A friend named Liam visit the mental hospital for his on job training. He did not expect that I am one of the patients. He look at me with a surprise on his face and I wonder on how he is, then he ask me that “Austin is that really you?”, “This is me now Liam.” I answered. “Why are you here?” he asked me, then I answer that “I am here for about four months, how about you, why are you here?” I asked him straightly. “It is for my on job training as a psychologist.” he chuckled. I am a little bit astonish about his situation, he was going on assertively for his doctoral degree and I am in a shy manner that I cannot even face him eye to eye but he confront me that “If you believe in yourself then you will find the hope that can strike your potential upward but if you will just sit there in an indolence manner then nothing will going to happen in your life, Austin.” I did not expect him that he told that to me. I know that he was right but then I want to tell him back that “I am nowhere to see myself, I have no future anymore, I am hopeless to find my true destination and I hate the world that surrounds me!” I pithily told him. He was so shock on what I said to him were in fact his face was kind of a thinking like he was asking on what am I doing in this mental hospital. Then he chuckle that “You’re the only one who was building your own life, if you are desperate to find your innate peace then I think it is time for you to stand up and jump up now, come on, it’s not yet the end of the line on where your journey is uplifted only by you.” I was amazed by those words of him, it seems that they uplifted my spirit with kindle, but my situation now is far from him since I was admitted in this mental hospital. “I can’t count my peace, it was uncertain to realize on where I am now. I was admitted in this mental hospital. This is my life now. I am here for about four months.” I said. I am trying to make him grasp that my life was far from his situation and it was so hard for me to make my life back, I am also trying to make him understand that this is my life now and nothing could ever change that. Then he was in a wonder to tell me that “It is not too late for you to grow up with your spirit. Just think about this, we are destined to ameliorate our life in pride and respect.” he said. I know those every words that he told me but to think about the real situation was so perplexing even though I am trying to figure out on “why I am here?”, “Why do I need to stay here?” and why am I in a prolong admission that I stay here as one of their patients, and now I am his patient. So, why do I need to have a problem with that? What’s the matter with that? I can at least live my life here without even worrying anything or without having a responsibility for something that I can carry with, and this is my life now.
He shows the tests to me and I am proud to answer those tests. “These are psychological tests.” he mentioned. I am confident in answering the question like “Who is the scientist who invented the telephone?” he asked. “It was Graham Bell.” I answered. It is just one of the questions that I still remember since I graduated in high school and in college. Then he approach me to draw a person, I imagined myself that I am that person. It was like I am playing a game with only me and him, like he was the game and I am the player. I quite enjoyed the exams that he had administered to me then I was transferred to my room wherein I need to stay there alone. How can I ever imagine my life before that I am one of the fashionable models walking on the stage for a ramp? That was me before, but now I am alone, wondering about the world, I don’t even know the news that was happening on earth, I don’t even know on how was my family doing right now and most of all I don’t even know on what will happen next to me for the coming days.
Two years ago, I still remember my college life. I joined extra curricular activities like cheer dancing competition. I even joined the badminton for sports. I am great through those times. I still remember when I got the first place as an escort on a pageant that I joined. It was so exhilarating to comprehend about my past life before I was admitted in here. In my life now, I can no longer relay myself in a state of erudition that no longer exist within me. For how many times that I still recall the last day that I look up my mother crying in front of me. “Austin, what have you done to your life?” she cried. That was one of the main reason on why I am here at the mental hospital. I actually care for the fact that I am here because I tried barbiturate and cocaine drugs. It was a big smile for me when I tried the cocaine as one of my past time while my parents are not there for me, an old friend named Ronald approach me to taste it and it somehow relief me like I was on the high of being so alive and not tired on what I am doing, until one time I just saw myself being carried out by the policemen and was sent here in the mental hospital. I was addicted to drugs, I am desperate to try even marijuana but my sister told my parents about it. I really miss my sister, she was worried about me and I did not expect her that she was so concern about my life. I am her older brother who is nowhere to find the place on where I belong. “You’re my brother. Of course I do care about you so much.” she told that to me before the policemen caught me when I tried to escape them. It was an escape when I am protruding against my parents’ decision for me to be admitted here. I was sent to the police station but I end up staying here in the mental hospital. I was admitted here because of the drugs that I used. I used those drugs in order to make me well, to make me feel better during my free time and for making myself high in a manner of being delighted for a more acceleration with vibe. In those times that I took up drugs, it made me so reliant on them to the fact that I took up more drugs and I even rob money secretly from the pocket of my mother in order to give myself a favor of taking drugs. I am used to it, as I flippantly realize that because of those drugs that I took up during my free time and I became even obsess to take more and it ruined my life, that I am now alone, admitted as one of the patients who was likely belong to those people who have a psychological incapacity.
It was my most regret that I took up those barbiturate and cocaine as they became part of my life. I also tried smoking and drinking alcoholic beverages wherein I also lost myself to a designation that do not count me in most precious vigor of authority. It was like when you tried something that you did not try before was so hard to quit and hard to take control. It was hard to be back from a normal guy on where I have been as being a norm, wherein I do not smoke before and I do not drink a beer before. So for those times that I tasted cigarette and beer then it made me an alcoholic person and a smoker. It did not made me to think that I need to keep the money for investment like life insurance, build my own business or have an education instead of buying them cigarettes and beers. It was too late for me to realize that I cannot bring back my past because I spend those money for buying cigarettes, beers and the worst of all which is drugs. I cannot bring back my past life wherein I am the only son of a Chief Executive Officer who owned a business for fashionable dresses. My father keep on telling me that “You must believe in yourself that you can do everything that you dream in a most favorable cost”. Favorable cost means that I need to do something that can help other people, share them my talents and be part for the welfare of a society. I did not managed to do that because of my current situation, but it start first to myself that I need to help myself first before helping others in a light hearted way. I almost blame my family for being admitted here in the mental hospital, I actually hate the way that they brought me here as one of the patients who was suffering in drug addiction and depression. It was not an excuse for me that I suffered for about four months in here. I keep on wondering about why I need to be one of the patients that need to be cured. I actually didn’t like my situation now but I am hoping on what Liam had told me that I need to help myself with respect and dignity.
In this moment of truth, I can’t imagine myself that I am still a fashionable model. It was when I eager to compete with other models who were young and older than me. It was an enormous competition between me and them. I did my best as one of the most preferable models. Those times are my luck within my reach of success before I am admitted in here. I still remember when my first girlfriend named Nina broke up with me and I end up in dragging myself away in an illusory situation that what if she will come back for me. It was a long time ago before we broke up. It was evening, she saw me with my friends hanging out and then a beautiful girl named Scarlet whom I known from Edward kissed me. “You’re the cutest guy that I ever kissed.” she whispered and I am so happy to her when she did that even though it was known to my conscious that my girlfriend was actually there starring to us and she was about to slap Scarlet but I hold her right hand. “How could you!” Nina shouted with a shiver within her throat. “Easy there Nina.” I whispered but she slaps me so hard that I fight back to slap her face too. Then she cried out “I am your girlfriend. Why did you do this to me?”, “Nina I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I told her. I was about to hug her in exchange for the fault that I’ve done but she runaway and the next morning when I started to call her she told me that she wants to break up with me, then we broke up and I shouted with so much bitterness within myself in a fact that I almost broke up my phone into tiny pieces. I realized that it was all because of my fault. My ex girlfriend was so jealous to me in a fact that she don’t want me to be with other girls, but it all happens and I am so upset and very disappointed to realize that this is not suppose to be my life now and I need to renew myself from this bitterness.
My life in the mental hospital made me even wonder to be more artistic, there was a time wherein we were tasked to create a handy craft like a vase made by rolled papers. It is like using a rattan, but they prefer the recycled papers like old news papers and old magazines. One patient ask me then “Do you know something more aside from making handy crafts with the use of papers?”, “I knew more than handy crafts because I actually graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Fine Arts.” I mumbled, “Oh really.” he was amazed. I knew that it was too simple to deal with a handy craft work. I can make more as I painted a simple castle that my mother displayed in our living room. My sister adored my painting though it was too simple for me to comprehend. Art is like a magic, every stroke of my hand for a painting that I need to finish as a masterpiece is prosperity and for every drawing that can be picturesque is uplifting. It all came from my imagination. However, a four year course was not that laborious as the course of taking up law or medicine, but it requires hard work and a lot of creativity. I just reason out that there is so much more that I can do, there is so much more that I can say and so much more to contribute, but I am here, not lonely because I have some friends inside this site but in a thought that can bring up my regrets on why do I need to stay here. It came to my mind that I need to go outside, aside from that I miss to travel or I miss the social life that I am supposed to have. I miss everything outside.
A female wearing a white uniform guides me to visit Dr. Reivan. It was known to me that they will have their diagnosis again in order for me to know if am already fine against drug addiction and depression. Drug addiction was really far from the repetition that I used to be before. I already quit it for so long. I already hate smoking and drinking since I was admitted in here. I am thinking about how to recover myself when I will go out while she assists me to the psychiatric clinic. “I think you need to see Dr. Reivan.”, “Alright, thank you.”, then she allowed me to enter the clinic of Dr. Reivan. As I go inside, I was hoping that this is the time for me and for them to analyze my situation that I am cured, so that I can go back to my normal life. A normal life that I am in charge with, without being dependent to cigarettes, beers, barbiturate and cocaine, so this is me now, admitted but trying to be improve for the better. As I enter the clinic and have my sit in front of him, wondering what will be his question for me. “How are you now?” he asked. “I am fine, thinking positively with hopes and dreams.” I answered. “That’s great.” he chuckled, as he was looking on the results of my psychological exams that Liam administered to me. “You did well to your exams and according to our results, you can go out together with your family when they will visit you.”, “Oh really?”, “Yes, you are doing well.” His every word excites me that I can strengthen myself with so much pleasure to be back home. “I really miss my parents.” As a tear flows from my eyes, it was a tear of joy that no one could ever require me to be in alleviation. He was surprise that I was smiling while a tear fell down within my cheek. “Oh well, I think you can no longer be back from your negative past life, can’t you?” he smiled. “Oh sure doctor, I changed now and I promise to myself that I won’t get into addiction and I want to revive myself to be better.”, “Oh sure you must, you can do it.” he replied again with a smile on his face. My mind was like praising with elation, that it gave me a hope to go out and be me again but in an ameliorate way.