I'm here again, but this time I'm here to share the things I want to say to people I fell in love or I thought I fell in love.
There will be one or two people. I don't know why but I did felt like I should do that instead of saying things to them. Maybe because I cut all the contact at the end with them in fear of saying too much. When I get hurt by someone, I tend to hurt them with my words too. I always wanted them to feel the same hurt I have been feeling. It always made me feel worst when I calm down a bit. So I thought it would be better to don't say anything and regret later. I don't want to live a life full of regret.
I don't have many love interests, just one or two failed relationships/situationships. I don't regret them but at the same time I don't feel happy about them either. It hurts when it fail but after in few months it doesn't ever cross my mind again. I don't feel that loss or love for them. That I used to feel when it was fresh. I tend to forget things that hurt me. Memory, people, faces, things that have been said and done. It's not like they are permanently deleted from my memories but they are gone unless they come back. I won't let them do it though. I don't go back it feels wrong to let same people hurt you or love you again.
I'm so much confused about what I want at this point. Because sometimes I want to become that boss bitch but at the same time I don't want any of it just want to be loved and feel safe. I want to be safe and secure and I don't know why my fucked up brain think male species can give me that. I don't know if they are even capable of doing that. I just want to relay on someone and for once think about this world ever existed.