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The shell of what I was

By Luciana Maria All Rights Reserved ©

Drama / Romance


One year was all it took for her to hit the bottom; One year was all it took for her to forget how to be happy; One year was all it took the others to forget her; One year was all it took for her to forget how to live.

Chapter 1

I was enraged; I was feeling crushed.

I still couldn’t believe what he had done. I couldn’t comprehend how he would throw me into the lion’s den, so easily. After their divorce, I picked him. I stood by his side while he was crying himself to sleep because of her. I was there to pick him up whenever he would fall; I was there to comfort him.

And now…

I know that I had done some pretty bad stuff, but I didn’t give up on him. Why would he give up on me so easily? Why would he take me back to same place which I avoided for the past year? The place I came to hate.

Sure I had a lot of great memories in that house, but at the moment those memories were my nightmares. The only thing that made me feel slightly better was that I would spend more time with my baby brother.

“It’s for the best, Oli,” he assured me for the hundred time.

“That’s what you think,” I retorted not even glancing at him. How would this be for the best? I haven’t spoken to my mother in almost a year. Why did he think that I would be okay with living in the same house as her?

“I know you probably hate me right now sweetheart. But it’s going to be fine. I promise,” he once again tried to convince me. I’m not sure about many things in my life, but one thing I am sure of, living with my mother won’t do me good.

It the last couple of months I changed drastically. I had so much anger built up inside of me that the moment I blew up I did so much irreparable damage. To make things short, I somehow got myself expelled from my high school. I was lucky enough that it was the end of the school year and my father managed to convince the board to forgive me and let me finish it, promising them that he would move me to another school the following year.

As we enter Glastonburry , all the memories come flying back to me. I spent 15 years of my life in this town, and I was happy. But now I didn’t know how to leave this place faster. I know this place like the back of my hand, and I had amazing memories but all of them were over shadowed by the ones I gained in the last months spent here.

When my parents got a divorce I went crazy. My once happy demeanor turned into anger. And finding out that my mother was the one to file for divorce made me lose control. I haven’t talked to her since that day; I refused to even glance her way. She destroyed our family; we were once one happy family; we used to go on road trips, we used to always have diner together. But in a blink of an eye that changed.

I decided to go live with my father despite my mother’s will, but what could she do? I was old enough to decide for myself, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to remain living in the same house as her.

My older brother, on the other hand, made the decision to stay by my mother’s side and I hated him for that.

There were only two persons I was excited to see more often, and they were my baby brother Daniel and my best friend Coleen. She was actually the only one that kept in contact with me. We have known each other for 11 years and losing her would have destroyed me even more.

As we were getting closer to the house I felt my heart beat increasing and I could not stop myself from crying. If until now I had a bit of faith that I could get out of this situation, now it all got real.
A million question were going through my mind; what was my mother going to say? Was my room still the same as when I left? How will the people at school react to me coming back? And so many more, but only one thing I was actually curious about, how will my older brother react when seeing me.
I was scared of his reaction; I was scared that he would reject me. I said that I hated him for choosing my mother but in fair honesty I missed him. I talked with him a few times over the course of the past year, but only simple things like school or our brother. We never spent hours talking about our life and what was going on with us, like we used to.

Before this hurricane, as I like to call it, we were amazingly close. We fought, like most brothers and sisters do, but we always stuck together. That is why it hurt me so bad that he chose to be on her side instead of my fathers. I wasn’t angry for him choosing to stay here in Glastonburry, I knew he didn’t want to leave his friends behind; I was angry because he defended her, he took her side like she wasn’t the one to blame.
I understand that couples fight; that couples fall out of love. But when something is broken you at least try to fix it before throwing it away. And I know for certain that my mother never tried repairing their relationship. I used to hear them arguing all the time; I heard my father practically begging her to go to couple counseling but she always refused. How can I understand her when she never tried, at least for me and my brothers; I used to ask myself again and again did she ever think about us when she did it? but I finally understood that she simply didn’t care.

“Oli, we’re here sweetheart,” my father’s calm voice brought me back to reality.
“Okay,” I sighed looking out the window to the house I once called home. Even now I remember every detail of what happened the day they told us about the divorce. It was like all hell broke loose. In that moment all my life changed; a part of me died.
I slowly get out of the car and grab one of my suitcases from the trunk and follow my father to the front door.
My heartbeat was increasing dangerously, and I could not stop my hand from trembling.

I was scared; I was terrified actually.

And the moment I saw the door opening, my heart stopped. It was my mother who opened the door and she looked like she has been crying. Good for her, she deserves it. I cried myself to sleep for weeks and she did not care that it was her fault.
She’s exactly like I remembered her. She cut her hair thought, her strawberry blond hair falling just below her shoulders; her eyes so blue that even the sea would be jealous of her; her skin flawless like always. But with all the money she is constantly wasting on beauty salons of course she looked so flawless.

“I’m so happy you are finally here. Come in please,” she bubbled moving aside making space for us to come in. As soon as I step inside she pulls me into a bone breaking hug. I furiously push her away and glare at her.
I crinkle my nose in disgust. How can she act like everything is alright? She has no right to act like this towards me. If I am here, in her house, it is because I have no other choice.
“Oli, please, “ I hear my father’s pleading voice as soon as I open my mouth. I know what he wants, but I warned him this would happen. He may have forgiven her, but I did not; and I don’t think I ever will. And I refuse to act like everything is okay, because it is not.

Before I can say something I hear someone calling me, and my eyes instantly start to fill themselves with tears. I turn around and run to the person calling me.
I pull him tight to my chest and I start sobbing in his embrace. He’s the most important person in my life; probably the only person I would kill for. My little brother; my innocent little brother.
“Oli, you back,” I hear him giggle.
“Yes Dany,” I assure him and give him a quick kiss on the forehead. “ And I won’t be leaving for a long , long time, “ I continued , joy filling my heart when seeing his huge ear to ear smile.
“I miss you, Oli,” he shrilled making my ears hurt.
“I missed you to shorty,” I snickered making a frown appear on his sweet face.
“I’m not short, me big,” he started whining.
“Okay big guy,“ I smile at him.
He’s smile makes me forget about every bad thing in my life. And I’d go to hell and back to make that smile permanent on him.
Let me explain something to you. My little brother was diagnosed with dyslexia 2 years ago. At the age of 6 he was slower than all his classmates; he had problems expressing himself; we had to explain things twice or even three times for him to understand. And my parents decided to seek help from a specialist, and that’s when they gave us the bad news.
I personally did not have a problem with it, and neither did my parents. We did not mind giving him extra attention but when he started 1st grade, that’s when the problems started to appear. Kids at school would make fun of him and call him stupid. I lost the count of how many times I picked him up from school crying. We tried to talk to his teacher but unfortunately she could not do anything about it. She had tried to talk to the children but with no results.
That’s why I am really overprotective of him. I hate to see him cry, and I would do anything to make sure he never did it.

“Oli sweetheart,” I hear my father’s voice calling me.
“Yes dad?” I ask, turning to look at him, my hand still holding Dany’s.
“I have to go now. I took all the stuff in your room, you just have to unpack now,” he replied.
“Oh, okay dad,” I sighed feeling tears filling my eyes again. He gently put a finger beneath my chin and slowly raised it so I would face him.
“Sweetheart,” he sighed. “Everything will be okay. You can always come visit, I’m only a 30 minutes’ drive away,” he tried reassuring me. “Please try and be nice to your mother,” he cautioned. “For me Oli.”
“Okay dad,” I pull him in for a hug. “Please don’t forget about me, “ I cried in his embrace.
“Oli, baby,” he smiled at me. “Even if I wanted, I could never forget about you.”
“I love you dad,” I whimpered.
“And I love you, sweetheart,” he gently wiped away my tears.
“Dany, my little champion,” he says turning his attention to my brother.
“Daddy I not little,” He whined sticking his tongue out.
“Okay then. My big boy,” He says lifting Dany in his arms making him giggle. “I’ll see you soon buddy.”
“Love you daddy,” He says placing a kiss on dad’s cheek.
“Love you to kiddo,” he places him back on the floor. “I’ll see you all on Sunday, for dinner,” and with that he left me.
I already missed him. My dad and I had a routine, and now he wasn’t here. It will take time to accommodate here. But I’ll try, for him and for my brother. I’ll try and be civil with my mother for them. I don’t want Dany to see us fighting; I want him to have an amazing childhood with no memories of our family arguing.

“I have already put clean towels on your bed. If you need anything else please tell me,” my mother’s voice pierces my ears.
“Okay,” I simply answer.
“I have to take Dany to his doctor. If you’re hungry I left you food in the over,” she stated, and I simply nod at her. “Come on Dany. We don’t want to be late do we?”
“No mommy,” he giggles. “See you tonight Oli,” I drop to my knees to get on his level and kiss his cheek.
“Goodbye Dany,” I quavered. And with that I was left alone in the very house I ran away from.

As I start putting my clothes in the closet I can’t help but think about Alex. I know we haven’t been on the best terms in the last year but I expected my big brother to be here upon my arrival; I wish he were here to greet me; I wish he were here to hold me; I wish I had my brother back.

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