The Seven Deadly Tins

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Summary

The Fart is out of control. This hilariously terrifying children's book is a real fast paced page turner. A must read for the whole family. Full of characters you'll get to love and hate. Things are afart!!! Rancid smells,..Unexplained odours...Monstrous entities...Parents falling out...Friends falling out...Falling out with yourself! Basically some strange stuff is going down and it needs sorting out soon...Very soon! Frankie Ankles lives in the tiny, stinky town of Little Wafting. One evening, while lying on top of his bed, merrily picking his nose and minding his own business, Frankie hears strange hissing noises coming from the attic above. After many disturbing and somewhat frightening minutes, he eventually manages to drag his skinny butt from the mattress to pluck up an ounce of courage to go and investigate. He is horrified to discover something very sinister lurking within the shadows of the creepy room. Over the course of the week, the eerie thing in the attic grows rapidly, threatening to rage out of control and cause all sorts of havoc. The family are at risk. The entire village is at risk. In fact the whole world could be at risk. Time is running out. Fast! Poor Frankie needs to get to the BOTTOM of things before it's too late!

Genre:
Children / Humor
Author:
Mark Gibson
Status:
Complete
Chapters:
32
Rating:
n/a
Age Rating:
13+

Chapter 1: Matchstick

When a rabbit farts, it very rarely makes a noise, and if the fart is heard it would most definitely sound different to the rabbit that dwells with the Ankle family. The rabbit in this household makes a sort of Phutt-Phutt-Phutt sound, always in a sequence of three, and very, frequently.

One presumes that the wind emitting from within the bowels of such said mammals don’t necessarily produce much of an odour, if they do, then they undeniably would never smell like this rabbit’s. This one’s smell quite rancid, in fact, if anyone were unfortunate enough to be in close proximity at the time of blast-off, it would more than likely want to make them retch.

The reason for this rather peculiar bottom activity is that he very rarely eats what you would call proper rabbit food. No. He doesn’t plant his goofy choppers into stuff like hay or fresh fruits and vegetables. He much prefers the food that the Ankle family feed him. Well not all of the Ankle family, it’s really just Melanie Ankles, the youngest of the troop, it is she who provides him with his daily meals, snacks, and everything else that she accidentally on purpose drops on the floor for him to gobble up.

He’s not what you would call a particularly healthy bunny either. He is rather large to say the least. In fact, morbidly obese is a more appropriate description of the poor fellow. Not surprising really if you consider what he eats. His diet mainly comprises of beans; beans in tomato sauce; beans in brown sauce; beans in gravy; beans in curry; in milk; beans with chips; beans with toast; with biscuits; with crisps; with sweets. Haricot beans; Black beans; Kidney beans; Cannellini beans; Lima beans; Pinto beans; Borlotti beans. He’s probably consumed pretty much every variety of bean one has ever seen.

Most rabbits tend to hop or jump around, but this one tends to shuffle, drag, and roll about the place. Well most of the time anyway, when he chooses and it’s necessary, or curiosity gets the better of him, he could, with a lot of effort be more athletic and manage the odd hop skip and jump. But most of the time he is far too lazy to make the effort to lift his very large, round, body off the floor, and because of this, he has very grubby white matted fur. Take an average size Snowman’s head off, roll it around in the soggy mud, stick two large pointed ears on top, replace the carrot nose with a small redcurrant, poke a couple of tiny Hazel nuts where his eyes should be, stick a crumpled dirty white Pompom on his bottom, then you have something that resembles Matchstick.

Curious name for such an obese bunny, but when they rescued him from the local pet rescue centre he was very skinny, for he was extremely neglected by his previous cruel owner. He was tall and as thin as a stick. So, being white with a red nose, he did actually resemble a fluffy matchstick. They procured him about a year and half ago for Melanie’s ninth birthday, and since that day when they carried him home in a tatty brown cardboard box, they decided he needed to be fattened up. But alas; they went a little bit too far.


Therefore, it is highly recommended that nobody should try this with his or her own beloved pet bunnies; cats; dogs; birds, or lizards.


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