"When you work hard to do something right, you don't want to forget it." - Ted Bundy
“This is a prepaid call from: Scéléra Lavier, an inmate at the
*censored* County Jail. If you would like to accept this call, press ‘five’ now.” The robotic woman’s voice spoke in monotone. They got Scéléra. She was probably feeling entirely degraded already.
“What time will you be transported tomorrow?” I asked before anything else was said.
“What? Um, I leave here at two thirty tomorrow afternoon. Why?”
“Because it doesn’t end like this. Not today. Not yet.”
“Be careful, Tristan.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“I love you. I have to go.” Click. It was eleven thirteen, the night before we would try to save Scéléra from her abductors. At around the same time that I was killing the priest, Scéléra had been up to ‘no good’ as well.
“We were drinking some tea, then she decided she wanted to visit the Lady in White along with it. I just stuck with my tea.” Vera recounted the tale. “She said that she was going out for a while. Then she was on the news. I thought I was just tripping for the first two or three minutes, but it was real. It stings your soul whenever it’s real.”
According to the news, some guy propositioned her for sex so she picked up a large chunk of broken cement from the sidewalk and hurled it into his face. He was immediately taken to the hospital and she was charged with assault with a deadly weapon. Then she was searched. They found the eight-ball of snow that she had taken with her. She was screwed.
Tomorrow they would be moving her to a different facility, and one cop would be taking her over. She was a potential felon, but that was still a long way from being a high profile criminal with a caravan transport. She wasn’t a murderer. There was a stretch of road about six or seven miles long that was part of the route they’d be taking. It was almost guaranteed that not a single car would pass by while they traveled across it. That was when we would strike.
We knew that they would drive through around two forty-five p.m. Heffalump, Mal and I made a few calls…we weren’t going in completely alone. I needed to find my own car for this mission, and I wanted a car that would be fun to drive. So the following day at noon, I went to a park while dressed in a gorilla costume.
I saw a psychology experiment once, concerning selective attention, where a guy in a gorilla costume somehow wasn’t noticed on the screen. Maybe no one would notice me either. Why was I dressed like this? I didn’t want to look like myself while stealing a car. A few people made confused faces as I passed them by, but I don’t think they were expecting me to do what I did.
A woman about fifty years old was pulling her silver Mercedes into a parking space. It seems that cars usually pull into those. She was here to take Poopsie Pie, her expensive Pomeranian, out for a walk. They would be walking a lot farther than they originally planned. She was surely very well-off. She could just go and buy a newer model. I came upon them as she was clambering out of the driver’s side door. No one was very close to us, so it was time for my lovely primate self to swing into action.
“Hey! I’d like to take your keys!” I pointed Peter Dickinson’s unloaded revolver at her face. I suppose it wasn’t really Peter Dickinson’s anymore. No, I wasn’t about to kill an old lady. She didn’t deserve to die, and I didn’t even have any bullets for the damn thing. I didn’t need any.
She hadn’t complied, so I aimed at Poopsie Pie instead. Like magic, the keys soared through the air and into my hands. Fifteen minutes later the Mercedes and I were in the driveway back home. I waited there for two more hours with Heffalump, Vera and Mal. The tension was unbearable. We would have to do this with absolute perfection or we would all be fucked.
It was finally time to go, and we were ready for a fight. I pulled out of the driveway first, followed by Mal and Vera in the Crown Vic, then Heffalump in his purple Chrysler. We had sort of a gang now, almost maybe. When we were only five minutes away from the upcoming event, two more cars pulled out of a gas station and came along with us. I remembered them from my ‘delivery service’ outings. They were Heffalump’s friends, so I was sure that they’d be helpful to bring along.
We were there in an instant, the lone stretch of highway stood ahead of us. We would stop them here. We had to. I had to. I didn’t see them yet, but I expected that they were somewhere in front of us. I slammed my foot down on the gas. We were about halfway through this lonely highway section when I when I saw it. A police cruiser was cruising down the road ahead of me. That had to be the one.
I moved into the oncoming lane and zoomed around the cop at exactly 113 miles per hour. His lights started flashing and his siren started tooting. Purrrfect. I slowed down and came to a stop. I couldn’t tell if Scéléra was in the back of it or not. The back windows were so darkly tinted that they might have been spray-painted. My window rolled down. His car door opened and shut.
“I need your license and registration,” he said forcefully. I had my very cheap fake ID for this occasion. It wouldn’t take him long to discover that it was forged, just like it wouldn’t take him very long to figure out that the car was registered in the owner’s name. But I didn’t need it to take him long…just long enough.
He took the card and the paper and walked back to his ‘vehicle’. In only a few moments he was back at my window. “Step out of the vehicle and put your hands over your head!” He yelled at me and opened my door. I was right. It hadn’t taken him long. That was fine. I could hear them coming.
“Put your hands against my vehicle! Vehicle! Vehicle! Vehicle! I love the word vehicle!” Was he about to rape me doggy style? I continued to comply, but this wouldn’t last long. Click. There came the handcuffs. He grabbed my left arm and pulled it behind my head, then snapped the cuff onto my wrist. He grabbed my other arm. “You have the right to remain si-…” But then they were right beside us. Mal and Vera slowed down and stopped on the other side of the street. They got out, taking cover behind the Crown Vic just in case…
“You’re fucked, baby!” Vera yelled at the officer.
“Don’t move!” He screamed at me, then pulled his gun from his belt and turned his focus toward them. He took a few shots at their car. Bang! Bam! Shit. I knew that Mal and Vera hadn’t brought a gun. Neither had I. But right on cue, the Woozlemobile drifted to a halt about ten feet away from the officer. Heffalump bolted out of the car like lightning as the two dark grey old beater cars parked alongside him. They had to have guns.
Before the cop could process his new surroundings, Woozle fired all six bullets from his .38 special into Mr. Policeman’s legs. Half of the bullets hit their target and the man crashed into the pavement. His 9mm pistol flew from his hands and slid across the asphalt right over to Heffalump, who picked it up and tossed his own gun aside.
“Fuck you!” Woozle yelled. I was glad that I wasn’t his enemy. Still, I didn’t want the cop to be killed by a gun. That would be too boring. I walked over to where the man was lying and called out to Heffalump.
“Don’t kill him yet, unless he won’t give me his keys!”
“A’ight. But do something quick, man. We don’t have all day.”
“So give me those keys, pretty pretty please.” He held his keys up in the air. This was the second time that day that I had taken keys from someone who didn’t want to lose them. Was it a coincidence? I snatched up the keys and returned to his cruiser, quickly unlocking the driver’s side door. There she was, in the back of the car. An excited look of relief erupted across her face.
“The knight has come to save the princess from the evil dragon! It is a fine day indeed! This shall be quite a memory, no doubt.”
“But the best part comes now. Are you ready?” I asked. This was going to be great.
“Of course.” I cranked the engine. It began to hum quite hummingly. Hum, hum. Rumble, rumble. “We’re going for a ride!” I put car in drive. We drove about three or four hundred feet away from the commotion before turning back around to face it. Heffalump was moving his car out of the way; he and I were on the same page now. The cop was still lying right in the middle of the road. Perfect. Scéléra soon realized the next part of the story as well.
“Ah, ha-ha! Yes! Yes! Floor it, baby!” And so I did. As I began to gain speed, I turned the lights and sirens on. ‘WEE-OO! WEE-OO!’ They bleeped.
“Wee-oo! Wee-oo!” Scéléra and I loudly mimicked. We were closing in now. I meticulously concentrated on my aim.
“Squish his head! Squish his head!” Her idea sounded great to me, so that’s what I did. My tires ran right over his face and squished it all over the road. Squish! Hooray! The bump made us swerve a few times, but I managed to keep the car from crashing. We slowed down and came back around to park near the others.
“Fuck yeah!” Vera cheered as I exited the car. I opened the back door and Scéléra jumped out. Her hands were still cuffed behind her back. She ran into me and I curled my arms around her. After we had our fill of PDA we walked over to Mr. Twitchy, the dead cop. I quickly took the keys to the handcuffs from his body and set Scéléra free, then took off the one that was still dangling from my wrist.
“Let’s keep the key and handcuffs,” she proposed. “We might be able to use them later tonight.” That was a fantabulous idea…these were a lot better than our cheap sex shop restraints. We snatched them from the cop who we just ran over the head of while going eighty miles per hour in his own vehicle. It was a great time, flashing the lights and horns and whatnot. These handcuffs had superpowers now. They were now a portal leading to this very moment, which could be used at any time in the future.
“It’s time to go! We can celebrate later.” Mal was right. We needed to get out of here as soon as possible. “I’m going with Heffalump. You two can go with Vera. Leave the Mercedes. We don’t need a stolen car anywhere near us right now.” I wasn’t planning on keeping it anyway. I was almost as paranoid as he was. He was a drug dealer, but I was a killer. They’d get a bigger promotion for bagging me.
“All aboard!” Vera screeched as we quickly hopped into the back of her car. Scéléra and I laid down in the back, happy to be together again.
“I didn’t know if you’d come…” she confessed.
“They can’t take you from me. All they can do is try.”
“Yoop, yoop, ya loop! We’re not lettin’ ya get scooped by the poops today!” Vera was brimming with artificial energy.
“Do you think we should think about moving somewhere else?” I thought that it might be a good idea. We had been involved in a lot of shit lately.
“Mal and I have been talking about it. Heffalump has a good place for us. I think we’ll fly on over there in a few days. Safety first, and all that shit.” That was at least a little reassuring.
“Hooray, hooray, you saved the day! The blood they bleed is always so bloodily beautiful, isn’t it?” Shadowshade was having a wonderful time with all of this. Soon we were home again. The mission had been accomplished, the girl had been saved. Happiness, flowers, rainbows, riding off into the sunset, etcetera. Malevolent Mal wasn’t here yet but since we were, we ventured inside.
“They can’t keep us down! We fuck hard!” Vera cheered.
“Yeah!” Scéléra grabbed me and we began a bout of laughing. “We fuck hard too!” She held up the handcuffs.
“Oh wow! You’re both kinks, but not as much as me!” She went into the kitchen for a cup of tea…as well as both of her stuffed companions’ cups, of course. I suddenly remembered Infinity’s drawing. I had forgotten all about it. It was still in my pocket, where it was invisible to the peering eyes of the outside world. Night was descending upon us when I finally decided that it was time to unfold the secret ‘disasterpiece’.
“I’m going to go and piss!” I fled to the bathroom. Now I was alone. I locked the door and took the paper out of my pocket. I opened it slowly, nervously. There was a note. Where was the drawing? I continued unfolding the lined notebook paper…there it was. I was a block of ice. This was a lighting-charged inferno of holy shit-ness. It was a picture of a girl who looked just like a girl from my dreams. She was wearing a frog suit.
Next to her was someone who looked like me. He wore a very massacred-looking bird costume that was covered in blood. Above us was a dark and shadowy cloud with an almost-face that looked like kind of like ghost, or a demon maybe? A spooky spook? It was a shady-shady shadowshade. This was obvious. There was no inference required. I began to read Veia’s note.
“Have you heard of the House of Chaos? Most of the people I know call it ‘The House that no one will enter’. They’re all too afraid of the horror that supposedly exists behind its not-so innocent looking walls. I might be brave enough to go inside, but I don’t want to go alone.
“You’re the perfect other for the journey. It shall be a very new and different experience, and you love that. So come with me. You can find me any night. I’ll be wherever the trees grow. We’ll go together. I’m still alive! Surprised? I can hardly believe it myself. I’ve had a very ‘unique’ life, one could say….
Come chase me through the dark.
That Frog Shirt Girl”
Of course I wanted to venture into this house of madness. I had to. Going with someone would definitely make it better, especially a zany brainy who I adored. So I would go. I hadn’t known much about the place before, but after Veia’s letter I was sure that I needed to be inside. I came out of the bathroom and gave Scéléra a kiss. How would she feel about me going on a dangerous adventure with a girl who I loved in high school? I could deal with that later. This was an opportunity that I couldn’t refuse.
“I must go. I have some errands that I must run alone. You’re certainly being searched for. You shouldn’t go anywhere. Don’t worry, I’ll be back.”
“Alright…then I suppose that I shall tea myself too! Good luck, and ta-ta, Mr. Terrible.” Then I was outside. Was I ready for this? Whatever it was, it was going to be something big…something significant. I could feel it in my blood. Maybe I was ready, maybe I wasn’t. Once can never be sure. But I was doing it whether I was ready or not.