[Narrator] Everyone knows that cats and mice hate each other. That’s just a fact of life, and there’s no getting past it. So, naturally, when the two mice ran over Star Cat they were shaken up a little, but, at the same time, not entirely disappointed. It turns out, believe it or not, that the very two mice who were involved in the accident on that fateful day were the King and the Prince of Planet Swiss Cheese. What are the odds of that? Not very good, let me tell you! So, Star Cat is extremely unlucky, what with her never winning anything, always getting picked on by her brothers, being hit by hover cars…
[Time: 9:15 AM]
“Hey Narrator,” Star Cat yelled, “I can hear you!”
[Narrator] Oh that’s right. Sorry. Where was I? Ah, I remember! Okay, Cheesy King Mouse (CKM) is the ruler of Planet Swiss Cheese. He’s rather tall, dark, and handsome, and he always wears a robe complimented by a golden cheese crown. Not to mention, he has a very distinct mustache that sets him apart from most of the other mice on the planet. It actually looks like two sticks of uncooked spaghetti jutting out of his little mouse cheeks. On top of his ridiculous physical appearance, CKM exercises his kingly powers as much as possible. Not that I’m implying he’s a bad king or anything, but the citizens of Planet Swiss Cheese can’t even buy sunblock anywhere except for at the palace! Some mice need to travel far and wide so that they can make sure that they are protected from harmful UVA and UVB rays. It’s sad, but some rulers, like CKM, abuse their powers. His son though, Cheesy Moon Mouse (CMM), is a different story entirely. Well, almost entirely, that is, as CMM is the spitting image of his father. If you didn’t know any better it would be easy to think that they were twin brothers, minus the King’s menacing mustache. But all mice look alike, right? Ha ha! No, of course they don’t, but I bet all mice think we humans look alike. Anyways, CMM loves his dad and all, but he realizes that CKM can be crazy sometimes. He doesn’t agree with any of CKM’s policies, but he would like to change these policies when he becomes King and create a happy, convenient kingdom. So that one day, for example, mice might be able to travel down the street to the nearest convenient store and pick up a bottle of sunblock.
“Narrator, that’s enough talk about mice,” sighed Star Cat from inside her jail cell. “Can you help me find a way out of here please?”
[Narrator] She was locked in the dungeon of CKM’s palace on Planet Swiss Cheese.
“What?” asked Star Cat. She was obviously having trouble believing what she just heard me narrate.
Star Cat’s eyes grew huge with disbelief as she exclaimed, “I’m all the way on Planet Swiss Cheese! And why am I locked in a dungeon? How did I get here? Is this the prize for winning the race?”
[Narrator] Don’t panic, Star Cat, but some mice hit you with their hover car and were worried they would get into trouble. So, they brought you here. I’m not really sure why you’re locked up though.
“THEY hit me with a hover car. So, THEY should be locked up!” cried Star Cat as she looked around anxiously for her kidnappers. “Oh no,” she whispered, “then I missed the hoverboard race.” As she began to fully understand her situation, she covered her eyes she cried, “I’m never going to win anything.” Star Cat was becoming distraught, and while she was sobbing violently she managed to get her tongue stuck to one of the bars of her dungeon cell. This new sticky situation forced Star Cat to stop crying and ask, “Utt’s appening Arrator?”
[Narrator] I’m not really sure what’s happening Star Cat. It looks like your cell is made completely out of cheese. So, why would your tongue be stuck to it? And why would the mice make a prison out of solid cheese? Being stuck in a cell of cheese is more like heaven for a cat than a prison!
“Arrator, you’re ot elping me bery much!” yelled Star Cat as drool dribbled from her mouth.
[Narrator] Wait a minute. It is awfully cold down here. Maybe the cells are made from frozen cheese! Let me see here… [the Narrator walked over to one of the bars of Star Cat’s cell and tapped on it with her finger] …yep! This cheese is frozen solid, and I think the only way you’re going to get unstuck is by sucking on that bar to melt it.
With her tongue still stuck to the bar of frozen cheese, Star Cat smiled, looked up at me and said, “At ounds ike a pan!” I think she was trying to say, “That sounds like a plan!”
[Narrator] So, in an attempt to release herself from her icy prison, she sucked on the bar for a long time. I mean a LONG TIME. After a while, her tongue was finally free. Was your tongue really stuck that entire time?
“No but it tasted great, and look what happened to my lips!”
[Narrator] Star Cat’s lips were enormous. They were all swollen from the immense cold radiating through the dungeon cheese. So, taking full advantage of this moment, she sat in her cell making kissy faces at the icy-glass cheese walls, completely forgetting about her current situation as she gleefully watched her silly self.
Seemingly out of nowhere, a mouse guard appeared and yelled, “Ey!” He looked pretty mad. “You’re supposed to be begging for your life. Not making kissy faces!”
Star Cat reluctantly stopped making faces, looked up at the guard and asked, “Why would I beg for my life? Are those two mice that can’t drive going to run me over again if I don’t?”
[Narrator] You know, mouse guard, she really didn’t do anything.
“Awe that’s just horrible isn’t it?” said the guard sarcastically. Then, he walked over to my podium and angrily yelled, “SHUT UP, NARRATOR! You know you’re not even a real character in the story?”
[Narrator] I know that, and I also know that you’re really strong and handsome and would never hurt a lady with glasses who is just doing her job.
“Said the Narrator cowering in fear behind her podium,” said Star Cat making fun of me.
Then the mouse guard started getting really frustrated and yelled, “If you two nuisances don’t stop flapping your face-holes I’ll…well, I’ll…”
Standing up and putting her hands on her hips, Star Cat taunted the guard and asked, “You’ll do what?”
“I’ll have to send you and your pretty face downstairs to be tortured,” he said to Star Cat matter-of-factly.
“Oh really?” she said back.
Then, leaning down to meet Star Cat’s gaze through the dungeon cell bars, the guard sneered and whispered, “Try me.”
[Narrator] Okay Star Cat, enough is enough! Just be quiet and make the nice mouse guard happy so nobody has to be tortured, please!
With satisfaction, the mouse guard stood up and said, “You know, Cat, you should listen to your annoying narrator friend. Maybe there is something to her endless mumbling.”
[Narrator] Yeah, honestly Star Cat, I’m a person too, and I would appreciate it if you took me a little more seriously.
“Oh, wah, wah!” Star Cat said mocking me, “You’re a person too? That’s what everyone thinks.”
Confused about Star Cat’s last comment, the mouse guard looked at me and asked, “The Cat’s not the brightest, is she?”
[Narrator] No, not really.
Then, sympathizing with me, the Narrator, he said, “I’m so sorry that you have to put up with her all of the time.”
[Narrator] Well, somebody has to babysit…
“SHHHHHH! Now I’m getting annoyed!” yelled Star Cat clenching her teeth. Then she became distracted again as she caught her reflection in the wall and noticed that her lips were still really big.
[Narrator] The mouse guard proceeded to shake his head at Star Cat’s extremely short attention span. There was mostly silence between the three of us except for some small noises that Star Cat was making with her many different kissy faces. So, I did what anyone would have done. I asked the mouse guard the question that had been on both Star Cat’s and my mind since we arrived here. Well, Mr. Big-and-Strong-Mouse-Guard-Sir, would it be too much to ask if you would please let us go and pretend like you never saw anything?
“Yes, it would be way too much to ask, Ma’am,” said the very proud guard, “but thank you for calling me big and strong. You’re right, I certainly am rather muscular.” Then, as he stood there smiling to himself and flexing his muscles, I asked him to at least demonstrate how strong he was for me by picking up my heavy podium. “Okay,” said the guard enthusiastically, “not a problem lady.”
[Narrator] So, the mouse guard, with his big muscles, put his huge, manly fists around the base of my podium, and, with his awesome strength, managed to lift it high above his head, holding it like a trophy. He smiled at me as he listened to my amazing narrating skills, and, as he daydreamed about himself, he didn’t have even the slightest idea of what was about to hit him.
Surprised by my statement, the guard asked, “What did ye say?”
Quickly, I judo- kicked him in the face causing him to lose consciousness and fall to the floor! Wooooooo! How about that Mr. Big-and-Strong-Mouse-Guard-Sir? Wooooo! I feel so alive!
“Wow.” said Star Cat witnessing my awesome karate skills in action. “Alright Narrator, that was cool, but you know what would be cooler? If you would unlock my cell now, Mrs. Big-and-Strong-Narrator-Ma’am.”
[Narrator] Oh, right! I was so excited that I almost forgot about you, Star Cat. Ha ha ha ha…sorry. Let me see if this guard has any keys on him.
“Bending over the unconscious guard, the Narrator looked through all of his pockets, but she couldn’t find a thing,” said Star Cat narrating for me while I continued to search unsuccessfully for some keys.
[Narrator] What kind of guard doesn’t even have keys to the cells he’s guarding?
“There has to be some way you can get me out of here, quick, before someone else sees us, right?” Star Cat said as she grabbed the bars and shook them with the force of her entire body as she tried to break out, “Ugggghhhhhh! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!”
[Narrator] I’m just the narrator. I don’t know how to rescue you. I was only hired to dictate everything you say. I’m sorry, Star Cat.
“You’re the one telling the story, Narrator! Why don’t you just, I don’t know, start narrating that the guard has some keys in his pocket? Maybe some will appear.”
[Narrator] Now that’s an interesting thought to have Star Cat! You know it just might work. Okay, eh hem! The keys to Star Cat’s cell were in the guard’s pocket all along!
[Narrator] Suspense hung in the air as we waited to see if I could actually narrate some keys into existence.
After a few minutes of waiting Star Cat tapped her foot and asked, “Well?” with impatience.
[Narrator] Well, what?
“Well, are you just going to stand there, or are you going to go see if any keys appeared?”
[Narrator] That loud, “CLANG,” that came from somewhere over by the unconscious mouse guard sounded like something metal hitting the floor. Maybe some keys? Sure enough, as I leaned down and reached into the guard’s pocket, I found a beautifully crafted crystal key! I can’t believe that worked! Did I really make some keys appear, or were they in this pocket all along?
“Wow. That key is really pretty,” cooed Star Cat as she stared at the key I was holding. Her eyes grew really big as she asked, “Could you just hold that up a little closer to me so I can touch it?”
[Narrator] Have you forgotten that you’re still in a jail cell? Or does the kitty want to play with her new toy key?
Embarrassed because she knew she had lost her composure by acting like a common house cat, Star Cat stood up quickly, brushed off her fur, looked away from the key and asked me, “What’s taking you so long to get me out of here?”
[Narrator] Don’t you think that might have been too easy, Star Cat? You know, just narrating a key into existence? It looks like a special key. Maybe it doesn’t even open your cheesy jail cell. It looks like it’s made out of diamonds or something.
“No, I don’t think that was too easy at all, Narrator! The only downside to this is that now you’ve used up one of my few brilliant ideas. So, my brain will have to recharge for a while before I can come up with another one.” she said matter-of-factly.
[Narrator] Alright, that doesn’t sound like such a bad thing. Anyways, the extraordinarily pretty narrator placed the key into the lock on Star Cat’s cell-
“Ha ha ha ha ha!” Realizing that I was trying to abuse my narrating powers, Star Cat laughed at me and said, “Not everything you narrate can become true, Narrator. Like you being pretty for instance.” She fell down on the floor laughing and said, “No amount of narration can make that a reality. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
[Narrator] Hearing Star Cat mocking me, I stopped my initial attempt to unlock her cell to tell her something. You know I could leave you here forever, right? I could walk away right now and never come back.
Given that information, Star Cat suddenly stopped laughing, looked me in the eyes with the cutest kitty face she could muster, and apologized. I instantly forgave her adorable little face and then used the key to unlock her cell. As I pulled open the cell door, though, a deafening alarm started sounding throughout the dungeon, lights began flashing violently, and the door suddenly slammed shut again automatically. Star Cat rolled her eyes, covered her ears and yelled, “FIGURES!”
[Narrator] Here! Take the key! [Narrator threw the keys through the bars into Star Cat’s cell and ran back over to hide behind her podium] I’ve never spoken to you in my entire life!
“What a coward.” Star Cat said as she continued to hold her ears and roll her eyes.
[Narrator, yelling] Well at least I’m not afraid to get a little water on me! Who’s the coward now, kitty?
“Hey, I told you that in confidence!” yelled Star Cat as she hugged herself to stop the chills running up and down her spine from the thought of getting water on her. She then added pitifully, “Water is all wet, and it messes up my fur. It’s only good for drinking! Nothing else!”