Super Dad

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The next thing I knew, I was waking up in what I think was a car. I wasn’t sure. I still felt woozy from the drug of the dart and tried to sit up to see where I was. I got about an inch and couldn’t move any further. I felt something holding my hands together. I couldn’t move my head very much, but lowered my eyes and saw they were bound to a steering wheel with duct tape! Then I figured out why I couldn’t move my head. My neck was duct-taped to the head rest of the driver’s seat. With all this against me, my mouth was duct-taped shut – I couldn’t even holler for help. Both my feet were going in the same direction, or so it felt. I couldn’t see down there, but sure-as-shootin’, they were tied up, too. Holy mob hit – was I gonna sleep with the sharks?

Somehow the car started on its own – ingenious – a remote starter. I keep meaning to get one for my car. I heard a hissing sound and smelled something funny, then I saw some kind of gas blow all over the inside. CAR EXHAUST! They’re trying to POISON me!

This can’t be happening, I’m inhaling poison gas and my daughter’s in the hands of some heinous hobo. What to do? Think You’re always solving tech problems for your clients and this is one heck of a tech problem. My hands were bound in such a position that I couldn’t reach down and try to tear the tape away, so I’d have to tear it off with my teeth.

But my head is stuck in place and my mouth is sealed up, too. First thing, breathe through my mouth on the tape. It dilutes the glue and it’ll fall off. I somehow managed to pry my mouth open and I started chewing, breathing on the tape and moving it around with my lips til I could spit it off. I took a breath – “awesome, one down and 50 more to go”. Now holding my breath, I pushed my head as far out as I could, hoping to loosen the tape around my neck. A 225-pound ball-playing body of solid muscle could tear a lousy set of molecules. I hunched my shoulders up and pushed forward for all I was worth. Holy Lamaze class, that’s it! – PUSH, just like my wife did when she gave birth to Sammy, whose rescue depends on my getting myself out of this jam. That alone gave me all the strength I needed and I was able to snap some of the tape apart. What didn’t give way right away I wrestled with until it just fell by the wayside.

Before I knew it, I was free – free to bite off the tape that bound my hands. I bit and wrestled over and over until I managed to snake one hand out of the trap. BAM! I punched out the car window. Then I tore away the other pieces of tape and leapt out of the car a free man.

What now? I ran out of the garage and saw these two freaks drag my daughter into a cab. I jumped into my car and sped off after them. I can’t even tell you how fast or how far we were driving. I had no idea where we were, I was just focused on the back of that car ahead of me. The kidnapper’s partner stuck her head out and looked in my direction, then took a gun out and started shooting at me. She was a bad shot, she kept missing me, then the bullets started bouncing off the windshield. Thank God for strong glass. I was afraid this wouldn’t last long. Each time she took a shot, I jerked my head back and forth and ducked down. I couldn’t see where I was going and was afraid if this kept up, I’d have an accident.

Accident! Crash! Of course! Why didn’t I think of this before? Run the car off the road, reach in, grab my daughter, and take off. I started ramming the cab. I hit it a couple of times and every time it changed lanes to get away from me, I followed it and rammed it again. I read the phone number of the cab company and called their office while in pursuit. Shots or no shots, I had to stay on it. I yelled, “cab number 43 has my daughter in it – the passengers are kidnappers and they’re shooting at me – call the cops right away!”

Then I barreled over to the other lane and tried running the cab off the road. The driver finally gave up and pulled over onto a shoulder and stopped. The kidnapper staggered out and was still armed and was still taking shots at me, I ducked for cover behind my door. She came closer, still shooting, and I slammed the door into her, knocking the gun out of her hand. I picked it up and saw the maniac getting out and trying to run off –WITH MY DAUGHTER.

I ran after him and put my martial arts training to good use as I jumped up and kicked him so hard in the head it must’ve knocked his eyes out. Sammy ran sobbing into my arms. I picked her up, squeezed her – I was never gonna let her out of my sight again. The road was filled with squad cars and gawkers. I let Sammy back down on her feet and took her hand and we walked back to my car as onlookers applauded. I smiled, nodded to all of them and waved. Then I heard this really smooth, soothing voice with dulcet tones announce something about a performance of Holst’s “Planets” symphony, recorded last summer at Millennium Park. I thought it was weird and wondered where that was coming from. Maybe I had the car radio on and didn’t realize it in my pursuit.

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