Lupuss the family house cat was meandering around the bottom of the family bed...hungry and needed his owners to feed him NOW! He had never been a friendly cat or one that was especially settled around people. If you patted him he growled. If he was asleep and you woke him up LOOK OUT for swiping paws with claws extended. If you didn’t let him out at night to pee or poop you ended up with it in your shoes, bed spread or your favourite article of clothing if it was left on the bed or chair.
The family dog Sherlock, short for Sherlock Bones, was as dumb as a bag of hammers and frequently was taking visits to the vet to get stitched up as a result of getting just a bit too close to Lupuss and trying to wake him up while he was asleep to play with him and dumb dogs have want to do. It didn’t matter how many times he was re-stiched he still kept bouncing into the room and putting his cold wet nose up close and personal on Lupuss with swift and invariably tragic results.
Lupuss was different. He was an escapologist. He was always thinking ahead and prepared for any eventuality, especially if something was about to go down. This was especially true if there was a bath, medicine or his useless side kick of a dog Sherlock that was involved. There was something inside the brain of Lupuss that always had figured out a way of getting away...just in time. Be it either when the humans left a door open by accident then he bolted faster than a fart in the wind to explore the neighbourhood and at night when he came back to the humans home he raised merry hell howling like a banshee until he was let in.
His human’s thought most of the time that this was amusing. Lupuss was picked up as a kitten from a rubbish dump. His human was throwing bags of house hold rubbish at the tip when he heard soft but continuous “meow’s” coming from a canvas bag amongst the foul remains and rubbish that make for going to the tip...such fun for your nasal passages. He opened the bag and felt sorry for him so he bought him home, bathed him, de-flea’d him, had him spade and fed him as part of his family.
Sherlock was ecstatic. He now had a play mate for exactly 1.5 seconds, then Lupuss buried his tiny little claws into the soft dark skin around his nose and Sherlock lifted Lupuss off the ground and yelped running this way and that with Lupuss still attached to his nose. It was noisey and very messy with all the blood draining out of his nose onto the carpet so the first visit to the local vets was assured. Specifically for the purpose of getting Sherlock’s nose stitched and Lupuss to have his claws trimmed down to blunt stubs. The Vet nearly lost an eye when Lupus lashed out as quick as a blink but instead his glasses were hurtled across the surgery floor and shattered into million pieces.
“Better be careful Doc...this one is a bit feisty” and the human who reluctantly admitted to owning Lupuss chuckled quietly and then stopped when the Vet gave him the 1000 death stare.
Anyone who has ever owned a cat will testify to the fact that once you have one...everything in the house, unit, flat, tent, caravan or mansion BELONGS TO THE CAT!
Even things that are designated to belong to Sherlock now belonged to Lupuss, such as his bed. Sometimes Sherlock would forget this rule with nasty consequences as the result and yet another trip to the vet took place. The human’s as well forgot this rule several times, but Lupus didn’t. He took over their beds, their chairs, their sex life and he was going to remind them of this until his life ended.
Sherlock would bound into the family room and see Lupuss curled up on his bed. You could actually see the sadness in Sherlock’s face. It was totally obvious to the humans that Sherlock was not a big fan of Lupuss in any way and that was because he had just taken from him the one thing he loved...his bed. But that was Sherlock’s lesson: LUPUSS OWNS EVERYTHING!
Lupuss didn’t care for anyone else except himself with one exception and that was the human who changed his litter and the human that fed him at the correct designated time. He was totally unsympathetic to anyone or anything around him unless it involved him. That is just the nature of this independent feline. Another grand example of how intolerant Lupuss was is the time Sherlock had an ear infection and the vet put a plastic cone around his head to stop him from scratching his ear or licking it. What does Lupuss do? He used the cone of shame as a comfy place to sit. The saying goes “if I fits, I sit”, even if it was unbearable for Sherlock.
If you were to say that Lupuss had a love affair with boxes you would be perfectly correct in assuming this fact. He did. He loved them passionately. Although sometimes he didn’t fit inside the box he found he would muscle his way into it and snuggle down. It was warm and it was cosy and it was HIS!!! It appeared that he did some of his best thinking while scrunched down into a box. It was even better when he could scratch up the inside of the box a bit and leave his scent there because then the box became HOME: a warm, snug safe place to plot a revolution against Sherlock.
This was were Lupuss did his best plotting. So...if you ever see a cat in a box staring at you...know this...he is probably plotting to take over the human race so be on your guard!
Something else that Lupuss did was he never came when he was called. He heard the human and he heard his name but the disdain he felt towards them didn’t necessitate a meow or to actually getting up from where he was to investigate why he was being called. Lupuss was also good at hiding when he really didn’t want to be found AT ALL. The humans would be calling and calling for him and he just sat extremely still and watched them look for him all over the house. If Lupuss wanted to hide the humans gave up trying to find him after about 30 minutes. Lupuss would wait until he was hungry then appear out of nowhere. It was like he was a frekin magician.
As cute as Lupuss was to everyone else, except his human owners, he was the bringer of doom against things around the house. He was the fluffy harbinger of death to glasses with water, lemonade or juice in them if they were in the way of where he wanted to sit. Statues, trophies, salt and pepper shakers, placemats, ornaments of any size and shape were on the hit list of Lupuss if they were in the way or stopping him from doing something. The humans would yell and scream at him and all he would do was stare blankly back at them while they had a conniption fit as if to say...
“Oh...did I do that?” with an evil stare, “It was an accident” ....and oddly enough the humans believed him.
Lupuss knew he could get anything he wanted. He was really good at getting his humans to get whatever he wanted...he did it all the time...he was a PRO. All he had to do was use his superpower and that was CUTENESS. When Lupuss wanted anything he just turned up the level of cuteness by more than a few notches and the humans played right into his paws. This superpower is why cats rule the world and their surroundings so convincingly...we as humans can never say no to them, just look at a kitten...go on I dare you! Humans see these adorable little faces and fold like a house of cards and become blubbering diminutive idiots that succumb to the charms and evil ways of cats around the world and especially Lupuss.
So...if you think you can say no to a cat and especially Lupuss...think again.
Just so you can understand Lupuss a little better I am going to write it like all the animals can talk to each other like we do because I think that Lupuss has a lot to think and say...just wanted you to know this before you start reading and say ...
“But cats can’t talk!”
Well...for this story Lupuss can...but the humans can’t.
Now that you know who you are dealing with let us begin on this intrepid journey that he finds himself on all because he did something at exactly the right time on the wrong day shall we?