We shifted from my hometown just after a year of her death.
Its been six years and one hell of a journey without her.
Finally, me and my sister thought about it and we together took the seven hour train to go back to our hometown to meet her.
Everything seemed to change.
The roads, the houses, the alleyways even the people we knew had changed. Some grew little old while some had put on their weights...LMAO
But, still we couldn't seem to love the town.
The town seemed to have grown more beautiful and cleaner. The town which we used to love and brag even after we had left it seemed to be very lifeless to us. For, it had taken away a very important person from our life.
Imagine, you have been away from home for the first time for only six months and when you return back, you are welcomed by an emotional mom who engulfs more like drags you to her arms and cries on your shoulder for not being able to see you for months.
Its the time where you feel loved and awkward thinking "Is she really my old nagging and bickering mom?"
It took six years to go back the place where we were born and we went directly to the place where we last saw her before her cremation.
I have the pic.
(This is the holy Hindu cremation place situated near the side of a holy temple.)
All I could think was the last time I had the seen the burning pyre. I was mute and I didn't really care to say a proper goodbye because I was too adamant to believe that she was gone and she would never return even after I was the one who had given the flames to her pyre.
Tears flew down my eyes, as I remembered that day and our friends who were with us thankfully understood it and left us alone to talk to her.
I was ready to shout, to yell.
From a month, I had been preparing all the complains and what all things I wanted to tell her. And as soon as we reached there my sister was the first to cry like a baby as she complained and shamed her for leaving her.
I was speechless and no matter how much I tried words didn't form in my mouth but all that I had was tears. In my mind, I was ranting everything that had happened to us after she left us.
And interestingly, we two were the only one standing and crying watchibg towards the river. A few children were playing near us and a boy came to me forwarded his hand asking for money.
I eyed his old shabby clothes and his muddy hair and all of a sudden remembered how much my mother hated it when she witnessed a kid begging.
She would search for their parents and scold them visiciously but then end up buying food or clothes for the kid.
As I reached out for my purse, all the kids circled us and eyed us all of a sudden looking sad. They were playful a few minutes ago but as they witnessed me and my sister crying they seemed to be affected by us.
I tried my best to stop myself but it didn't work as they stood their even after I gave them the money. My sister, took my glasses out of my face and wiped my teras away using my handkerchief all the while whimpering and sobbing tremendously.
Even if we knew there was no one and in our mind we knew she was long gone and she wouldn't be listening but for a certain reason while we were returning we felt the burden leaving our shoulders and my sister told me that she did feel as if somebody was truly listening and as if someone was behind us all the while.
It was what I also felt when I was crying.l but I didn't bother.
At the end, leaving all the things behind I asked her "How do I- we look?"
"I am no longer 15 and she is no longer 13...we have grown up and I do admit she looks better than me," I laughed off.
We had a few mother and daughter like conversation with us asking and answering of our own and finally said our proper goodbyes.
Because we knew we would be starting our life journey and we would shift far away and who knows even abroad. So better to bid farewell than regretting not saying it.
"Look at me carefully. You deprived us from seeing you six years ago. Now, I am going to deprive you from seeing me till my last breath. Because, this is the last time I'm visiting you. I am never coming back. Never ever. I don't like this place and I can't hold onto you anymore. I am finally letting you go. For you didn't even once come to my dream to meet me. I can't believe this. Did you not miss us? Not only me but you didn't even visit your lovely child, Sonal my sister? How could you? And how dare you? I wish wherever you are please be happy and live peacefully and have a wonderful life cause our paths have been separated. With you long gone, we didn't even get to gather enough memories of you while you were alive. Now, as we are growing its shameful of us but I can't really remember what all dishes you used to make. Dad hardly talks about you but whenever he does ...he is always sad and it is why we avoid talking about you. But it is always about the food you used to make. Everyone in my family, who hated you has this that yes! She cooked really nice. Her food was the best and meanwhile me and my sister do remember that yes! your food was indeed the best but we can't remember the taste and what all items you used to make. This saddens Dad and it is why I avoid talking about it. Had only you would have remained some more years...I would have gathered all your memories and would have locked it safely in my heart. I am starting to forget your face as well. But I remember you cuddling me whenever I was sad. It is enough. It is enough for me to remember that yes! I also had a mom.
No worries, I am working on it. Life is a story and at the end you are been asked 'So? What did you learn from this story?'
I have learned my lesson. Not from my life but yours. Yes, you were wrong at some points and now when everyone keeps on pointing at me about my resemblance to you, I have decided. I will be you but not you. I am you but not you. Because I will not repeat the same mistakes that you did because I have learnt from it. I am your rebirth and this time I won't fail."
"Our path will definitely meet. I won't say I want to be your daughter in my next birth or I want the same family in my next birth because it would be too selfish of me. We will definitely meet. We are meant to cross the same path and when we meet I will make sure to tell you that I didn't fail."
"So, see you in the next life."