[ Lauv - Don't Matter]
Since I woke up three days ago, mom and dad never leave my side. My friends also always come and bring me fruits and veggies. For Joel, he always come with flowers and I think I can build a mini garden to put all the flowers there. Oh yeah I forgot to mention about Piper. She came yesterday with mom and apologised to me. I didn't want to hold the grudge to long because I don't know when god will seriously take me. So I just make it simple and forgive her.
Of course Cherry and Hillary are against it but what can I do. I don't want to make her feel guilty forever. Also, she told me that she is pregnant with Willy's. Well I'm not surprised because she and Willy seems to love each other. I also hope that Willy will accept the child.
Right now, I'm waiting for the results of my current conditions. Even though I feel so weak and pain inside my body but I always act like I am fine because I want my parents and my friends not to worry about me. Well what I do, I'm have a cancer which is people will always ended up dead no matter what the doctor did. They're might be the cancer survivor but I don't think I will be the one. Feeling myself so weak every single day. I started planning for the worst, getting my affairs in order, making a will and telling my friends the news. Strangely, the doctor keep saying that I can fight this decease but looking that all this things just gonna makes my dad sad, I don't think I want to fight this. I think it better for me to go.
"Hey what are you thinking of?" My dad asks me..
"Hmm nothing but dad, if God come and take my life from you, will you promise me that you will continue your life also find your happiness."
"Why are you saying all this nonsense? My happiness are all with you and if you were gone means my happiness also go with you. So you need to be strong for me, your mom, your friends and also for Joel. I know you can honey." I look at him and prevent my tears to come out. I blink a few times so that the tears won't come out.
"Okay dad but let's just what if I-"
"Please honey I don't want to talk about this." I keep my mouth shut no to continue to talk to him about dead anymore.
"Umm dad, can I get discharge from here?" I asks.
"Why you want to be discharge?"
"I want to go to school, I want to hang out at the diner with my friends and laughing, I want to see outside because it's been too long since I last did all that. I miss it."
"Please dad.." He sigh and nods. "Yay I love you dad.."
"I will talk to your doctor later but now you need to rest."
My day just fill with more check up. All doctors that in charge of my me are doing their best to keep me alive. So, palliative chemotherapy and radiotherapy were the best options they ever made. I went through with all this kind of chemotherapy and after that they took at blood test on me. There's so much work to do.
One week later
I thought it would went well but I suffered nausea and vomiting and lost 5kg in a week. Today, I have to face the the second cycle of the chemotherapy but I experienced 3 Laryngeal spasms and a rash during treatment so the Irinotecan was stopped and hydro cortisone and Chlorpheniramine administered. The rash went after a couple of hours and I soon recovered from the spasms, although it was very frightening at the time, peripheral neuropathy remained a problem throughout my treatment. I can't believe I'm still alive through all this time and suffer.
All the people that I need to be by my side were here. I am so glad they all here to give me some strength. I am so happy after my dad told me that the doctor approved to discharge me from here but then, I have to come back after a week of freedom because I'm going to face my third cycle of chemotherapy. As long as I can spend time with my friends and family out of the hospital I'm okay with it. But looking at myself, at this stage, I was unsure if I should go on with the treatment as I was very down and still losing weight. I spoke to a nurse in the psycho-oncology service and decided to stop treatment and go for quality of life if the cancer had spread or there was no significant reduction in the size of the tumour but the nurse said that the they can't stop it just like that because the tumour might can be removed by all this treatment.
Before I can go out from the hospital, the doctor did the CT scan showed the best possible news, the tumour had shrunk by 6mm so I continued with the chemotherapy with fewer side effects as the drugs were administered more slowly. Apart from fatigue I felt better and tolerated the treatment well. "Alright, Ms. Nelson. We will meet you in one week. Hope you enjoy your one week." The doctor said and smile at me.
"Thank you doctor and I will enjoy my one week." I said and then my mom walk in.
"So shall we?" She said.
"We shall." I said and she hold my hand to help me get on the wheelchair. Yup I need a wheelchair to move around because my legs are not that strong like before for me to walk. It kind of sad but I need to accept all this. My mom push my out from the hospital and I feel so happy that I finally can see the tree, the birds, the sun and all. It feel so nice when the sun hit my skin. "Mom, can we go to the mall?"
"Yes, I want to buy a dress for my graduation that will be held in just one month. Can I?" I look at her and she nod her head. "Great."
"So what kind of dress do you want to wear on your graduation?" My mom asks as soon as we enter the mall.
"Well I want to wear a simple dress yet elegant so that Joel will happy when he look at me," I said and smiling to myself when I think about him.
"Hmm that's great. So let's go shopping." I feel so excited for it.
"Grey?" My mom asks when I decided to buy a grey dress.
"Why you didn't like it?" I asks her.
"Of course I love it, Adrienne but I think the red one would be nice too the design are the same but inly the colour are different. Right?"
"Well I pick grey because it close to black. I want people to remember me whenever they see this colour. I know it just a common colour but for me it is special for some sort of reasons." I said and I hear my mom clear her throat. "Are you okay mom?"
"Oh yeah I'm okay. Let's go and pay for it. Your friends must be waiting for you at home now." She said. She paid and give the bag to me.
"If I didn't make it to the graduation, please give this dress to Piper and makes she wear it. She will look so gorgeous in this."
"Don't say that Adrienne. I know you will go to the graduation." She said.
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Much love from me