Chapter 18 - New Questions
I was sitting on the bench. The rain drummed against the glass bus station. My heart was numb. It felt no pain, yet my thoughts were running with nonstop.
Mom, Audrie, Carlos, Ziri, Jaden, Joey, and even dad danced like wooden blocks in my head, bumping and falling at the edges only to get back up to pound even harder. My memory was a jagged line every up, purple every down, yellow crisscrossing. My head was heavy, I closed my eyes and visions flashed like on a film unraveling. A series of bolder than dimmer pictures confusing me.
Why? Why did everything have to happen?
“Why is my life a mess, why me, why?!”
I coughed looking at my watch, it was eleven o’clock. I needed to sleep. I did not want to think. Thinking was bad for me and it gives headaches.
I sounded like a baby and I hated myself for it. I went back home; it was eerie and ghostly. Mom was gone. She was watching innocent people suffer, but they can fend for themselves. I wanted to run away and hide forever. I remember once in school; I was found sneaking into the boys’ bathroom I was so embarrassed and hid in my locker for two periods. I hid until Jaden came and pulled my out, telling me I was not my mistakes and it is okay to make mistakes. You do not live with it, you are not your mistakes, you are your heart.
But I did not want to think of Jaden or anyone else for that matter. I went into bed with my wet clothes still on.
Do not think, I scolded myself. I remembered when I would tell myself to stop feeling so my eyes would not become purple, and my emotions should not rise. Do not think.
Not to think.
But a few thoughts snuck through my well-guarded mind and I fell into a restless sleep.