To Choke a Yokel
The Tonky-Honk Saloon. My god…seriously? That was where we were to meet our southern aggressor. The only fun part of this experience would be killing the hick prick and then the steamy something else with Veia afterward. I tried to prepare my unfortunate ears for the music that the poor things would soon have to endure. The tunes inside could have easily been used as torture devices…but seriously? Seriously? Scéléra left me for the Tonky-Honk? Jesus Christ, I didn’t know her at all. Did I do something terribly wrong and not remember it?
Would she be there to witness the murder? Maybe we could kill her too, or at least paralyze her and force her to watch us fornicate on dead Davis’ bed. That would have the desired effect if she still had feelings for me, but I wasn’t sure that she did…apart from the ‘attachment’ chemical that releases during sex. That’s a real thing, by the way. It’s called oxytocin (not OxyContin). Fucking really does make the heart grow fonder.
“What a pig!” Veia shouted as we sped toward the saloon in my decrepit Mercedes.
“What did he say?” She was texting Davis and had quickly gotten permission to come over. He thought he was getting a booty call.
“You thinkin’ ‘bout me playin’ with yer cooter?” We both began cackling hysterically. Wow! This was the guy who Scéléra was with now! It was more hilarious than it was painful. I was glad that she got with me before him and not after. I didn’t want go anywhere near any orifice that he had contaminated. At the same time though, I would be shocked if he had picked up enough women to catch an STD with pick-up lines like that.
“What do I even say to that?” Veia wasn’t sure.
“You say ‘Oh yes! I have been for days. I’m shivering with anticipation!’ Something like that. Just don’t mention the part about us killing him. That would defeat the whole purpose of the thing.”
“Okay, but how am I supposed to listen to while trying to be sexy? I can’t do it without laughing.”
“Just think of the near future and what it has in store! I’m sure you can do it.. I know you know how to act.”
“True…oh, stop here! This is it.” The yard looked much different than what I was expecting. In front of the building where we were now parked there were small trees that had been trimmed into various odd shapes and designs. There were squares, circles, triangles, diangles, and lots of other curiously formed foliage. The yard was actually pretty entertaining in my opinion. The building itself was a large old two story log cabin, which was much closer to what I had been expecting.
“Are you ready?” I stopped the car in front of the yard.
“Oh yes, I have been for days. I’m shivering with anticipation.” Clever… “So how will you keep from being noticed, killer boy?”
“He doesn’t know what I look like. Don’t worry. This is supposed to be fun!” I was excited. It was going to be fun for me.
“Yes, it’ll be tremendous. I’ve missed you. You never left my mind.” She gave me a flattering stare and jumped into my arms as we stood outside the car. I moved my head to softly kiss her neck, then moved up and bit down on her ear.
“Tease!” She whined. “Give me more…but let’s make Mr. D.D. dead first. That’ll add such a wondrous effect to everything.” It certainly would. As we walked toward the Tonky-Honk Saloon, the odd trees seemed to be getting odder. They were now gyrating and spinning. Round, and round, and round they went. Was this really happening?
“One can never be sure,” Shadowshade reminded us.
“You go in first,” I said. “I’ll come in after you. We can’t appear to be together.” I could already hear the banjos playing.
“Are we together?” She wasn’t sure. I wasn’t either.
“I’ve been wondering about that myself.”
“We should make up our minds at a more climactic time,” she suggested. That sounded good to me, it would mean more that way. Knock. Knock. Knock. She knocked on the door while I crouched behind a tree that looked almost exactly like a pyramid. The door swung open and she walked inside. I was next. How was I going to do this? I hadn’t spent much time thinking about it. Improvising is one of my favorite things. I would introduce myself and claim to be an informant. Okay. It was go time. Knock. Knock. Knock. The entrance quickly opened.
“Yeah? What do ya want, ya fancy pantsy mother fucker?” A five foot tall bucktoothed cowboy bitched at me for wearing a suit. My suit was special though. It was infused with the blood of fallen foes. It attracted more of it too.
“Let’s not get too excited, Bubba. I’m on your side. I’m here to help.” He seemed to be at least party convinced.
“How you gonna help us?”
“I have information that will bring down the man known as Heffalump Woozle. Do you know who that is?” This won him over immediately, as I was sure it would.
“You gotta talk to Boss ‘bout that. He’ll be happy to hear ya if he ain’t busy.” Lovely. I was in. If things were going as planned, ‘Boss’ might’ve been a bit distracted at the moment. As soon as I walked through the doorway I could hear yodeling sounds coming from the cabin’s sound system. Was this noise considered a song? This was already getting painful.
“Yodel-ay-hee! Yodel-ay-hee! Jesus is ridin’ on a tractor! Daddy’s shootin’ shells at his little girl’s lover, but he wants that tushie too!” What the hell? Straight ahead of me was a bar where four men wearing wife-beaters and two wearing cowboy hats with entire fishing poles sticking through them were talking. Was what they were doing talking? It was something close to that. To my right was some sort of petting zoo, but the animals were being much more than petted. A rather fat and greasy Neanderthal Santa-looking man was aggressively fucking a rather fat and greasy pig…they matched up nicely. They were perfect for each other.
“Oink! Oink!” The pig squealed.
“Oink! Oink!” The human pig was screeching too. To my left was a mechanical bull and behind that was a gun rack. Various kinds of shotguns and rifles lined the whole left wall. One of those might come in handy. I walked toward the bar and noticed Dodge and Veia exiting the room. They disappeared behind a doorway that led to a not-so hidden staircase.
I took my cellphone out of my pocket and found Veia’s name in my list of contacts. She added her number during the drive here. I pressed the edit button and changed her name to Dodge Davis. There was a reason for doing so, which shall soon be revealed.
“I want a double vodka mixed drink. I don’t care what kind it is.” I placed my order.
“Comin’ right up.”
“A mixed drank?” One of the wife-beater boys inquired. Why did he have to ask this? Certainly he already knew the answer. How else could he have known to ask the question? “Are ya a pansy? A pussy? A sissy? A Nancy? A homosexuer?” What the hell was a homosexuer? I decided not to acknowledge him, but I did get my drink. It was a regular vodka and OJ screwdriver. That was fine with me, I wasn’t very picky. I didn’t drink for the taste.
“I got a goat with yer name own it!” Someone from the petting zoo called out. I hoped he wasn’t talking to me, but I knew he was. I decided to pass this time.
“I’ll pass this time, thanks!”
“I’ll take her to the rodeo then! My rodeo! Heh heh!” This howl came from the anti-mixed drinks guy Imagine that. He thought ‘homosexuers’ were gross, but goat fucking was perfectly fine. Bzzz. Bzzz. My phone vibrated as I gulped down the last of my drink. I knew it was her.
“From: Dodge Davis
Okay, come upstairs. I’m waiting.”
This was perfect. The staircase was right next to the gun rack and an excessively armed guard was stationed in front of it. Was he holding a grenade launcher? Shit. Yes he was. No matter…this would be incredibly easy.
“Hello sir, I’m here to deliver some valuable information regarding Heffalump Woozle to Mr. Davis. He texted me and gave me permission to go upstairs to meet with him.”
“I’ll need to see the text.”
“Ah, yes, it’s right here.” I showed him the message. He looked at for a few moments before handing the phone back to me.
“Alright, that’s good enough for me.” Of course it was. I moved past him and ascended the wooden staircase, changing the name back to Veia in my phone.
“I figured ya’d come ‘round ‘ventually. I got that charm that’s unresistable.”
“You certainly do. I just had to come…I couldn’t help myself,” Veia said to Dodge Davis as he opened the door to his room. I was on my way.
“And here’s the boss-man’s room…that’s me, heh heh.” A large room with wood-paneled walls and a queen sized bed seated in the middle now lay before them. Covering the entire bed was a confederate flag. He used it as a blanket. We would have to throw that away if anything sexual was going to happen after Davis was dead. I definitely couldn’t get aroused while looking at or laying on that thing. On the walls were four shotguns and a sniper rifle. Where did these people even find all of this shit? Maybe they got it online…hell, I got that priest’s heroin overdose online.
“It’s perfect!” Veia answered. “And your bed’s so comfy! The south will rise again! Hooray for slavery and racism!” She wasn’t serious, but she knew that he was. She was Veia, so of course she knew how to get on someone’s good side.
“Yer damn right! That’s what I been tryin’a tell errybody! At least you understand…”
“Well whaddaya want me to do? Waddaya like? I’ll take a suggestion just this once.” He looked at her with a gaping mouth, displaying his twelve remaining teeth. What an accomplishment, keeping so many…
“Whatever you desire, baby. Teach me your ways.”
“Well awlrighty, may’um. Ye asked, just ‘member that. I’m gonna buck ya like a Bronco. Yer gonna…” But he was cut off mid-sentence.
The upstairs of the place was sort of how one might have expected it to be. Deer heads, and pelts of various other unfortunate woodland creatures lined the walls. Veia had surely been put-off by these. I hoped that she was able to hide her anger long enough to play the game. I continued my walk down the main hallway of the second floor. The upstairs level was made up of this hallway, two small rooms on either side of it and a larger room at the end. That could only be his.
When I passed by the two side rooms I could hear someone shuffling around in the one to my left. I wasn’t sure who it was…I made sure not to make a sound. I quickly reached Davis’ door and pressed my ear up against it to listen in. I needed to time this just right.
“Teach me your ways,” I heard Veia say. She was doing an orgasmic job.
“Awlrighty then, may’um. Ye asked, just ‘member that. I’m gonna buck ya like a Bronco. Yer gonna…” The sound of me turning the doorknob stopped him from saying anything more. The door was locked. Damn it.
“I’ll get it.” Veia hopped off of the bed and walked toward the door.
“Hell nah, you won’t!” Dodge jerked her back just before she could reach it. “Who is it? I’m busy!” Hmm…I was pretty sure I could do the impression correctly. I decided that I might as well just go for it.
“What do you mean, who is it?” I replied in the most feminine voice that I was able to make. “It’s fucking Scéléra! Open the door, pretty please.” I made sure to sound offended by his slow response.
“Goddammit.” Davis was in trouble! “Alright Veyer, get on over yonder there and hide in that there closet fer now. This is important.” Veia went into ‘that there’ closet to hide. “You can only come in fer a couple minutes! I got shit to do,” he blabbered. That was more than enough time. The door handle was unlocked, but someone screamed in panic behind me.
“What the fuck are you doing here?! What are you doing?! Don’t open the fucking door, Dodge! Get out, Ivan! Get the fuck out! Leave now! Go away!” Scéléra actually was here now. She was the one who had been in the little side room…damn. Seeing her like this filled me with nausea. I would never forget what she did to me and my friends. I didn’t know her anymore. I never knew her. Perhaps Davis was able to hear her warning, but it didn’t matter at this point. The door was open. D.D. and I were face to face for the first time.