Learning To Love Again

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Chapter 5

The same month we went home I started getting closer with my dad and he saw me as daddy’s little girl and I didn’t see it as a problem and my mom was at work till 6:30pm so I grew more closer with my dad than with my mom because she was working a lot. My dad looked after four kids alone while my mom worked and this is how things were for my family for a good while and even before we got taken twice in less than two years. This was the time of my life where I was trying to find my worth and it was awkward time of my life because my siblings found their worth at a later age but I was trying to find it but couldn’t then finding out the way I found my worth later in life was right beside me the whole time. If someone said “Fairlee-Bree the place you will find you worth in a place of worship”. I would have found my worth earlier than I did and easier also. When I found my worth I couldn’t believe it because it took me more than three years to find it and if I told my younger self I wouldn’t have learned so much along the way and if I told my younger self the answers or gave my younger self the map my worth wouldn’t be as clear as it is today. When I was still in an awkward stage of finding my worth me and Lincoln were taken again and I saw fear on Lincoln’s face that’s when he knew I was right a few months back and I was scared when he looked at me with his new perspective of fear. We arrived at paige and Dylan’s house and when I went in I saw a little girl and she said: “Hello I m Desiree”. Me still being in my state of confusion that I was in I said to her. “Hello, I’m Fairlee-Bree”Desiree looks at me for a minute and she says, “Hi Fa-airlee Bree” desiree said not pronouncing the first letter of my first name and I had to laugh when she said Lincoln’s name or should I say Incoln and when I laughed at him he said. “Airlee-Bree what are you laughing at?” I was a smart and replied to him “I’m not laughing at anything Lincoln.” This went back and forth till we heard Paige because we are still scared and this time she was nice for more than 2 days and there was a baby there also named Halley she was so cute. Halley left a few months later. A little bit after that a boy came to his name was James and he was in grade two and I was in grade five and he was bigger and taller than me and at this moment I thought he was worth more than me but in reality we were worth the same in gods eyes. I never realized that I was worth more than I thought and I kept putting others before myself so that I could cover myself if anything goes wrong in the process of finding my worth. Paige never wanted me to find myself or my worth because she didn’t want me to be worth anything I guess and the thought I was an object earlier in life came true because we were treated like objects. Lincoln didn’t seem to mind anyway because already gave up his feelings and he wanted me to do the same but I didn’t I just hid them so Lincoln thought I gave up my feelings but I hid them in the same place I hid all the things that went wrong with myself. I only saw David on the weekends and Anna-Grace already have gone crazy and went on her own path and scared me even more than I already am. This was point in time that Lincoln started showing emotion to my parents and that was a big no because my parents could tell the social workers that he was getting emotional and then him get in trouble then possibly blaming me for his punishment. It wasn’t my fault not even one percent he thought he could blame the one that was always fair for someone else’s reasons to take his punishment or beatings for him while he is untouched and then cries to his parents that would believe him and when the one that was beaten and punished was questioned why she wasn’t crying she would be to scared to tell the truth afraid she would be hit for taking his punishment and her parents trying to give her love but her past making it hard for her to take the love afraid she was always but she kept it all inside fearing that letting it out would make everyone treat her like she was broken and she needed someone to put her back together but in reality she only needed someone to let her process her past that was stealing her ability to trust. When Lincoln started showing emotion I was scared out of my mind.Not only was I scared for him I was scared that he would blame me for something that wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t say that it wasn’t my fault because I would get a slap no matter what for talking back. I always tried to push myself to never step out of line because the fear of being slapped or put up in my room for hours earlier than my early bedtime. Desiree and I were in the same bedroom and I honestly met her through whispers and She learned the method quickly off of me or Lincoln the method was to be quiet when paige was watching because she was not very nice I didn’t tell the last part to desiree she kind of learned that on her own. James was a whole different story he didn’t learn the method I taught desiree because Lincoln convinced me that he would teach him but he was too late and he never bothered. Lincoln never acknowledged his mistake ever but acknowledged every one of my mistakes because he wanted to push me to the being fair comment and I never saw perfect anywhere in the fine print of the mean comment by Anna-Grace when I was eight and Lincoln has been holding that comment against me ever since she said it. Lincoln always held me to my mistakes and once I thought he regretted his mistake but he just shook it off and didn’t make it appear that he made a mistake. James was three years younger than me and he was bigger than me and almost Lincoln’s height And I tried to be friends with him and he became a friend of mine. Being friends with James will never be a mistake because when I was hanging out with him I let less than one percent my real personality go for the first time in two years or more It just felt so good to not be fearing the person I really am but I was holding back a good bit so If I got called out by Lincoln I could cover myself again. When I started showing my real personality Lincoln started to not doubt me that was a point of relief because I didn’t have someone judging me for everything thing I say or do. James left and it was just me, desiree and Lincoln for a little while then a six-year-old boy came and he was James’ brother and his name was Cole. It was like cole was placed in James’ place but cole didn’t let that define him because he was his own person with his own bright personality that changed me for the better and I’m grateful that he came in my life because if he never I wouldn’t become the person I am today.

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