THREE YEARS LATER
‘I know so much about pain, loss, rejection and abandonment yet so little about what love and happiness really are’
‘May! Oh my God, what have you done?’ I can hear voices but somehow, they seem like they are coming from very far away. I am slowly losing consciousness as I fall into a smothering darkness. I struggle to breath as one by one my senses shut down.’
My eyes snap open, I am drenched in sweat, tangled in my sheets. It was a nightmare. For the last three years, I have battled with severe nightmares, sleeplessness, anxiety and migraine headaches. My therapist prescribed sleeping pills and something for my anxiety that I have been taking for a little while now, it doesn’t seem to be helping much though, I should go back for a change of medicine.
It’s 4.00 a.m. at least that’s what the clock on my dresser says. I don’t think I will be able to go back to sleep and it’s too early for me to start preparing for work so I get out of bed and put on my running clothes.
As I step outside the cold hits my face, I plug in my headsets, stretch and begin my morning run. Running is my source of peace; it has the ability to take me away from everything else.
I begun running, first slowly then faster and faster. I started running about two years ago, it was something that my therapist suggested, according to her, running makes my brain get a regular natural dose of feeling good thereby helping in lessening my anxiety and lifting my depression. So, every time I wake up from a nightmare or with an anxiety attack, I run and it helps me feel better.
It’s 6 a.m. when I walk back into the house from my jog. I head straight into the bathroom and take a cold shower before heading out. On my way to the office, I pass through my favorite coffee shop; I order coffee, scones with whipped cream and marmalade. When I arrive at the office at 07;30, I place my stuff on my table before walking into my boss’s office, I always get here a few minutes before him.
Placing the food on the table in front of him, I organize his documents then head out to work on his schedule for the day. I work for Borderless media as an executive assistant to the Director
After getting done with school, getting a job was easier said than done. No one wanted to hire a girl with a reputation like mine, I stayed for almost a year with no lack of finding a job until one-night Kayla and I were catching up and I was filling her in on my frustrations of not being able to find a job when she told me there was a job opening at her father in law’s company and that she would put in a good word for me.
I had a job three weeks later; I started working as a clerical officer and six months later I was promoted to an executive assistant. My boss is an amazing man, he treats me more like his daughter than an employee, it’s amazing how I have been looking for a father figure my entire life and just when I stopped looking someone like Mr. Ndelu stepped in.
So, three years huh? That’s how long it’s been since I tried to end it all. With my eyes half closed, I revisit the memories long buried. When I slit my wrist three years ago, I was more than certain I had died; the darkness had thoroughly engulfed me and that brought me peace. I had never felt that kind of peace in my entire life. I didn’t want to let it go, I wanted to give in and go to a place where they would be no more suffering and pain.
I woke up a few weeks later, I was in a hospital bed connected to machines and an IV line connected into my left arm. That wasn’t even the shocking part, I learned that I was pregnant and as if that wasn’t even bad, I didn’t really know who the father was, Marc or Louis, I had slept with both of them almost at the same time.
There was so much going on in my life at that moment and I couldn’t imagine adding a baby to the chaos. I wanted to get rid of the pregnancy but I was advised against it by the doctors so I kept it. He advised I could give away the baby to a couple that would take care of it after birth and I agreed, at least that was better than dumping it at an orphanage, right?
The news of me sleeping with Marc went viral and I got a lot of insults and curses from the public. Funny enough, Marc didn’t get much of the blame, where I come from it’s always the woman’s fault when such things happen. I was called a devil worshiper, a temptress, an evil ungrateful child and so many other things.
I was supposed to be the victim but no one was willing to listen to my story so I kept quiet. I figured they would get tired and eventually forget about me but they haven’t, three years later and I sometimes still have people whisper when I pass, I still receive harsh comments on my photos on social media. This face that was plastered all over social media and newspapers is implanted in people’s mind.
The Myrtles cut me off after I got out of the hospital. My father went back to Australia where he originally came from, leaving my mother and brother behind. They both couldn’t get over what Marc did to his sister; it tore them both apart. I had no one but Kayla after that, she helped me get back on my feet and I went back to school and managed to finish my course, amidst all the drama I was glad the Myrtles had paid for my fees in advance so I didn’t have to worry about tuition fees.
The last I heard from Marc; he defiled a young girl and was almost arrested if not for his mother’s money. Well he was later diagnosed with hypersexuality which is also known as a compulsive sexual behavior disorder. He apparently went to rehab and started therapy. Anyway, he and his mother have both cut me off and I don’t know what is happening in their lives at the moment
I live a very quiet life, it’s usually all about work I don’t even date anymore. I don’t remember the last time I had sex. And I am currently attending Therapy to get over the trauma I went through since childhood.
I gave up my son after birth with hopes of getting her back after being stable. And now three years later, I want her back but I have no idea where to start from. The person who got her wanted to keep herself anonymous so the only thing I have of my child at the moment is that one photo of her I got at birth.
I have also started looking for my birth mother, all the pain I have endured and bitterness in my heart started with her. My therapist says, the pain will only go away if I visit the root of the problem.
I know I am no different from my birth mother because I too left my child but at least I gave her to someone that could give her a better future than I would. Someone that would love her when I couldn’t. If I kept that child, I would have probably been a toxic parent and I didn’t want that. I am not completely fine but I am better and that’s a plus. I don’t cut anymore; I haven’t harmed myself in three years. I keep looking for ways to deal with my emotions but I still bare the scars of everything I have been through- These will forever be proof that I survived.
Note: Hypersexuality is also known as compulsive sexual behavior disorder, or more commonly, sex addiction. When a person has an obsessive fixation on sex, sexual acts, and sexual fantasies, they might be hypersexual. People with hypersexuality might exhibit a host of problematic sexual behaviors like consuming pornographic content excessively, excessive masturbation, or engaging in sexual activities with a large number of partners. The lack of recognition of hypersexuality as a mental disorder has resulted in many people living with the condition without an official diagnosis. Hypersexuality looks different in every individual who has the condition. While one person might primarily struggle with controlling their sexual fantasies, another might struggle with controlling the urge to carry out certain sexual acts like masturbation, for instance.
Excerpts from Very Well Mind.
Your August Girl