This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.
“Until the day I die, I’ll never forget those glassy, unblinking eyes.” I said, “I tell you now dear girl, there are some things that just stay with you! Like Dürer’s portrait of Krel – Gods! The look on that mans face, I almost feel constipated myself”
A shudder went through me as the image of that Nurembergian accountant crossed my mind, I could almost feel my sphincter clench in anticipation of creating trouble for me. The greatest war a man fights is with his own body, of that you can be certain!
“I understand sir! …I think…” said my new intern as she stumbled keeping up, “But what does that have to do with this?”
Leela was a bright young girl and had shown a certain…spark… in her writings, so I selected her. But it was clearly going to take a lot of work to bring that spark to the surface before I could even think about starting any fires!
“EVERYTHING and nothing Leela dear, everything and nothing. If you’re to be a Mathemagician, you need to remember that it’s all about knowing all and knowing nothing!”
With my usual flair I strode forth to the so-called ‘crime scene’, just barely avoiding a lovely little surprise left for my by the universe via one of it’s bovine agents. Frankly my morning had been troublesome enough without that contributing to it. Upon entering the theatre, my young protege gasped to a stop before hurrying to catch up, I must admit, I enjoy having younglings around, nothing quite like that sense of wonder to stoke the fires within oneself. As we strode down toward the stage I continued my analysis/lesson from where I had left off.
“For instance: Before us we have this Chevy Impala floating merrily over the stage, quite remarkable! Now while it makes a lovely addition and would be an inspired choice to use in their next performance of the Ramayan – (can you imagine Ram and Laxman using this to travel around and fight demons? Marvelous!) – I imagine that’s not what anyone was intending to do with it. Proof of this is that the good police-men have traced to be one missing for the past week from a drive-way in Paris, Texas. Splendid isn’t it?”
“But how did it get here? How is it floating? Why?” she blurted, all muddled and uncertain.
“Exactly! Now you are asking questions, but remember to ask as many as you can think of and if they don’t solve your problem – think of some more!”
“I’ll try Doctor…”
“Good girl! Now, look here, there’s surface damage to the body on the drivers side – combine that with the fact that the position is static and factoring in it’s position, height and engine being off, we have facts but no conclusion. BUT! Upon my inquiring via the police, the owner had the key and the car was parked for the night – no visible damage to the key-hole outside or inside and we can suppose that it was partially pushed (or pulled!) out of the regular flow of spacetime and as the Earth spun on it’s axis and moved around the sun as its right, well…”
“Well what?!” said Leela and the policemen who had gathered behind her simultaneously.
“Oh right! Well it’s clearly been frozen for just a few mere moments, locked in one position in violation of the all natural laws and is here only as a result of whatever held it in place letting go!”
“And the damage Doctor?”
“Oh that? That’s a side-effect, while it was out of sync with the rest of the universe (lucky thing!), the world passing it by must have been just close enough to sort of… graze it.”
I looked back at them all, pleased with my handiwork and deductions, only to be greeted by blank and confounded faces just about processing what I had said. It was not their fault and so I heaved a sigh, kept my stiff upper lip and carried on.
“Well that’s that gentlemen – and lady.”
“What is? What are we to do with it?” piped a slightly bright looking fellow from amidst the crowd.
“Oh the car! Yes, just leave it a while, whatever locked it is slowly fading, should crash back down in a few hours – maybe some cushioning? I’ll be in touch with the local Mathemagician in that neck of the woods and with a little luck, we’ll have our merry prankster in no time! Come along now Leela, we have much to do and little time to do it!”
Flik: Hi! ^.^ huge fan of yours on ff.net! When I saw the note about this contest on The Way We Smile, I couldn't help but rush over here, create an account, and vote! XD Seriously love this story and would recommend it to anyone! :D best FT fanfiction out there. Amazing story, amazing concept that wa...
CurlyRed: I read this entire book in just under 4 hours I COULD NOT PUT IT DOWN! i found myself emotionally attached to the characters and making personal connections that i had never experienced before while reading a book! I was constantly wanting to read more, every chapter left me on a cliff hanger tha...
Dru83: This is perhaps my favorite part of the Olafson story just because it is here that were are introduced to his "gang". The characters are so diverse and complicated that each of them could just about spawn their own story. Eric's buddies are just so captivating and the plot just rolls along. Again...
Rebeccaseal: This was an almost perfect story that I would recommend to anyone. The only thing I would work on is painting a more realistic picture of Haiathiel. Somehow the environment seemed limited, and the land itself a bit unfinished. This can be solved simply by added descriptions to people and places. ...
Jasmine Chow: As I read this story, I was reminded some what of Terry Pratchett, especially some descriptions of politics and economics. The sci-fic setting is quite intriguing. Writing style is quite lovely and grew on me slowly. I was also slightly reminded of Mark Twain, especially his book A Connecticut Ya...
summerstone: Seriously this is one of the best books I've ever read. The plot is intriguing, I love the narrative style. Its very descriptive and unique, with minimal cliches. It makes for a great read and the sequels are amazing. Totally worth reading. ^^ That's me trying to be professional. But in all hones...
Dru83: This is the second or third time I've read this one and I just love it. It has just about everything you could ever want packed into one scifi story. It still has some parts that are a little rough in terms of grammar, punctuation, and word usage, but it's still an awesome story. I love how detai...
ianwatson: The comedy is original and genuinely funny, I have laughed out loud many times reading this book. But the story and the plot are also really engaging. The opening two or three chapters seem quite character-dense but they all soon come to life and there is no padding, filling or wasted time readin...
FreakyPoet: "you made me laugh, made me cry, both are hard to do. I spent most of the night reading your story, captivated. This is why you get full stars from me. Thanks for the great story!"
Sara Joy Bailey: "Full of depth and life. The plot was thrilling. The author's style flows naturally and the reader can easily slip into the pages of the story. Very well done."