Autumn surprised me; she has been listening to what’ve been saying?
“Maybe . . .” Jack sighed, standing up. His sudden movements made me look up. It made me see how tired he looked, same counted to everyone sitting in this room. Bags under their nearly red eyes, paler skin, it looked unhealthy. Another shot, the gap became bigger and bigger. I felt blood spitting out, rolling on my clothes, but when I took a look, nothing was on me. At least not on my chest. I dropped the glass I was holding, being welcomed by a stabbing feeling in my open wound.
I bit my lip, my teeth, trying to suppress the agony. My hands needed something, something to give the same painful feeling I had, I grabbed the wheels of my chair, grabbing it so tight that it slightly started hurting too. My knuckles where white, completely white.
My heart was beating rapidly, and my breathing fastened. I tried so hard not to scream the whole apartment together, and I somehow managed to complete that mission. The hard-stinging pain slowly started fading away, and became something bearable, it still hurt, but I could put it aside so much easier.
Because of my pain, I hadn’t noticed that a slightly awkward conversation had started.
But I wasn’t really willing to listen, I had too much on my mind.
Two minutes of thinking and ignoring my family passed. A lot of things had flown past too, until one thing stopped me. Those letters!
I decided to wait, until Jack came back from wherever he was.
Two more minutes, and suddenly, I heard an unfamiliar laugh, a sound I was not really familiar with either.
“Say hello to Fleur Mia White.” At the sight of Jack’s daughter, I just went numb. I don’t know what went through me, but I just couldn’t function. I felt really cold for a second, and then so warm, it was really confusing, even scary to me.
I felt Jack’s presence suddenly behind me, making me unfreeze, I slowly, yet stiffly turned around. Being cautious of every movement I made.
Tears easily appeared in my eyes again, this little girl, my little niece, she was gorgeous, stunning. She had light brown hair, similar to mine, her face resembling Autumn’s and my mom’s. Her eyes weren’t visible yet, her long eyelashes hovering over her closed eyelids.
She had so many similarities to everyone in this room. My dreaming gaze was cut off, by Jack who carefully placed her in my arms, cutting me off guard. She was not heavy, not at all, but suddenly feeling the change in weight, was something to adjust to for a second.
Seeing this small sleeping creature lying in my arms, made me think even more about Jack’s words from earlier. I knew that he was right, but I didn’t want him to give up this beauty, his everything that he had. I got involved into this, because they chose me, we didn’t have a choice, while Jack had one. I didn’t know for how long I sat like that, but I suddenly noticed movement in my arms. I looked down to see Fleur wide-eyed looking up at me.
To my surprise a conversation was rolling, even some laughter was heard.
A few seconds of me staring in the beautiful hazel eyes off my niece, it was like a staring competition, that she won too. A lot of curiosity could be spotted in her eyes.
“Did these loud people wake you up, sweetie?” I mumbled, hugging the small kid closer to me protectively. “I am your aunty, aunty Alice. And even though, I just met you, I feel like we’re going to have so much fun and I will always love you, no matter what.” I was cooing, battling with tears, but managing to keep them in, not wanting Fleur to see me like this, at least not for the first time.
What Fleur did next surprised me, she just pressed her small body closer to mine and closed her eyes again. At that I just couldn’t keep it in anymore, a drop fell, no multiple drops fell. Not wanting to get Fleur wet, I fiercened my grip on her and hid myself in my pullover, whipping my tears and then coming out again. I continued doing that process over and over again, until the tears slowly dried on my face. Fleur was long asleep, making quiet sounds every once in a while.
“She really looks like you.” I heard someone say, bringing me back.
“Huh?” I hummed, peeking up from the gorgeous human being still curled up to me.
“I said that she really looks like you.” It was Levi talking, making me blush, seeing that she didn’t only get my attention, but everyone else’s too.
“No, sh- . . .” I wanted to complain, protest, but I was being stopped by just about everyone.
“Alice, we all think she looks so similar to you, she even does the same stuff you did when you were younger.” Will represented the whole table, making everyone except Kaleb nod lightly.
“She has your attitude.” Jack laughed. “As good as all your features. Alice, you can’t deny it, people on the street would think it’s your daughter instead of mine.” Jack laughed even harder, not seeming to really mean it.
The silence filled the room again, and his words, yet again made me think. I felt guilty even though I didn’t know why, the gap in my body became bigger and bigger, I had the feeling I would’ve been able to poke my hand right through it. It was a hole, a hole out of guilt, pain, anger, sadness, every single negative emotion. It was a gap that was really hard, nearly impossible to fix, it would be a scar for life.