Chapter 1
The sun was in the middle of the sky. I stared up at the sky through my sunglasses as I tried to do what my doctor recommended, meditate. That was going great. My mind is still running circles around the same topic for the past three hours.
My phone buzzed and I pulled out. Lilly sent a message asking if I was okay. I sent one back to her saying I was fine and put the phone down. She was the one who said I should take time off. My manager wasn’t too happy about but who cares what he thinks. He thought it was reasonable for me to only spend a week to mourn over my family’s death. A total a-hole.
Another ping and I sat up in frustration. She sent me a link of a route covering the top to bottom of the UK. I sent a question mark back. She texted me to say that I should travel within the UK, babbling about how I should see the country than sit at home all day. I rolled my eyes at her and got up.
Lilly’s a great friend, she’s the reason I put up with working at the company. We both finished university on the same course and worked at the same company for the past 7 years. We travelled together but lately, we have been so busy we haven’t had time to do the things we used to. Especially since she got married, I didn’t want to impose on her life too much. When she moved out, I went back home. Sure the travelling is longer, but it felt better than living alone.
I looked at the house. The four-bedroom house meant for 5 people but now only one person lives. I stood as I stared at the victorian house. The house suffocated me. Every day I walked past my parent’s, my brother’s and my sister’s room. Yet it was exactly the same way it was. Lilly had moved some things away, like their toothbrushes. She said whenever I was ready I can start to move the rest of things out. No, this house can’t be changed.
I took a deep breath and entered back into the house. It was silently suffocating. I could hear the large roman clock going tik tok. I poured cold water to cool myself. May surely can’t be this hot. Sunny yes but not hot enough to be heating up. The climate change movement were right, the earth was getting hotter. Maybe the sea will rise soon. I wouldn’t mind that, I could die easier that way. Drown inside this house as my life slips away.
Yes... I could easily throw myself into the river and drown. But the issue is my body would get discovered. Then the locals would know about it and my family would yet again be the talk of the town. Perhaps that option won’t work.
My brain went quiet for a moment and I felt the silence again. I moved over to the kitchen counter to turn on the radio 4. I tuned in for a moment as they spoke about vegans. I stifled a yawn back.
I went back onto my phone and opened Google. Googling ways to die shouldn’t be a problem right. I mean, if I’m going to kill myself no harm in people later knowing that. At least it’d rule out that I was killed or something.
Suicide prevention instead appeared. Not again. I entered a forum instead. They stated pretty obvious things. Hang yourself. I mean that is a possibility but then how long will it be until someone found my body. Plus I didn’t want my body to cook in the house during the heat. Pills? I don’t have access to strong enough drugs nor do I want to get addicted to drugs. Painkillers are an option but I didn’t want to get my pump stomached if someone managed to catch me. Bleed myself in the bathtub? Dying in this house didn’t feel right, I’ve had happy memories. I should do it elsewhere, somewhere far away so if I died I’d keep my memories of this town and house happy.
Wait what was that place Lilly sent me. John o’Groat? That’s by the coast. I could go to the coast and kill myself. It’d be an instant death by the cliff. There are hardly cliffs here at Southend, it’s too pretty and flat. There’s also Land’s end. I think Land’s end is the better option since the water is at least warmer. I won’t have to freeze my ass off whilst dying.
My phone rang out again. I forgot to respond to Lilly.
“Hello,” I said once I picked up.
“Hello yourself stranger. What’s with the delayed response? I’m the one working here.” She said, slightly out of breath.
“I was looking at the link you sent me,” I told her. Partial truth. I did get sidetracked though.
“Oh right. You should definitely do that. I mean, its spring, the trees are blossoming. There’ll be beautiful sights to see.” She explained. “Paul was the one who mentioned it by the way. He said he did it in a week and stopped at a few places. I’m sorry but Rod saying he needs me to stay for at least a month. We can go together next month?”
I scrunched my nose at that, our manager Rod is such a baby, he needs always needs either of us at a time which sucked when we wanted to go on holiday. He should employ more senior programmers if there’s so much work to do.
“It’s fine, I’ll go by myself.” I insisted her. It’d be harsh to drag her along then try to kill myself. I didn’t want to give her the pain I’m suffering now.
“Are you sure? There are always other people, your cousins or friends?” She suggested.
“No, honestly I think I need my own space.” My cousins weren’t close enough to travel like that, plus they were all young so it’d feel like I’m taking care of them.
Lilly huffed, “okay, update your journey on your blog. You haven’t updated in forever. Your Instagram is flooded with questions asking where you are.”
I pursed my lips. She wasn’t wrong. I haven’t updated anything since the accident. The comments were all the same.
Where are you?
Did she forget her login details?
I heard she’s dead.
“So make sure you update your fans and take beautiful pictures. We need something for us working people to feel happy about.” Lilly brought me out of my thoughts.
I teared up at her support. She is the only person I call family. Always pushing me to do better.
“Okay.” I agree with her.
_____________________________________________
Lilly came through the front door with the spare keys I gave her. I knew it was her because no one else would come over so late at night.
She came in, wearing her work attire. Loose jeans, a black shirt and a grey zipped jumper. She dressed too casual for someone with a senior position. I felt sorry for her, her dark hair was dishevelled her eyes were sported with eyebags. In honest truth, she deserved the break not me.
“I don’t know how much you paid to catch a train at such short notice.” She said as she there herself on the grey couch.
I walked over to the fridge and grabbed her favourite drink, Pepsi. She thanked me and cracked her drink open.
“You know I received a lot for the life insurance,” I told her and sat next to her.
“Seriously though, why now?” She asked.
“Why not? Life’s about spontaneity. Plus I think it’s easier to travel north at night, so I get there by the early morning.” I explained to her. Again partial truth. I didn’t want to back out of this suicide plan.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Well you’re a big girl, so look after yourself. Remember what I told you, groin, neck, eyes.” She pointed to each part of the body. “Boobs if they’re a woman.” She added.
I smiled for the first since... I can’t remember when. Lilly’s happiness was contagious.
“Thanks,” I said to her. “I’ve left some money for you in ottoman.” I pointed to the red ottoman bench in the corner of the living. “It’s in case you need to pay if there’s damage or fixing needed.”
Lilly narrowed her eyes, “you’re only going away for a week. I doubt anything’s gonna happen in that time.”
“Treat it as an emergency. It’s in a safe anyways. The pin is 1102.” I told her.
She smiled, “Nice, it’s really been ten years huh?”
I nodded, we graduated in 2011, which sometimes feels like a lifetime away.
“I want cute postcards and selfies. Please, as great as your photography is I need to see your face.” She asked.
“Maybe one.”
“One would be a miracle for me.” She exaggerated.
I rolled my eyes at her.
“My trains leaving in like 40 minutes. I need to catch the bus.” I reminded her. She got up with her drink in her hand.
“That’s all you’re taking?” She asked shocked.
“Yup.”
All I needed were a few clothes, my iPad, camera and chargers. They all fit into my rucksack.
“Don’t tell me you plan on buying things for one time use?” She suspected.
And she suspected correctly. There was no point carrying around a suitcase that can easily get nicked.
“Here’s the keys.” I handed her all my keys, to the house, car and shed.
“What?” She looked even more confused. “You need these later.”
“Maybe.” I replied. This time telling a half-lie.
Even though she suspected me, she took my keys. I opened my arms for a hug and held her tightly.
“Thank you Lilly, thank you so much.”
