Frozen Dick

Dick Danger was fishing in December of 1775, at an inlet on the New Jersey coast with Ted Greene. He and Ted had met raiding a British outpost, and had mysteriously woke up together in a clearing with Ted complaining of his buttocks hurting. Both men decided they would not mention it to anyone. Dick was recently married to Doe Eyes, and didn’t need anything to ruin that for him.

On this day though, the two men weren’t paying attention to their surroundings, and a British patrol came upon them intent on arresting them for catching the King’s fish. But upon being startled by the Redcoats, Dick grabbed his rifle, and immediately fell into the freezing waters of the inlet, hitting his head. The unconscious Dick sank beneath the waters, froze and was pulled out to sea by the currents.

His frozen state became progressively worse as various currents sent him northward, eventually freezing him ice. Somehow this didn’t kill him, but merely preserved him. The tiny iceberg he had become slowly drifted further out through the North Atlantic, and he didn’t even notice the blue lightning that encircled him during a terrible storm.

He had travelled through time before, being one who was somehow prone to it. Dick had visited Ancient Babylon and although he couldn’t remember it he had been to the year 2318 with Ted before they ended up in the clearing. This time he would get to sleep through the ride. This time would take him to 28 AD. Here he would meet the Frisii.

Dick washed ashore on the west coast of what would one day be Holland. There he sat thawing out for a while, before a small band of warriors led by Rakharo the Sorcerer came looking for him. Rakharo was one hundred and seventy years old, and had been in seclusion for most of his life learning magic and focusing on this one particular prophecy.

With Rakharo was the exiled Frisii leader King Hafþór, who hated the Romans more than any man alive, as they had murdered his family. Steelshanks, the mighty warrior with armor reinforced braces on his badly injured legs. Warg, the ogre warrior who had chosen to stand with the northern humans against the Romans, felt a strange kinship to this band of humans. And then there was Obara the Elven Princess who had banded them all together.

The plan was simple enough. Find Him without a Time, travel the Ley Lines to the Enchanted Forest, bravely face the challenges, find the Fire of Destiny, and turn the tide of battle against the Romans.

Rakharo led them straight to Dick, and found him with his rifle still clutched in his hand, coonskin cap still on his head, and an apparent erection that Obara noticed right away. They carried him into the forest where they made camp.

In the camp they put him in a sort of tarp shelter made of bear skins with a fire near the opening. There Obara was to tend to healing him, which made every man in the group more than a little jealous. Her prescription for healing him was to keep him warm throughout the night, and to give personal attention to making the swelling in his groin go down. The healing process sounded a lot like lovemaking, and everyone had trouble getting to sleep that night except for Dick.

The next morning Dick woke from his very long nap, not sure of what had happened, why he had an erection that wouldn’t go down, or why a naked girl with pointed ears was wrapped around him beneath a pile of furs.

He woke the girl and asked who she was, and who said something that sounded like she was speaking German, and began making love to him. He couldn’t help but wonder what he said, and if this was all he ever had to do in the first place in order to get sex.

When she finished, she seemed pleased, but also annoyed that he still had an erection. He tried to tell her that he had enjoyed having sex with her, but she couldn’t understand him. Taking a strange crystal from a pouch, she placed it on his tongue and closed his mouth, and then she kissed him and moved the crystal to her mouth.

“You are a very beautiful young lady, and I love all of the attention I’m getting, but I don’t even know your name, and of course you can’t understand a word I’m saying can you?” he said.

“I can now; we have given each other our tongues.” she replied. “I will have to do more about that swelling of yours. If it continues it could injure you.”

“I have an idea about that. Let’s give each other our tongues again, but in a way I am fond of.” he told the girl, before teaching her the joys of mutual oral sex.

Later, when everyone else finally felt like getting up, Steelshanks killed a boar for breakfast. Introductions were made all around, and after breakfast Rakharo dried Dick’s powder, and removed the rust from his weapons while Obara gave Dick more “medical attention”, and they stripped the camp before departing for a portal to the Ley Lines.

The portal was well hidden in an overgrowth of vegetation, where five rune stones lay upon the ground. Once inside the area outlined by the stones, Rakharo uttered some words from an ancient tongue. Suddenly they found themselves in a tunnel of swirling light. The tunnel shot forward in a straight never-ending shaft. They sped along like gliding instead of walking, at a pace faster than being on horseback.

They emerged in a southern region of Germania, in a place known to some as the Black Forest. Rakharo got his bearings and uttered another ancient incantation. Massive trees shifted their roots in the ground to make clear the path ahead. The party proceeded down the path, some feeling awkward about all of the use of magic.

Through the forested area that allowed very little light in, and everything seemed haunted about the whole wooded region. Finally they reached two trees standing guard besides each other in the middle of nowhere. Rakharo stepped between them and disappeared. Dick walked around both trees in a circle, seeing for himself that the old sorcerer had not simply hidden behind one, and after his inspection, followed the old man.

Everyone else followed as well, and soon found themselves in a forest of luminescent streams, rainbow colored leaves, where unicorns ran free. They walked along, crossing a bridge that formed out of vines before their eyes, and would have held a carriage pulled by six horses and down a wooded path lit by fireflies.

Dick was sure that he had eaten something bad, and was suffering the effects. They entered a fantastic jeweled city, where the children and adults all looked like Obara. The King of the Elves himself strode forth to greet them, and most importantly his daughter Obara. The king had heard of Dick through the network of fae folk across Europa.

“And this must be Dick. Your reputation precedes you, sir.” the king said, making a joke of Dick’s swelling which hadn’t gone down.

That night after a great feast, they all bedded down for the night. Obara of course took Dick to her rooms, and proceeded to keep the city awake while trying to fix his swelling.

“Obara, I don’t know how I got here, or even when here is, but I have a wife I must one day go back to.” Dick told the girl, hoping to be honest with her, but to avoid hurting her.

“Dick, it is next to impossible for you to go home now, and she probably thinks you to be dead. For now you are mine, but if you ever do find a way back home, I will not stop you.” Obara told her new love.

The next morning they were up, and off to face their challenges. The first challenge revealed itself in runes scrawled upon a tree as they left the elf city.

The first to bar you from where you go is your most hated common foe.

Winding through a canyon of turquoise rock they found an encampment of thirty Roman soldiers, who had become lost in the Enchanted Forest. The only way through was to fight. Dick decided to test his rifle for function, and shot a Roman who was perched upon a fallen branch.

Steelshanks and King Hafþór led the charge into battle, Steelshanks ramming into the first man he encountered, knocking the man into his friend’s spear. Rakharo lifted the majority of the Romans into the air, and placed them high in a tree. King Hafþór felled most of what was left, with Steelshanks and Warg picking up the pieces.

“Rakharo, fetch me those you put up in the tree. My axe and sword cry out for more blood. Hear them? We want more blood.” Hafþór said in his best puppet voice.

But Hafþór was wounded, and wouldn’t be good for any more battles. With his arm placed in a sling, they proceeded on. That afternoon they stopped for lunch, ate jerky and told jokes. Hafþór started the jesting with his favorite.

“Four men suddenly get into a bar brawl. The barkeep yells out “Stop it at once! This fight is pointless!” “I hope so.” one of the combatants replies. “We’re clerics.” Hafþór said, laughing at his own joke so loud, he didn’t notice whether anyone else laughed or not.

“A guy walks into a tavern and announces loudly: “Ok guys, I got bad news and good news. Bad news is, this tavern is surrounded by elves. Good news is, it’s only women!” Warg said, his joke not amusing Obara who got up and left dragging Dick behind her to work on his swelling some more.

“A blind wizard walks into a bar, finds his way to a stool and sits down. He says rather loudly to the barkeep, “Hey, would you like to hear a gnome joke?” The bar goes silent and the barkeep replies, “Sir, I will not lie to you, you are speaking to a gnome, the man behind you is Sidart from Gnomeville, the woman to your right is a gnome dueling champion and we all have our swords drawn. Do you really want to continue?” The blind wizard goes silent for a moment before curtly replying, “Not if I’m going to have to explain it 3 times.” Rakharo said.

“How many adventurers does it take to light a torch? Steelshanks asked, but no one answered. “Five in the first book, ten in the second, and fifteen by the third. They won’t finish lighting it in until the ninth book, after they’ve united the mortal races, reforged the artifact of power, and ended the civil war.”

“Obara, do you have anything funny to add?” Rakharo asked, having not noticed her leave.

“Oh Goddess, thank you for sending me this man with the mighty staff! Obara screamed out from behind some rocks. This of course had the others laughing hysterically.

Later that day they came upon a bridge across a chasm, guarded by twenty ogres. Warg handled this challenge by going down to his brothers, and challenging them to a rousing game of dwarf tossing, and off they went to find some dwarves, leaving the bridge unguarded so the others could cross. Hafþór stayed on the far side of the bridge to wait for Warg, should he happen to catch up.

Little did they know it, but Warg and his brothers didn’t find any dwarves, so the contest became ogre tossing, and they took turns tossing each other for distance. Warg did so good that he won a wooden plate, twelve rusted steel ale mugs, a knife and a fork.

Next they came upon a house in a clearing, and an old woman standing out front. The woman was a witch, and was their next challenge. Rakharo stepped forward to battle the witch as the others went on.

Rakharo battled the witch with magic, first spraying her with water from his sleeves, only to discover that she wasn’t that kind of witch. The witch countered with vultures, but with a wave of Rakharo’s hand, the only thing that came near him was the feathers. The witch came back with ice from her hands, but Rakharo melted it with fire. Then he had a good idea, and suddenly the witch was surrounded by thirty little black kittens, needing attention.

“So unfair.” the witch said.

Then they came to the giant. The brute stood thirty hands tall, was angry, and had the foulest breath any of them had ever smelled. Steelshanks charged the giant by himself, shouting back to the others to go on without him.

Steelshanks ran right between the giant’s legs, then turned back and grabbed a lace of each shoe. Before the giant knew what was going on, he had tied the giant’s shoes together. Then he ran around the giant until it tripped.

Finally it was just Dick and Obara who entered the cave of the Fire of Destiny. Inside the cave they found it guarded by a warrior nymph. Obara went forward to fight the nymph herself, but soon found that the nymph was stronger than her, and found herself pushed back to the wall of the cave. Dick attempted to help her and grabbed the nymph from behind.

“Is that the hilt of your sword barbarian, or are you seeking a different kind of battle?” the nymph asked Dick, feeling his erection pressed against her.

“That is his swelling that won’t go down. I have tried almost everything.” Obara told the nymph.

“Not everything.” said the nymph. “I’m Daea. Perhaps if we tried together?”

The girls stopped fighting and Obara asked, “What about you guarding the Fire of Destiny?”

“You can’t get in there anyway.” Daea said pointing to the riddle on the wall.

In a dilemma you are now caught, now you’ve found what you sought.

Forget everything you’ve been taught, you’ll be failed by conscious thought.

“Surely you know how to get in there?” Dick asked.

“Honey they don’t tell me nothing but guard this. Now let’s see to that swelling.” Daea said, as she and Obara commenced to undress him. Their lovemaking was loud enough to keep the others from entering the cave, and went on for about an hour. Finally, both girls collapsed out of exhaustion, but having accomplished reducing his swelling.

But the first thing Dick needed to do was pee, and walked off to do just that.

“Careful of the invisible wall.” Daea said.

“What, I don’t see an ivisi…..” Dick said as he walked right into it. He fell forward through the wall, knocked out cold.

When he woke up, Obara was calling to him.

“Dick, go to the flame, and say what I say.” Obara told him.

“Oh, Fire of Destiny. I do humbly beseech of thee. Aid the people of the Frisii, and lead them on to victory.” Dick repeated what Obara said.

Which leads us to the Battle of Baduhenna Wood which was battle fought near Heiloo, Netherlands in 28 AD between the Frisii and a Roman army led by Roman General Lucius Apronius. The Frisii once led by Drusus in 12 BC against the Rhine Germans and the Chauci, were a fierce people. The Romans did not attack them after devastating the lands of the Rhine Germans, but merely passed through their territory and along their coast in order to attack the Chauci.

The accounts say that the Frisii were “won over”, suggesting a Roman suzerainty was imposed. When Drusus brought Roman forces through Frisii lands in 12 BC and “won them over”, he placed a moderate tax on them. However, a later Roman governor raised the requirements and exacted payment, at first decimating the herds of the Frisii, then confiscating their land, and finally taking wives and children into bondage. By AD 28 the Frisii had had enough. They hanged the Roman soldiers collecting the tax and forced the governor to flee to a Roman fort, which they then besieged.

According to Tacitus: “As soon as this was known to the propraetor of Lower Germany, Lucius Apronius, he summoned from the Upper province the legionary veterans, as well as some picked auxiliary infantry and cavalry. Instantly conveying both armies down the Rhine, he threw them on the Frisii, raising at once the siege of the fortress and dispersing the rebels in defence of their own possessions. Next, he began constructing solid roads and bridges over the neighbouring estuaries for the passage of his heavy troops, and meanwhile having found a ford, he ordered the cavalry of the Canninefates, with all the German infantry which served with us, to take the enemy in the rear. Already in battle array, they were beating back our auxiliary horse as well as that of the legions sent to support them, when three light cohorts, then two more, and after a while the entire cavalry were sent to the attack. They were strong enough, had they charged altogether, but coming up, as they did, at intervals, they did not give fresh courage to the repulsed troops and were themselves carried away in the panic of the fugitives. Apronius entrusted the rest of the auxiliaries to Cethegus Labeo, the commander of the fifth legion, but he too, finding his men’s position critical and being in extreme peril, sent messages imploring the whole strength of the legions. The soldiers of the fifth sprang forward, drove back the enemy in a fierce encounter, and saved our cohorts and cavalry, who were exhausted by their wounds. But the Roman general did not attempt vengeance or even bury the dead, although many tribunes, prefects, and first-rank centurions had fallen. Soon afterwards it was ascertained from deserters that nine hundred Romans had been cut to pieces in a wood called Baduhenna’s, after prolonging the fight to the next day, and that another body of four hundred, which had taken possession of the house of one Cruptorix, once a soldier in our pay, fearing betrayal, had perished by mutual slaughter.” The Annals, Book 4.72 (23-28 C.E.)

For whatever reason, the Romans did not seek revenge and the matter was closed. The prestige of the Frisii among the neighboring Germanic tribes was raised considerably.

Dick had to be knocked out again in order to get back out, which was more difficult since he didn’t want to be knocked out, so they finally threw a rope to him to tie around his waist, and waited for him to fall asleep before pulling him out.

The band of adventures went their separate ways and on to other adventures. Obara took Dick home with her, hoping to make him her King, when she inherited the crown from her father in another 3000 years or so.